saHm I am NOT

~

Allegedly, one could call me a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). I would like to offer the following summary of my Monday, and you tell me what part of STAY-AT-HOME applies to my life.

8:00 am - woke up. Give me a break, I was up til 1230am, no thanks to the stupid LA Lakers.

8:15 am - posted my Not Me Monday blog

8:30 am - greeted Mr. Pete and Nathan in my pajamas as they arrived to 'help' with the renovation

8:45 am - fed the children

9:00 am - greeted Mr. Bill in my pajamas (don't worry Miss Karen, I wasn't wearing a teddy - they were very 'modest' pajamas) as he arrived to 'help' with the renovation.

9:15 am - 10:30 am - received and complied with all of Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' barking orders related to the renovation and the children's part in said renovation.

10:35 am - finally got dressed

10:40 am - overheard Mr. Bill tell Captain Jake Sparrow and Reilly the Red to 'be careful around that nail rifle', to which I responded, "Oh no, Mr. Bill! They can play with the air rifle! It's okay! We have insurance! And AFLAC! PLEASE let them play with the air rifle!"

10:45 am - left with Reilly the Red to go to our church to volunteer at the food pantry

11:00 am - arrived at church to discover that there were 'too many' volunteers and our services weren't needed. How often does THAT happen?

11:15 am - went with Reilly to meet Miss Karen at Kohl's to help her select some 'pizazz' items for her wardrobe for her new awesome job that starts tomorrow.

11:25 am - argued with Miss Karen related to her refusal to add 'pizazz'

12:20 pm - FORCED Miss Karen to purchase certain 'pizazz' related items that she will ultimately return behind my back.

12:25 pm - told Reilly the Red she could have two pair of sneakers, since they were BOGO.

12:30 pm - get to the register, only to discover the shoes were NOT BOGO.

12:31 pm - endured a hysterically crying child in the parking lot begging for the THIRTY-FOUR dollar shoes that she couldn't understand why she wasn't getting them.

12:35 pm - successfully negotiated a settlement with Reilly the Red - if she coughed up TWENTY dollars of her own money, I had a SEVEN dollar gift card, and I would pay for the remainder.

12:36 pm - we have a deal

12:42 pm - we have the shoes and are back in the car

12:48 pm - at the bank getting moolah to pay all of our 'helpers'

12:52 pm - at McDonalds, getting dollar value McDoubles for all of our 'helpers'

1:00 pm - eating a McDouble whilst standing at my kitchen counter, staring at all the dust that I just removed from my home not less than 12 hours prior. Sigh

1:15 pm - told Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords that NO there was NO way in HELL I was going to Lowe's in HIS pickup truck to buy 40 2x4x8's.

1:20 pm - told him AGAIN that I was NOT going. No way. I am NOT a man. I do NOT know anything about wood (well, some kinds of wood I do, but I digress), drywall, plumbing, electrical, NOTHING.

1:22 pm - still arguing with Two Swords. Now trying the argument that I don't do car repairs and he doesn't do taxes, and I don't do Lowe's and he doesn't do menstruation discussions.

1:35 pm - get in Two Swords' truck and head to Lowe's. Dammit.

1:50 pm - go to the Commercial Desk at Lowe's to order the lumber.

1:51 pm - they ask me if I know what I want. Like a bank robber, a slip them a little piece of paper with the following item written on it, 40 - 2" x 4" x 8'

1:52 pm - they tell me they will have it ready in 15 minutes.

2:35 pm - still standing around staring at drywall and gypsum and wondering why all the signs also have Spanish translations?

2:52 pm - back in Two Swords' truck and headed home. Ugh.

3:15 pm - successfully BACK into the BACKYARD with the pickup truck for the lumber to be unloaded

3:20 pm - get back in MY car and head to Publix

3:35 pm - purchase milk, Klondike bars, bananas, dog food, paper towels and toilet paper.

3:40 pm - fill up my tank with gas.

3:45 pm - return home (oh to be a stay at HOME Mom).....

3:48 pm - notice another 2 inches of dust all over my house. Sigh.

3:49 pm - hear Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' exclaim "SHE GOT THE WRONG FREAKING SIZE WOOD! THIS IS NOT 8' LONG! IT IS 7' 8/9" long! DAMMIT"

3:50 pm - break the vow of submission I made on our wedding day and went into the construction site to defend myself, and my right to NEVER again go to LOWE's or HOME DEPOT for ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

3:57 pm - Reilly the Red comes in the house from the pool, screaming and crying her head off. I ask her what is wrong, and she SCREAMS, "There's a frog in the pool and Nathan pushed me in the pool and I got near the frog and it scared me because I hate frogs because they are scary." Since this is the child that learned to surf in a shark-infested OCEAN last summer, and baits her own fishing hook with SHRIMP, and rides UPSIDE DOWN roller coasters, I told her to shut her piehole and go back outside.

3:58 pm - Becoming a STAY at HOME Mom for the rest of the day.

3:59 pm - Hearing Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' relentless cussing about the wrong sized "wood"

4:01 pm - Considering taking my Ambien in about 3 minutes.