Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Day Twenty Four - The Florida/Vegas/Texas Pirate Festivus

The Florida Pirates are:

Hurricane Heather
Reilly the Red
Captain Jake Sparrow

and never to be forgotten, Billy Two Swords:

The Vegas Pirates are:

Mermaidelicious (aka Yummy Guardian of the Sea)

And the illustrious and magical,

Two-Fisted Chris

Well, now you get to meet the Texas Pirates.

First a little background.

The Texas Pirates heard the Florida Pirates were going to hang out in Nevada with the Vegas Pirates and booked a flight immediately.

So we had us a Pirate Festivus.

Yessireee, Bob.

Without further ado, The Texas Pirates!

The always lovely, and ever so gracious:

Lori Longstocking!

And her scallywag of a spouse:

Black Jack Bentley!

And so began our Pirate Festivus for the rest of us.

We spent the day, traipsing about the 'strip', during the day (so as not to have the children's eyes burned from all the evildo-ing that takes place at night).

Our first stop was the Bellagio.

The pictures need no introduction or description.

(for the record, this is GLASS....!)

and this is a frog made out of flowers!

Well I have to spend a little bit of time talking about this next series of pictures, and to write the sincerest of apologies to Mermaidelicious.

She told me we were going to see a chocolate fountain.

My very vocal response was "Big freaking , whoop dee doo!, hello, I OWN a chocolate fountain, this better be impressive, blah, blah, blah," as I usually, typically always do.......and as I usually, typically, always do, I ended up putting my size 6 1/2 foot in my mouth when she took us to this:

I know.

I'm sorry, Mermaidelicious.

I should have trusted you.

This is Vegas, for crying out loud, where a pair of black socks costs twenty-two dollars on sale, of course you would be taking us to:


The world's LARGEST chocolate fountain.

Yes, it was worth the walk.

Later we went to Paris.

And I realize I forgot to mention that Captain Jake Sparrow discovered a treasure whilst on vacation.


Not the game.

The beverage.

He thinks it is a new product.

Everywhere we go, he asks people, "Hey, have you tried this new stuff called SEVEN?"

Or says, "Mom, why do they call it SEVEN?"


So in Vegas, he DEMANDED I take the following picture.

Apparently, he had never seen such a sight before.

It's really not my photographic style, but I had to do it, just to get him to shut the hell up.

And because he emphasized, "You know, Mom, for the SCRAPBOOK!"


Here it is.

And here is the Captain, expressing his gratitude:


Some more tidbits from the day.

Black Jack Bentley and Billy Two Swords had some dialogue related to taking Captain Jake Sparrow to a topless bar.


The conversation went something like, "that Jake, he is such a ham, if we took him to one of those topless bars, it would be like a puppy on a string."

And the Captain says, "What's a topless CAR?"

To which I very succintly ended the conversation with, "A convertible".


In N Out burgers.


I forgot how much I loved them.

And I wish I knew why they weren't on the East Coast.

Oh, I know why.

Because if they were, I would weigh 600 lbs.

Thank you, God, for not letting In N Out burgers come to Florida. Amen.


Later at the house, the grownups were having a VERY R-rated, bordering on X-rated, adult conversation, thinking that the children were upstairs.

About 15 minutes into our conversation, the downstairs bathroom opens.

It was the Captain.

Six sets of adult eyes start bugging out of their heads.

I do my best to calmly approach my child.

"Jake? How long have you been in that bathroom?"

"Twelve hours, Mom."

"What were you doing in there?

"Wiping my butt."

"For TWELVE hours?"

"Yep, and I sprayed some stuff."

And he ran upstairs.

Frightened, but not nearly as frightened as Mermaidelicious, I approached the bathroom.

It was remarkably clean, but he sprayed stuff on the FLOOR.

The HARDWOOD floor.

Mermaidelicious thought it was pee, and I assured her that wasn't his modus operandi, that he would pee all over the wall before he peed in the middle of the bathroom floor.

I bent down and smelled the 'stuff'.

I was right, thankfully.



It's the end of a very long, very fun, awesome Pirate Festivus of a day.

I went to bed first, just because, well, I COULD! HA!

I am in bed, reading, as I do most nights, with the door closed.

Captain Jake Sparrow attempts to BREAK THE DOOR DOWN.

(please remember we are staying in a home that is not ours, and we still have about five days remaining in our stay. thank you.)


And friends, I promise you, once again, I do not lie awake at night dreaming up things I can imagine really happened just to make my blog funnier.


This is an actual transcript of the rest of the story:

"I was talking to my fake ninja friends and they told me to come break your door down."

"Jake, you need to get some new fake friends, buddy."

"Okay Mom. Hey Ninjas, I can't be your friend anymore. Deal or no deal! Goodnight Mommy!"


1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness! I love that child. You guys have such an attractive family!