Actual transcript from 14 seconds ago:
Captain Jake Sparrow: "I need somebody to come wipe my butt. I am not touching it. There is poop all over the place."
Billy Two Swords: "What makes you think anybody else wants to touch it."
Captain Jake Sparrow: "I don't care. It's disgusting and I am not touching it. I need Mommy to wipe it."
Friends, Mommy has yet to leave the couch. FYI.
Note: Mr. Frodo DID paint the bathroom a nice sea green. I am too nervous to go in there for fear of what lies in wait.