Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rap Sheet


I have been 'spring' cleaning recently and came upon this gem.

Perpretrator:  Captain Jake Sparrow

Date of Incident:  Monday, November 11, 2010

Itemization of crimes:

  1. Talking during morning work
  2. Because said perpetrator wasn't listening during morning work, he was escorted to the math table as a punishment then claimed to get all confused with his work of numbers.
  3. Perp didn't finish his morning work because he couldn't stop running his piehole, so his poor, downtrodden teacher allegedly forced him to miss recess so that he could finish his work.  In the words of the Perp, "So I missed part of my recess because of my bad behavior."
  4. Perp allegedly busted again for not listening during an outdoor social studies lesson.
  5. During said outdoor social studies lesson, downtrodden teacher allegedly told the students to NOT use the playground equipment during the lesson.  Perp ignored the command and went headfirst down the playground slide in the midst of the social studies lesson.
  6. Perp was relegated to serving a timeout on a bench outside very far away from the social studies lesson AND the playground.  This resulted in missing most of the social studies lesson.
  7. At naptime, Perp opted to secure a 'different' spot than his usual one, allegedly further angering the downtrodden teacher.
  8. At P.E., Perp chose to hang upside down from the bleachers on which the chorus class was in the midst of practicing.
  9. Still at P.E., Perp somehow grew seven feet and hung from a basketball hoop, warranting yet another timeout for the day, this one him requiring to sit facing a wall, Blair Witch-style.
  10. Because Perp was so 'bad' all day, he was forbidden from participating in freeplay (um...DUH), and was forced to continue serving the Blair Witch timeout so as to ensure that he would have no chance at having an ounce of fun.
  11. After the school day ended, Perp boarded the school bus for the ride home.  Allegedly, Perp pulled down his pants and showed a group of boys his underwear because it was camo and, well, "cool".
  12. Upon return to the homestead, Perp drew on the kitchen floor with Sharpie markers.
  13. Perp lied to his parents that his innocent sister drew 'x's' on the kitchen floor with Sharpie markers.
  14. Perp was sent to the tub to wash off the marker stains from his body, and made the choice to enter the bathtub fully clothed.
  15. Later, Perp called his Father a "Smart Mouth".  The consequence of this action remains in the 'vault' as a protective custodial order.
  16. As his Mother was reviewing his list of SIXTEEN PLUS crimes for this ONE day, Perp was not listening or paying attention, started goofing off, and fell off the bed.
Sentencing Hearing:

  1. Perpetrator pled nolo contendre, at the advice of his pro bono non-licensed attorney, his sister.
  2. Perpetrator was sentenced to "Boredom to Death". 
  3. Perpetrator's impassioned plea to the judge(s):  "You mean I can't do NUTHIN?"  "NUTHIN?"  "NO TV?"  "NO NUTHIN?"
  4. Judges - You may eat.  You may sleep.  You may poop and you may pee.  But you will not have any fun.  Ever.  Or until we are done being mad.
Parole Hearing:
  1. Judges issued unrestricted parole to the Perpetrator because he made them laugh two days later and they forgot why he was in trouble in the first place.  Oh, and because they wanted to go see Megamind and couldn't find a babysitter.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Spawn


So, I know what you're going to say.


He is sooooooo gosh darn......C U T E!

Yeah, that's what I was thinking....

Until yesterday.

And no amount of pontifficating was going to change the situation.

He got in trouble at school.

BIG trouble.

And I can't even write about it here, that's the kind of trouble.

It made me madder than a wet hen.

Kinda like this pose right here.....

So, his punishments and consequences were dealt, and he was well prepared to receive them, I gotta give him credit for that.

But several hours later, he did something so utterly S T U P I D......and L A Z Y......and very difficult for a W O M A N to understand and accept as 'normal'.


The Spawn.

He was watching TV by himself in the den.

Then he emerged from the den holding a cup.

Reilly screamed, "Did you P E E in MY Busch Gardens cup?"

And the Spawn proudly said, "YEP!"

And then my head spun Linda Blair style and all the profanities I haven't said since January 1st just erupted like explosive molten lava from my volcanic mouth.

I never dreamed I'd have to ask the Spawn, "What would make you think it is APPROPRIATE to PEE in a CUP while you are watching TV on the NEW couch?  What?  WHAT?  W H A T??????"

And The Spawn replied, "I didn't want to leave my 'spot' on the couch, cuz I was really comfortable."

Me and The Spawn had a serious "Come to Jesus" meetin' after that response.


By the end of the night, The Spawn truly was, 'out of clever things to say'.

Dear God, let's keep it that way for about a day or so, okay?

Thank you.