Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Signs, Signs, Everywhere...SIGNS



I don't know how y'all's day has gone so far, but lemme tell you about mine.

This morning, like most mornings, I sparred with Red and was outnegotiated by the Captain.  Nothing new.  The Pirates got on the school bus and went on their merry way.  Done with being a stay at home Mom for t-minus 8 hours.

I took a shower and heard someone banging at the door.  At 0800.  Seriously?  Hmmm.  Got out of the shower, and no one was at the door.  I opened the door and.....a very large box had arrived bearing Christmas gifts from West Virginia.  Wow.  Now that was nice.  Awesome!  Thank you!

Then I met up with a very dear friend, and prayed and broke bread after not seeing each other for a very long time.  And God was the prime topic at breakfast.  Said our goodbyes and off we went about our merry ways.

Went to my super awesome Doctor's office to pick up a form for the Vampire, bloodwork.  I had to wait a few minutes, so I tinkered with my smart phone, just checking in, seeing what's up on that ever present social media nonsense.  Ouch.  That hurt.  Venom and hatred being spilled everywhere.  Someone whom I have never met in real life typed words that actually HURT MY HEART.  Wow.  That's all I could think.  Wow.

I got my form, and I headed on to my next stop.


Where Shopping Is A Pleasure.


God told me to take a RIGHT turn.

And I did.

Before I knew it, I was sitting in the administrative offices of the new church we have been attending and will soon become formal members of.  I had no idea why I was there.  Honestly.  No clue.  I just felt COMPELLED......CALLED TO ACTION.....

This church is a Mega church.  3,000 people go there.  They have like 8 million pastors or something.  10% of our city goes there.  It's big.  It's even on TV.  It's big, but it's real.  And we have wondered, are we going to be just another 'number' here?  Or will we BE ABLE to MATTER?

So I'm sitting on this leather couch talking to a woman I don't even know, and she is trying to assess my NEEDS.  I insisted I had none.  Really.  I mean, we're good.  We're awesome.  We're on fire for Jesus right now.  Big changes in our lives.  Big.  Radical.  But RIGHT.

So she keeps talking to me, quizzically.  I told her it would take me 20 years to share my 42 years of life with her, but hey, I'm writing a book, and you can read about it then.  It will be finished soon.  But I gave her a few clues.  Been here, done this.  Been there, done that.  Have this, don't have that.  God said this, God told me that.

She asks me if I'm interested in being a prayer helper at the end of each service, offering prayers to people in need.


I knew that wasn't it.

And I told her so.

Nope.  That's not what God wants me to do.

She pondered that perhaps it wasn't yet time for me to act.  Perhaps I was still in a season of listening.


I'm here, Lady.  I don't know why, but there's like a whole bunch of people in this building and we gotta get it figured out RIGHT NOW.  Because.....in my 'old' church....well, I used to be able to hit "Pastor" on speed dial and oh, he knew who I was, what I needed, what I was offering, whatever.  And I've had more than one Pastor.  And they are STILL on my speed dial, thank you very much.  As are their wives.  But I digress.

I needed to know, that even though we are committing to a church of gargantuan proportions, that we would MATTER.  But I didn't mean, like, on the receiving end.

I said to her, "I don't think I'm here for ME.  I think I'm here TO SHARE."

Listen, I know that probably 100% of you think I'm on the crazy train most, if not ALL of the time, but GOD SPEAKS TO ME.  I have shared this before, and I am telling you right now, HE SPEAKS TO ME.  I hear Him.  I see Him.  I feel Him.  Through visions.  Through dreams.  Through goosebumps.  Through the discernment of good or evil.  I just KNOW.  Ask Two Swords.  He can tell you.  Or my former pastors.  They can tell you.  Or some of my friends.  They can tell you.

So I'm trying to tell this stranger, who is a perfectly fine, polite, nice, caring woman, "Listen Lady, I'm sure that like eleventy people an hour come in here and tell you that God speaks to them and they need to talk to somebody, but no, I don't need any money, and no, I don't need a frozen turkey but thank you so much for offering, and no, I'm not delusional, but I am SERIOUS."


She starts quoting Jeremiah.

And I listen.  Admittedly, I am not familiar with Jeremiah.  But I will be soon.  Trust me.  As soon as I finish up with the business of James, I'm headed for Jeremiah.

She asks me if I looked at the life groups on line.

I told her that I had, but nothing really popped out at me.

And then she asked me...."What about our Real FREEDOM group?"


I have no idea what she is talking about.

But God most certainly did.

I told her I didn't see it on the group list.

She said, "That's because it's under SUPPORT."

I said, "But I wasn't NEEDING support, so I didn't GO THERE."

And she puts her hand on my head as if I'm an imp and says, "You are so silly!  You are meant to GIVE the SUPPORT!"

And it clicked.


That's exactly where I am supposed to be.

Healthy Relationships.
Damaged Relationships.

And 5 or 6 others.

They meet all at one time, have praise and worship for 15 minutes, then break into their respective groups.

I'm meant to be there to....COUNSEL.   To....SUPPORT.  To....EMPATHIZE.  To....GUIDE.

All the things I am really, really, really, REALLY good at.

Okay Lady, so...I can't make this commitment right now, because my husband is leaving for South Carolina  for two months and I'm about to become a single mom four days a week and then I will have to drive my kids six hours each way every weekend........



"The group meets on Tuesday nights."




Got it, God.  I understand.  I know why you brought me here.  And I know where I am supposed to be at 7pm tonight.  Even though it's the finale of The Voice, I can DVR it.  Seriously, I can do that.

I thought that was ALL that God had in store for me for the day.





Off I go to my original destination.


Where Shopping Is a Pleasure.


Always Publix,

Always a Pleasure.

I'm just wandering around, picking up random items.  Not the usual way I shop.  I usually have a list.

Not today.

I wander to the meat market.

And the Meat Man offers to help, as usual.

I said, "Yeah, can you tell me what to fix for dinner, because, seriously, UGH, I'm so TIRED of deciding what my family will eat every night."

And he did.  And I was like, "Huh."  Okay.  Yeah.  I'll try that.  If the Captain doesn't like it, Off With His Head!  He can walk the plank.  Don't care.

Then I'm at the checkout register.

A man with special needs is my bagger today.  He bags my items PERFECTLY.  He does not struggle.  He takes his time.  But I have time.  Lots of it.  I'm good.

He finishes, the cashier finishes, and I'm headed out the door.


God told me to take another RIGHT turn.

I went to the service desk.

A young lady asked if she could help me, very pleasantly, I might add.

I said, "Who do I talk to if I want to say THANK YOU?"

She said, "Huh?"

I said, "I want to say Thank You."

She said, (because I'm certain she's not used to hearing something this radical), "Ummm....for.....what?"

I said, "For making shopping a PLEASURE."

She looked at me like the Church Lady did.  Like I had a third eyeball.

She went and got the manager.

She must have told him I was a nutjob, cuz he looked at me the same way.

I stuck my RIGHT hand out, and said my name and said, "I want to tell you this because I'm sure you are not hearing it very much, especially this time of year, but you should.  I have been shopping at this store, 2-3 times a week since the day it opened ELEVEN years ago, and I have NEVER EVER EVER had a bad experience, from top to bottom.  And I want to THANK YOU for making shopping a PLEASURE."

And the Manager lit up like a Christmas tree, pardon the pun.

And he needed to hear that today.  Don't know why.  None of my business.  Don't know what fire he was fighting before the Nutjob Lady with the Third Eyeball appeared, but he needed it.  And God knew it.  That's why He sent me.

And he was gracious.

And then I said, "And one more thing.  I am disabled.  I want to THANK YOU for hiring people who have special needs."

And he lit up even brighter.

And he said, "THAT is OUR pleasure."

And I wished him a Merry Christmas.

And he stopped me and said, "Do you need help out with your groceries?"

And I said, "No thank you.  Not TODAY."

And off I went.

To my next destination.




God told me to put my grocery cart back.

I had to make another RIGHT turn.

ASIDE:  As a NASCAR fan, and as a whackjob RIGHT wing Republican, this irony is not lost on me, I promise you.

An older lady was right next to me, putting her cart back.

She said, "It is sooooo nice to see YOUNG people putting their carts back."


Thanks for that, but I'm not so young.


I said, "You know, my PASTOR once told us that we should always put our carts back.  Sometimes I take it all the way into the store, and sometimes I put it in the corral, but, yeah, we always put them back.  In fact, my kids actually fight sometimes over who gets to put the cart back."

And she opined, "If only more people in this world could be like US."

And I said, "You know what?  Perhaps they will.  Perhaps they will CHANGE.  Perhaps we just need to be examples for them."

And she said, "I hope you are right."

And I wished her a MERRY CHRISTMAS.  And she returned it.

And then I headed to my next destination.


Not another right turn.

Across the street.

To the Vampire lab to have bloodwork done.

I saw a cross on the wall at the front desk.



You don't see THAT everyday.


Signed in, wrote my check, waited my turn.

And then the Blood Sucking Vampire Phlebotomist called me in.

And I sat down.

And I looked to my RIGHT.

On the wall.


I said, "Did YOU do that, or did THEY do that?"

She said, "Me and the other gal did it."

I said, "Wow.  You don't see THAT everyday."

She said, "They are everywhere around here.  Even at our corporate office."



I asked her if I could take a picture of it.

She said, "Absolutely.  Just about everybody who comes in here does."

And so I did.

And here it is.

Just another sign.

On just another day.

He is there.  He is here.  He is everywhere.  You just have to look, listen, and live.  I hope and pray that someone who reads this might also be called to action today.

I most certainly was.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I Got.......TOLD


It's been awhile.

Sorry bout that.

No, the pirate ship has not capsized, nor been set ablaze.

In fact, it's been rather smooth sailing for we buccaneers lately.

But alas, that's another story for another day.





And since I'm the one who usually does all the telling, I must surrender on those very rare (AHEM) occasions when someone, anyone, tells ME.


At the mess hall this evening, Reilly the Red proclaimed that she had finally decided (!) what she was going to be when she grows up.

The following dialogue will remain among the logs of Fallon Piracy for all eternity:

Rojo, aka, MOTHER:  Really?  What?

Reilly, aka, TEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER:  I'm going to be a lawyer.

Rojo:  Oh yeah?  What kind of lawyer do you want to be?  Prosecutor?  Defense Attorney?  Child Advocate?  Environmental, aka LIBERAL lawyer?

Reilly:  I want to be the kind of lawyer that you said had lots and lots of really pretty, expensive shoes.

Rojo:  That would be any kind of lawyer, especially if you're a chick.

Reilly:  So what kind of lawyer should I be.

I then gave her a download of how the whole justice system worked, and we went as high as the Supreme Court justices, etc.

And then Reilly said, "I wanna be a lawyer, cuz, everybody needs a doctor and a lawyer, right Mom?"


Reilly:  Cuz, well we have doctors and a lawyer, right?

Rojo:  Yes, yes, we do.  The BEST as a matter of fact.

Reilly:  Yeah.

Rojo:  Yeah.

Reilly:  Oh, and one more thing we need, is a construction worker.

Rojo:  No, I don't need a construction worker, I married one.

Reilly:  That doesn't count.

And then I got stupid. I had to go and raise the ante. Dang.  Note to self - go back and read The Art of War again.  Cuz, I went into battle without any ammo.


Rojo:  WAIT!  I was a construction worker!  I WAS!

Reilly:  No, you weren't Mom.

Rojo:  YES!  YES!  I WAS!  For a long time.  And I no you probably don't remember it, but I really, really WAS!

Reilly:  No, you weren't Mom.

Rojo:  YES!  I even had BOOTS!

SMART ALECK 10 YEAR OLD with the IQ which is incalculable in Roman Numerals:  Nope.  You weren't.

Rojo:  I DID!  I even had a hard hat!  With my NAME on it!

Reilly:  Oh, that's impressive.


She told me, right?

Oh no.

I walked away from the battle, already defeated.  Muttering under my breath, "ask your dad, he'll tell you what I did.  He WILL!"

I sulked.

And cowered.

And retreated to the den, laid on the couch and put folded my hands across my chest, and elicited the "damn" sigh of surrender.

That's were it ends.

I wish.

Ten seconds later, Reilly the Red appears from the corner of the couch and screams into my ear:






I gave her five.

Like, way to go.

Good job.


You're been drinking Tiger blood.

You're ready for law school.

I got told.

And I'm being the better man and letting the world know on her behalf.

Go get 'em, Girl.

You GO!


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

All In The Family


Modern-day conversation between Archie and Edith Bunker:

Edi:  Yo, Archie? If I can't see far away, does that mean I'm near-sighted?

Arch:  Yeah.

Edi: And if I can't see things close up then that means I'm far-sighted?

Arch:  Yeah.

Edi:  Well, then, what if I can't see things near or far?

Arch (rolling his eyes with severe boredom and bone-weary fatigue after traipsing through a Central Florida theme park and getting soaked to the boxer briefs on a 'you MIGHT get WET' water ride'):


The more things change, the more they stay they same.....


Monday, February 13, 2012

Me Bloody Bucket List



We Pirates have discovered the greatest television show in the history of, well...television.  It's called "An Idiot Abroad- The Bucket List", and you simply MUST watch it.  But only if you put the subtitles on.  Cuz you'll be laughing so hard you'll miss more than half the stuff the bloody bloke has to mutter.  Just trust me on this one.


Karl Pilkington, the Idiot in question, hath inspired me to write me own bloody Bucket List.  This is my first gander at such an enterprise, and the entries are in no particular order.  I've crossed through those I've already accomplished, just so you know I really do did have a life once upon a time.

Here goes nuthin'!

  1. Greece
  2. The Grand Canyon
  3. Fundamentalist Mormon Utah, aka Colorado City
  4. Visit the desert island of Aruba, get plied with Aruban tequila at Carlos and Charlie's, do some other dastardly deeds a few hours later, then get on a plane and safely return home without meeting Johan van der Sloot.  Whew - THAT was a close one!
  5. Find Jesus.
  6. Wear a pair of Louboutins, if just for a day.
  7. Travel in zero gravity
  8. Swim with the dolphins
  9. Alaska
  10. The Motherland, aka, Ireland
  11. A 3-week Mediterranean cruise (with or without children, I'm not all that picky.  'specially since I got me some well-boated, well-traveled pirates).
  12. Marry my Pirate Charming
  13. Hawaii
  14. NYC
  15. NYC again
  16. NYC again with Pirate Charming
  17. NYC again with all three Pirates in tow
  18. Audit a class at an Ivy League school
  19. A golden ticket to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory, although a vacation to Hershey, Pennsylvania will in fact, suffice.
  20. Travel this great nation of ours, from sea to shining sea, watching the wonders of the world unfold through the beautiful blue eyes of my amazing husband and delicious children.
  21. Become a PUBLISHED author.
  22. Wear those Louboutins on Fox & Friends while sitting on the Curvy Couch with Doocey, Carlson, and Kilmeade.
  23. Be deemed "CURED"
  24. Live to see the day my daughter and/or spawn make their first closing arguments as snappy prosecutorial attorneys, wearing Louboutins or Brunos.
  25. Have a beer with Bruce Willis.
  26. Spend a Sunday afternoon Sabbath with George and Laura.
  27. Have a clean house
  28. Join a rock band (Hey!  I just did this one YESTERDAY!  Woohoo!)
  29. The 17 mile drive
  30. The Don Cesar
  31. Watch Cal Ripken, Jr. play in Memorial Stadium AND Camden Yards
  32. Get to see Nolan Ryan pitch (this ain't gonna happen.  I missed him by ONE STINKING DAY in the rotation.  That bit of poor planning on my part will haunt me til my dying day, I assure you.
  33. Eat raw fish, aka, discover the wonder, awe, and delight of ahi tuna
  34. Laugh every single day of me life.
  35. Pearl Harbor
  36. The Punchbowl
  37. The Gateway Arch
  38. Tubing in the Colorado River
  39. Lobster
  40. Chilean Sea Bass (on someone else's tab, DUH)
  41. The Greenbriar
  42. Whitewater Rafting
  43. Be a Contestant on Jeopardy'
....to be continued.

Friday, February 10, 2012


How is it possible that THIS KID......

Yes, indeed...THIS Spawn of mine........

Can properly spell, pronounce, write, read, and correctly define words such as VERTICES and ESOPHAGUS, while successfully playing hide and seek with himself in the linen closet?



No Greater Joy


This motley crue of mine, we live, we laugh, we love.

We suffer from time to time.

Who doesn't.

There is no sliding scale of suffering.  You don't get extra points for dropping a fire extinguisher on your foot than for birthing a spawn.  You either suffer -- or ya don't.

Right now?


We ain't suffering.

You might think we should be.

You might be.

But we're not.

We're living and loving and laughing.


And we find no greater joy than in giving, sharing, helping, and serving others.

No, you might not know that about us pirates, we Team Fallon.

'tis true though.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rap Sheet


I have been 'spring' cleaning recently and came upon this gem.

Perpretrator:  Captain Jake Sparrow

Date of Incident:  Monday, November 11, 2010

Itemization of crimes:

  1. Talking during morning work
  2. Because said perpetrator wasn't listening during morning work, he was escorted to the math table as a punishment then claimed to get all confused with his work of numbers.
  3. Perp didn't finish his morning work because he couldn't stop running his piehole, so his poor, downtrodden teacher allegedly forced him to miss recess so that he could finish his work.  In the words of the Perp, "So I missed part of my recess because of my bad behavior."
  4. Perp allegedly busted again for not listening during an outdoor social studies lesson.
  5. During said outdoor social studies lesson, downtrodden teacher allegedly told the students to NOT use the playground equipment during the lesson.  Perp ignored the command and went headfirst down the playground slide in the midst of the social studies lesson.
  6. Perp was relegated to serving a timeout on a bench outside very far away from the social studies lesson AND the playground.  This resulted in missing most of the social studies lesson.
  7. At naptime, Perp opted to secure a 'different' spot than his usual one, allegedly further angering the downtrodden teacher.
  8. At P.E., Perp chose to hang upside down from the bleachers on which the chorus class was in the midst of practicing.
  9. Still at P.E., Perp somehow grew seven feet and hung from a basketball hoop, warranting yet another timeout for the day, this one him requiring to sit facing a wall, Blair Witch-style.
  10. Because Perp was so 'bad' all day, he was forbidden from participating in freeplay (um...DUH), and was forced to continue serving the Blair Witch timeout so as to ensure that he would have no chance at having an ounce of fun.
  11. After the school day ended, Perp boarded the school bus for the ride home.  Allegedly, Perp pulled down his pants and showed a group of boys his underwear because it was camo and, well, "cool".
  12. Upon return to the homestead, Perp drew on the kitchen floor with Sharpie markers.
  13. Perp lied to his parents that his innocent sister drew 'x's' on the kitchen floor with Sharpie markers.
  14. Perp was sent to the tub to wash off the marker stains from his body, and made the choice to enter the bathtub fully clothed.
  15. Later, Perp called his Father a "Smart Mouth".  The consequence of this action remains in the 'vault' as a protective custodial order.
  16. As his Mother was reviewing his list of SIXTEEN PLUS crimes for this ONE day, Perp was not listening or paying attention, started goofing off, and fell off the bed.
Sentencing Hearing:

  1. Perpetrator pled nolo contendre, at the advice of his pro bono non-licensed attorney, his sister.
  2. Perpetrator was sentenced to "Boredom to Death". 
  3. Perpetrator's impassioned plea to the judge(s):  "You mean I can't do NUTHIN?"  "NUTHIN?"  "NO TV?"  "NO NUTHIN?"
  4. Judges - You may eat.  You may sleep.  You may poop and you may pee.  But you will not have any fun.  Ever.  Or until we are done being mad.
Parole Hearing:
  1. Judges issued unrestricted parole to the Perpetrator because he made them laugh two days later and they forgot why he was in trouble in the first place.  Oh, and because they wanted to go see Megamind and couldn't find a babysitter.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Spawn


So, I know what you're going to say.


He is sooooooo gosh darn......C U T E!

Yeah, that's what I was thinking....

Until yesterday.

And no amount of pontifficating was going to change the situation.

He got in trouble at school.

BIG trouble.

And I can't even write about it here, that's the kind of trouble.

It made me madder than a wet hen.

Kinda like this pose right here.....

So, his punishments and consequences were dealt, and he was well prepared to receive them, I gotta give him credit for that.

But several hours later, he did something so utterly S T U P I D......and L A Z Y......and very difficult for a W O M A N to understand and accept as 'normal'.


The Spawn.

He was watching TV by himself in the den.

Then he emerged from the den holding a cup.

Reilly screamed, "Did you P E E in MY Busch Gardens cup?"

And the Spawn proudly said, "YEP!"

And then my head spun Linda Blair style and all the profanities I haven't said since January 1st just erupted like explosive molten lava from my volcanic mouth.

I never dreamed I'd have to ask the Spawn, "What would make you think it is APPROPRIATE to PEE in a CUP while you are watching TV on the NEW couch?  What?  WHAT?  W H A T??????"

And The Spawn replied, "I didn't want to leave my 'spot' on the couch, cuz I was really comfortable."

Me and The Spawn had a serious "Come to Jesus" meetin' after that response.


By the end of the night, The Spawn truly was, 'out of clever things to say'.

Dear God, let's keep it that way for about a day or so, okay?

Thank you.