Saturday, August 1, 2009

Day Twenty One - Pee, Pickles, and Palazzo


Today we went to a free movie, Igor, to kill some time until Two Fisted Chris got home from work.

After the movie, there was this little water playground for the kids to play in.

Why don't they have free movies where we live?

I digress.

Whilst the children were splashing about in the 117 degree heat (I promise), I found a bit of shade underneath a wooden playground apparatus.

I'm sitting there, in the shade, minding my own business.

I promise!

When all of a sudden, a liquid was dumped on my head.

Initially, I thought it was water.

I mean, what else COULD it be?

And then I smelled it.




Some two year old kid climbed up the playground, hid in a corner, and just let the pee go down his leg.

Onto my head.

And shirt.

And shorts.

And arms.

And face.

I grabbed my stuff, found Two Swords and said, "We have to go RIGHT NOW."

"Why? Are you sick?"

"No. Some freaking kid just peed on my head."


My Jedi Death Stare was all he needed to know I was serious.

Thankfully, I had brought a bathing suit with me in case I had wanted to splash in the sprinkler park (which in retrospect I SHOULD have, and then would have gone my whole life without being peed on my head), so I was able to clean up as much as possible, put on my bathing suit, and head to the car.

I'm pretty sure that God was paying me back for all the practical jokes I have been playing on my brother since we arrived in Vegas.

On Day One, I went into his Pittsburgh Steeler 'room', and switched Super Bowl #1 victory frame with Super Bowl #4 victory frame. He never would have noticed, except SOMEBODY didn't line up the holes when HE hung his damn frames.

So as soon as you walk in the room, the fourth frame is 1" lower than the rest.

When he saw it, he laughed, and said I was right, he never would have noticed if one wasn't lower than the other three.

I also mixed up all his framed golf balls into a geometric pattern, turning the names of the courses around so all you could see was white, and put the Dallas Cowboys ball on the top, and the Pittsburgh Steeler ball on the bottom. Yes, I'm a Steeler fan, but I thought it was funny.

Thankfully, he did too. He was impressed.

So I digress.

God was reprimanding me for being a jokester by sending a kid to pee on my head.

I get it.

But will it make me stop? HA! Of course not!

What are the odds I'll ever get peed on the head again?

Don't answer that......

The plan for the rest of the day was the following:

As soon as my brother got home, Billy Two Swords and Hurricane Heather were headed for a night away from the mini-Pirates, whilst Two Fisted Chris and Mermaidelicious 'babysat'.

On the way back to the house, Captain Jake Sparrow asked, "When am I going to get to play with Uncle Chris' football friends?"

I had no idea what he was talking about.

"You know Mommy! All of Uncle Chris' famous football friends! The ones he meets from his workjob?"

Oh! Right!

You see, Uncle Chris works in the hospitality industry in Las Vegas and has lots of connections and gets to meet lots of neat and famous people, and has tons of autographed sports memorabilia.

So Jake thought his football 'friends' were REAL friends.

"Do you think they will come over tonight and play football with us and have a sleepover?"

"Um, Jake, they are not THAT kind of friends."

"But Mommy! Don't they come to Uncle Chris' birthday parties and play with him and have pinatas and eat hot dogs and play football and watch TV and eat candy and play the Wii and and play football and have slumber parties? I know they do! So can you call Uncle Chris and ask him if his football friends can come over and play with us tonight?"

"Sure, Buddy. Sure."


Finally, Uncle Chris came home.

He told us, "Hey! Guess who I met today!"


"That guy! That guy, that food guy, that guy with the blonde hair who drives the convertible all over the country?"

"Guy Fieri?!?!?"

"Yeah! THAT guy!"


"Yeah! I couldn't remember his name, but I told him I loved his show."

(Uncle Chris doesn't watch the Food Network, but this is why he is so good in hospitality, because he is a wonderful LIAR, ahem, Salesman...)

Well, we were impressed and especially tickled that we were now officially TWO degrees from Guy Fieri.

We hugged and kissed the kids and headed for here:


The Palazzo Las Vegas.

Courtesy of the greatest hospitality host in the universe, Two-Fisted Uncle Chris.

A fabulous 25th floor concierge level Palazzo suite, PLUS free babysitting?

Are you kidding me?

Uncle Chris and Aunt Meredith are the BOMB!

So me and Two Swords went off to do the "Whatever happens in Vegas, GOD KNOWS", stuff.

Which included a fabulous dinner on the 50th floor of the Rio Hotel, with a very expensive bottle of red wine provided by (who else, but.....) Two-Fisted Chris!, who give EXPLICIT instructions that I was not allowed to put ice in it or drink it out of a plastic cup (my preferred way of drinking wine - I'm Southern, and a redneck, and yes I know better, but at least I order my steak medium-rare, so shut up!).


We texted the babysitters to see how things were going.



According to Two-Fisted Chris, the Captain went into the refrigerator to get his own milk (which is absolutely forbidden and the Captain knew it but Uncle Chris of course did NOT), and spilled milk all over the floor.

Uncle Chris started to clean up this (his words) HUGE milk mess, when the Captain came up to him and said, "Hey, can you get me an apple?"

Two-Fisted Chris replied, with a mean face, but (allegedly) with a most patient voice,

"Jake? Are you TESTING me?"

And the Captain rolled his eyes, meandered from leg to leg and mocked, "No, Uncle Chris, I am NOT testing you. Duh."

Two-Fisted Chris aptly stepped up to the parental plate and said, "Then go back on that damn couch and sit down until I am done cleaning up YOUR milk mess and THEN I will THINK about giving you an apple."

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the Captain actually acquiesced, sat down, and forgot about that DAMN apple!

Later, when Mermaidelicious came home, THIS is what transpired:

Mermaidelicious also introduced our children to In N Out burgers.


One of my most favorite things about the West....In N Out burgers.

'Cept The Captain was a bit disappointed.

In N Out burgers didn't satisfy his pickle quotient.

He kept asking Mermaidelicious, "Pickle? Pickle? Pickle?"

Thus, the summary of our day:

Pee, Pickles, and Palazzo.

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