Welcome to Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia.
Where Wi-Fi doesn't exist.
Nor cell phone service.
Blah Blah Blah, you heard this already, I know.
Prior to our departure for the 'trip of a lifetime', I transferred funds from some of my offshore Cayman accounts (PHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!), into our checking account, so that I could set up electronic payments for all of our bills for the length of our trip.
Since I had no internet access, I called the automated system at our bank to confirm that the Cayman funds had transferred, and of course, they had NOT!
And I had NO way of tracking the Cayman funds, as all the information is on the internet.
So I did nothing for an entire twenty-four hours but bury my head in the coal and hope and pray that tomorrow the funds would show up.
In the meantime.....
Captain Jake Sparrow asks me, "Hey Mom? What are we doing tomorrow?"
Hurricane: "I have no idea, Jake. Why?" (Note to self - never ask Jake 'Why?')
Captain: "PLEASE tell me we are going to the Grand Canyon TOMORROW!"
Oh buoy. This is going to be ONE......VERY.......LONG......trip.
We decided to venture 'out' to 'town' for the day.
Billy Two Swords proceeds to 'spike' the Captain's mohawk.
Sparrow starts screaming, "I AM MAD AT YOU! I didn't want my mohawk spiked TODAY! I wanted it spiked TOMORROW!"
During our lengthy drive 'to town', the Captain exclaims, "Those goats look like dogs!"
He then asks, "How many cows are we going to see?"
I reply, "I dunno, why don't you count them?"
So, friends, he counted 46 cows on the way 'to' town, and 64 cows on the way 'from' town.
We have this little saying in our family, that needs some explanation.
When our kids hang out with Wyatt Earp and Miley C. and Hannah Montana, they are ALWAYS exhausted when they come home. They spend the next day in a quasi-hangover. So we tease them that they have been "Wyatt-ed'.
This phrase applies to Billy Two Swords, when he spends a little too much time with his friend, Nub. The next day, when he is in a 'real' hangover, he says, "I've been Nub-bed".
Which brings me back to Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia.
The Captain was itching to spend some time with other kids (boys) his age. He said West Virginia doesn't have any 'cool' kids.
Billy Two Swords told him that in the next couple of days, he was about to be 'Radcliff-ed'.
The Captain seemed intrigued, and scared at the same time.
Two Swords told him all about Cousin Jimmy Radcliff, and Cousin Jimmy's 'boys'. And how, after Jake spent some time with Cousin Jimmy's 'boys', he would be 'Radcliff-ed'.
That night, Sparrow prayed the following:
"Dear God, please help me to not be too 'Radcliff-ed' tomorrow. Amen."
And then I fell down.
I fall down at least once a day.
And no, not because I'm drunk.
Because my knees don't work. But that's a story for another blog.
Regardless, after everyone was tucked in, I had to get up for something, and I fell down a set of three stairs.
Two Swords laughed first, then said, "Again? Do I need to get up?"
Sparrow was very concerned, "Mommy! Are you okay? Do you need any help? Do you need a band-aid? Do you need to go to the hospital? Do you need any help? Are you okay?"
And then Reilly the Red spoke up:
"Sorry, Mom, I would get up and help you but I'm just too tired but I hope you're okay anyway."
I don't even think her eyes opened or her thumb came out of her mouth the entire time she spoke.
To those who care, I was fine.