Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Day One


Wednesday, July 1, 2009.

Day One of our trip of a 'lifetime'.

No, we don't have jobs. And no, we do not have a money factory in our backyard. And no, we do not own a Lear Jet or a Winnebago. And no, I am not the healthiest nut in the tree. But we have a gift of time. So we are taking a six week vacation with our children, a vacation that we may never have the opportunity to take again.

Destinations to be revealed intermittently.

If I give away all the details, you won't come back for more!

So we departed our beloved home at exactly 4:06 a.m. Billy Two Swords is obsessed with 'making good time'.

Well, we arrived at our first destination in GREAT time!

We got there at exactly 6:59 pm.

Here's a picture of where we landed. It's up to you sleuths to figure it out.

A few minor details from Day One:

Note to Self - 'chocolate milk' juice boxes might not have been such a great idea.

Note to Self 2 - Jake might not have been such a great idea.

At one point in our journey, I said to the ever-mouth-running Jake: "Hey - Piehole runneth over!"

He responded with, and I quote: "Hey! Heather runneth mountain!". Still have no idea what that meant.

More Captain Jake Sparrowisms:

"There's a lollipop stuck on my bear can you get it off?"


"Why not?"

"Who put the lollipop on your bear?"

"I dunno."

And I just loved this one -

"I smell smoke on that mountain way over there. There must be some mountain man having a cookout. Can we go to it?"

All of us had been up since 330 am, and the children did not nap AT ALL.

At one point in our journey, Jake called up Grandpa to warn him of his impending doom (arrival)

"Hey Granpda? You got gas in them four-wheelers? Cuz I'm a coming!"

"Hey Grandpa? You gonna let me shoot your guns again? Cuz I'm a coming!"

(Note to Jake's teacher Ms. West - I love you, I really do, but if Jake calls me Ms. West ONE MORE FREAKING TIME, I'm kicking YOUR butt!)

It is now 6:04 pm.

After watching all 3 Spiderman movies, The Captain and Reilly the Red are fighting over whether or not Reilly can be Spiderman's girlfriend, Mary Jane. Mom wants to be Mary Jane, but they won't let me. I ask them if I can be Batman's girlfriend, and they looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and said, "Sure." Thank goodness I have a huge crush on Christian Bale and not whiny Tobey Maguire!

It is now 6:06 pm.

"Reilly! Stop it! I'll through my sock at you, if you don't leave me alone!" Yeah, that'll leave a mark.

It is now 6:08 pm.

"Hey! Did you just see those HAY ROLLS?"

It is now 6:20 pm.

We are up in them there mountains. And it is curvy and swirly.

"Hey! My pee-pee just tingled when we went over that hill!"

A few more curves and swirls and pee-pee tingles, and we are getting hugs and kisses by Grandma and Grandpa.

And then they threw up.

Not simultaneous vomiting, but synchronized puking.

Was it the cheez-its, slim jims, candy, pringles, carrots, pretzels, lollipops, boxed 'chocolate milk', sips of Billy Two Swords' Monster drinks?

OR - the roller coaster ride through the hills of Almost Heaven. (a clue, a clue!)

OR - the running around Grandma's house like nekkid chickens with their necks cut off?

OR - the WalMart Mac N Cheese and Applesauce that was served to them on a silver platter upon their much-anticipated arrival?

Irrelevant really.

One nekkid kid puking and screaming over the half-full bathtub.

The other trying not to barf on her freshly washed hair while hugging the porcelain goddess.

Seriously - they started puking AT EXACTLY THE SAME SECOND. It's not like one of them puked, and the other one smelled it, and then barfed because of the sight or smell of the barf before them.


Fallon's Law, once again - Something WILL ALWAYS go wrong. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS

It's my fault.

I cursed us at hour 13 of our 15 hour journey when I said "I'm scared to say this, BUT...." and Billy Two Swords told ME to shut my piehole. He knew what I was going to say: " far, this has been the easiest, problem-free trip to Almost Heaven that we have EVER taken, especially since we have two kids who are predisposed to car sickness."


Two hours later.

Macaroni and 'chocolate milk' vomit all over poor Gramma's bathroom.

And my bet, is that within 15 minutes of my cleaning up of the pukey kids and the pukey mess, and the pukey mom and dad, and the kids put to bed, everyone in Almost Heaven knew that the Florida Pirate kids were 'sick' upon arrival, even the esteemed Senator Robert C. Byrd for crying out loud.....

Wait....Senator Robert C. Byrd? Was that another clue?



  1. West Virginia-what do I win?
    and the puking kids-----
    lol, why'd ya go and JINX yourself! You sooo asked for that

  2. I have a special West Virginia trinket, just for YOU. Email me your address, and I'll send it to you after I recover from this 'vacation of a lifetime'.