Big, Huge......................

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So I picked up the Captain from school on Friday.

His teacher, Miss Ashley, took me aside and said that Jake was complaining all day that his "butt was wet".

HUH?

I asked her if he had an accident.

She said that he hadn't, and she looked down his pants and underwear, and couldn't detect any 'wetness'.

I said, Okay.

But I really meant, "Whatever."

So we get in the car.

And the Sparrow goes ON and ON and ON about his butt being wet.

I asked him a whole litany of questions related to the source of this butt wetness.

I didn't get any realistic answers.

When we got home, I told the Sparrow to go take a bath.

He trots down to the bathroom, and starts the water, and takes his clothes off.

And then he screams.

"MOM! You have GOT to come SEE this!"

Here we freaking go again.

His wonderwears were full of poop.

Wet, runny diarrhea poop.

I asked him, "Did you have diarrhea today?"

He shrugged and said, "kinda."

I asked him if he told Miss Ashley he 'kinda' had diarrhea.

He said, "Nope."

I asked him why did he not tell Miss Ashley he 'kinda' had diarrhea.

He gave me the classic Captain Jake Sparrow shrug and sigh and said:

"I didn't want her to see my big, huge balls."

Huh?

"What?"

"I didn't want her to see my big, huge balls."

"Wait. Are we talking about the same kind of balls here?"

"Yes, Mom. You know, those big, huge balls, that dangle underneath my pee-pee? THOSE big, huge balls."

How do you stop laughing when your kid says this kind of stuff?

And how do you continue the conversation when you nearly diarrhea your own pants, you are laughing so hard?

"Jake, I don't understand what your big, huge balls have to do with the diarrhea?"

"MOM! The diarrhea was wet and it got all over my big, huge balls, and I couldn't wipe it off because my big, huge balls were in the way, and I didn't want Miss Ashley to see them, so I didn't tell her about it, I just told her my butt was wet. Geesh."

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

I got it.

That makes perfect sense.

Now how do I tell him that he in fact does NOT have big, huge balls?

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