Fred - the Anal-Retentive, Constipated Dog

Meet Fred.

A Jack Russell terrier, Cocker Spaniel mix.

Which means he's a hyperactive schizoid. Or so the vet in Washington DC told me.

We rescued him. From a horribly yucky house. He needed us. And we wanted him.

We were told he was wonderful and that he was great with kids and that he liked to play ball and that he was house trained.

Yeah.

Almost all of that is true.

Oh he is great with kids.

And he likes to play ball. Just ask Mr. Frodo.

But wonderful? Yeah, only if he were house-trained.

A little history....

We have always crate-trained our dogs. Always. Why should this little eleven pound mutt be any different?

And then there was the day we tried to crate him.

I'll just tell you how it ended - with a half-digested steel crate, golf ball sized holes in the living room wall, dog poop (yeah, that again) and dog pee and dog puke everywhere, and four stitches in MY left leg.

Even though we have AFLAC, I didn't want to go to the E/R with another dog-related injury, so we gave up on the crating.

Fred can be left alone now. He's much better at that.

HOWEVER (COMMA):

Is there anyone out there who can tell me why this dog of mine can not or will not POOP while on a leash?

Or when he's not on a leash, why he can not or will not POOP outside?

Or why is it that he will be walked for a freaking hour, be left alone in the house for FIVE MINUTES and THEN poop?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Yeah, this isn't our first dog.

We know how to put his inside poop in a designated place outside and lead him to it in the hopes that he'll find it like any self-respecting Southern woman would a Racetrack toilet on I-75 in Brunswick, Georgia.

We know to feed him and walk him the same time every day.

We know.

We know.

We know.

And yet, the inside-only-when-I'm-by-myself-and-only-on-the-world-famous-red-circle-rug-from-IKEA-which-just-happens-to-be-in-the-living-room pooping continues.

I welcome any and all suggestions or advice you may have, friends.

Particularly if the suggestions include the use of a taser.