Thursday, August 6, 2009

Day Twenty Five - The Damn Tour



The Damn Tour.

As in the Hoover Dam.

Now, why do I have to use profanity, you ask?

Well, for one thing, this blog started out as a 'G' rated blog.

It has very quickly been demoted to 'PG-13'. We totally skipped 'PG' Not sure how that happened, other than,

"Have you MET me?"

and may border on 'R' by the time you finish reading this, or perhaps, just looking at the photos.

But that's not why it's called the Damn Tour.

When you approach the Hoover Dam, there are blue signs that say "turn your am dial to 1600 for Dam instructions."

But when you turn your dial to 1600, this is what you really HEAR:

"Upon entering the DAMN attraction,

please park your car in the DAMN lot.

The DAMN tour will begin in 15 minutes.

The DAMN tour will take approximately 1 and 1/2 hours.

Flash photography is allowed during the DAMN tour.

Please do not through anything off the DAMN bridge.

Please do not hang over the DAMN bridge.

The DAMN tours will end at 6 pm."

And that's really all I have to say about the Damn Tour.

Rather than take the Damn Tour, we opted to boat instead.

That's right, because we're Pirates, and that's how we roll.


We entered on the Colorado River side, and totally skipped Lake Mead.

Here is Captain Jake Sparrow teaching Black Jack Bentley how to pretend to drive a boat.

And here is Reilly the Red actually DRIVING a boat, whilst Black Jack reaches for an adult beverage that absolutely, positively, did NOT contain alcohol.

BTW - Red is a fabulous driver. I think I've mentioned this before. Go-karts, lawn mowers, four-wheelers, boats. Yeah, and she's seven. She is so awesome. She can do three-point turns and donuts. So in fact, she really and truly was driving this boat. She can even put it in reverse, and adjust the motor up and down. Reilly the Red ROCKS!

Oh, and by the way, we Pirates have become Explorers.

Not only did we conquer a mountain in Utah, but there is now a Mount Two Swords in Arizona:

This is Black Jack Bentley, claim jumping on Billy Two Swords' Mountain and thunder.

And of course, not be outdone, the only other person in the universe who requires, demands, and receives, more attention than Captain Jake Sparrow, Two-Fisted Chris not only claim jumped a claim jumper, he actually showed off by JUMPING off of his claim jumped claim.

Note to our mother: Yes, he really did. I screamed at him "Christopher, this is about the STUPIDEST thing you are about to do, and you have done some REALLY stupid stuff in your life like try to join the Marines, and run around the neighborhood in your Superman underoos while you put up all the flags on all of the mailboxes, and wear your underwear on your head whilst performing voodoo on Atlanta Braves baseball cards in your own pee in your mom's tupperware, but this one takes the cake."

He jumped.

He said he wasn't worried so much about the depth, but about the freezing temperatures in the 'hopefully' deep water.

It was 117 degrees that day.

The water was 40 degrees.

Okay, maybe 50.

But you get the drift.

There was some major shrinkage going on.

This is me and Lori Longstocking, enjoying, well, just enjoying.

And yes, if it were biologically possible, as you can tell by the look on my face, I would have had major shrinkage. It was COLD.

Oh, and that is Billy Two Swords WAY out in the background. Trying to see how far he can drift away.

Obviously he didn't drift too far away, because he was back to pose with one of his two favorite pirates.

Can you believe that my two children are playing together NICELY?

They were making a pizza.


Let me take a moment to tell you how beautiful the scenery was.

And here we have another (in the words of Captain Jake Sparrow),


This is the Damn Bridge.

It is being built to help the locals and the commuters get around all of the Damn gawkers.

The pictures don't do it justice. I'm sure you will be seeing it on Discovery Channel soon.

Don't ask me the name of it, I just know it's the Damn Bridge.

Okay, so I saw this, and it inspired me.

For obvious reasons.

Most everybody else in the boat saw a utility pole.

I saw the sign of God.

And it's repentance in advance for my 'R' rated post that's about to come.

(Aside to Leon and Shawn - does that count as extra credit? Since we all know, of all people, I am definitely going to need it....)

This is Captain Jake Sparrow issuing a mayday.

Don't know why.

Perhaps he was complaining that we had run out of cantaloupe?

And not to be outdone,

Mermaidelicious with her two baby pirates, Roxy and Hurley.

Back to the splendor of the scenery:

How many have you have ever seen a sight this utterly amazing, this close, for real, in real life, with your own two eyes?

A Bighorn Ram

How beautiful, yet how.....

utterly disturbing that this guy is a Polygamist Ram, with his own harem?

And for the grand finale of the day.

I'm sure all of you have seen a rack of lamb before.

But have you ever seen a SACK of RAM?

And now you know why my blog is now 'R' rated.


  1. LOL, that was a great post, very enjoyable, uh, not sure about that giant sac at the end, but now I know why your blog is rated R ;)! Love the peeing mountains and the whole Damn tour!

  2. Your vacation posts make me want to just take off and see the country! I was just discussing that with someone the other day. No need to leave the US to see beautiful. We have it all right here in our US of A. Your kids are great. I love the battle scars on Capt. Jake. They are precious. What wonderful memories they will have of this family vac. You all rock.

  3. oh and the sack is nasty. This is why I love you so much. You're my kinda lady. heehee

  4. HA! Love the damn tour! Great pics. . . except maybe for that last one. :0

  5. Oh Heather, I have thoroughly enjoyed your vacation pictures. This was definitely one of my favorite posts! After seeing your last picture, I want to sing "do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro..." but replace "ears" with something else!

  6. Love it Lindy, love it. And thank you, now I can't get the song out of my head, and the next time the Captain sings it, you know I'll be singing your version.
    Hold on a few more days, the Sack makes a return, but in a completely different form.....