Thursday, October 1, 2009

Birthday BUTT Jelly


More birthday crap.

You'll like this one though.

Because the young pirates make lots of appearances.

For my birthday, I asked my husband, the great, illustrious, incomparable, irreplaceable Billy Two Swords, if he would take me fishing for my birthday. Just me and him, no kids.

His response?


Two Swords was convinced I had an ulterior motive. Since when would anyone's wife ask to go fishing with her husband on HER birthday, especially Two Swords' wife of all the wives on the planet? That's ludicrous!

Usually I do have an ulterior motive, in his defense.


Not this time.

I like fishing.

I really do.

And I'm good enough at it that I actually bait my own hook, tie my own line, cast by myself, and every now and again, actually catch a damn fish.

But when we take the young Pirates, it can be a menagerie.

Granted, they enjoy CATCHING fish.

They can't stand WAITING to catch fish.

So with a quick call to Dirty Diana (who just happens to live ON the Gulf of Mexico with her husband, my dad, Tide Water Ted) we were headed for a birthday weekend fishing extravaganza.

It began on Friday evening, at the infamous beer and wings joint where Captain Jake Sparrow peed on his own face.

After THAT menagerie, Dirty Diana took the two young pirates to the dollar store (see, I told you it was going to come back to haunt me), to buy presents for Rojo's birthday party on Saturday night.

Sometime before midnight, it was decided that Tide Water Ted was going fishing with us. I was cool with that. Especially since he was letting us use HIS boat. There are going to be many more posts about Tide Water Ted, now that HE has a pirate name, but let me just say this. If you wonder where my OCD comes from, it most definitely comes from Tide Water Ted. He NEVER lets ANYBODY touch ANY of his STUFF. Not his TOOLS. Not his CARS. Not his COFFEE MUGS FROM TEXACO THAT ARE ABOUT 27 YEARS OLD. And especially, NOT HIS BOAT. So of course, Tide Water Ted, PLEASE, come aboard your own boat, and go fishing with me and Two Swords!

Saturday morning, we all got up, and ate the scrumptious biscuits and sausage gravy that Dirty Diana had prepared.

We prayed before we ate.

And then Reilly the Red offered a second prayer:

"Dear God, please don't let Grandma run out of here like a maniac after spending the day with me and Jake. Amen."

Oh how insightful that child is!

Off went the fisherpeople.

We had a great day.

Fish galore.

All kinds of fish.

Mostly fish we couldn't keep, but there were some beautiful specimens, of all different species, shapes, colors, sizes, some of which weren't even in Tide Water Ted's fishing book.

It was a good day.

We returned to port, with one 'keeper'. A fabulous Sea Bass, slayed by Two Swords.

Once it was filleted, it looked about the size of a chicken nugget. Whoa. Now I know why I'm not a professional fisherperson.


My high school BFF Marguerita arrived from St. Pete, just in time for dinner.

Dirty Diana cooked my fayvorite birthday dinner: eye of round roast, homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, french style green beans.


And then we had presents.

Here is the photojournal, taken by Marguerita:

(I'm not sure why they are so small - perhaps it's for YOUR own protection),

Captain Jake Sparrow, STARVING, waiting ever so patiently for his supper.

Dirty Diana, in the midst of preparing the oh-so-fabulous birthday meal.

Billy Two Swords and Tide Water Ted, doing what they do best. 'Nuff said.

Posers, doing what they do best. Showing off.

Reilly the Red and Captain Jake Sparrow, "We ate all our damn supper, now where is our DAMN cake and ice cream already? What the hell?"

Hurricane Rojo making her birthday wish, which she fully disclosed to all who were present and now with all of you,
"I wish that my life will remain as perfectly lovely and blessedly happy as it is right now, right this minute, for ever and ever, Amen."
And then there were a bunch of "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwws"
And two "Can we have our cake NOW, Grandma? Ugh! We've been WAITING!"

The commencement of the Dollar Store present openings.
Woohoo! Shamwow! Woohoo!

A foam hammer?
Purchased by the Captain?
You mean, I get to play WHACK A MOLE with my own kid?
And HE bought me the WHACKER with his OWN cash?
This is better than Shamwow!

And NO Dollar Store birthday present extravaganza would be complete without a Toucan Sam Froot Loop hat from hell, right?

Thank you, Dirty Diana, for the Ghiardelli chocolate that I have NO intention of sharing with ANYbody, no matter what Captain Sparrow's beleaguered pleading face might lead you to believe.

Side view of the Rojo, opening her crazy gifts, scared to know what has yet to be opened. (with very good reason, as you are about to see in a moment)

Rojo: What is THIS?
Rojo: What is THIS?
Rojo: You're kidding me right?

Dirty Diana: He INSISTED! He said you NEEDED it! He said MY MOM HAS TO HAVE THIS!
Rojo: You're kidding me right?
Reilly the Red: (as you can see in the picture, she is busting a gut, and can't even talk she is laughing so hard.)
Dirty Diana: I SWEAR! I couldn't talk him out of it! He argued with me for about 15 minutes, int the middle of the Dollar Store!
Reilly the Red: (between gasps of laughter) It's true Mom. Grandma is telling the truth.
Rojo: Jake?
Captain: Do you like it Mommy?
Rojo: Jake?
Captain: What?
Rojo: Do you know what this is?
Captain. Yep.
Rojo: What is it?
Captain: Lotion.
Rojo: Jake?
Captain: Yeah, mom?
Rojo: Have you ever seen this kind of lotion in our house?
Captain: Nope. But I know you like lotion.
Rojo: Jake?
Captain: Yeah, Mom?
Rojo: This is not lotion.
Captain: It's not?
Rojo: No, it is not.
(audience, please note that all of the other adults and my 7 year old are laughing so hard that they are CRYING and can't even talk and I am left to deal with this ALL BY MY DAMN SELF)
Captain: What is it, Mom? Cuz I thought it was lotion.
Rojo: Jake. It is BUTT jelly.
Captain: PHAAAAAAAAAAA Butt Jelly!
Rojo: Yes. It is BUTT jelly.
Rojo: When you were a little tiny baby, and I had to take your temperature, I had to stick the thermometer into the BUTT JELLY and then stick it into YOUR BUTT.
Rojo: And sometimes, we had to put our fingers in the butt jelly and then stick our fingers in your BUTT to get the poop to come out.
Rojo: So, Jake, why would you buy your MOTHER BUTT JELLY for her birthday?
Captain: Because you NEEDED lotion!
Rojo: Well what are we going to do with the BUTT JELLY now?
Captain: (with a grossed out face) I dunno.
Rojo: I have a great idea. How about I can start making Peanut BUTTer and BUTT jelly sandwiches for you?

On that note, here is the final picture of the post, and of the most awesomest birthday I have had in 10 years.

This is my 39 year old butt.
Captain Jake Sparrow took the picture.
Another photojournalist in the family.
I must say, after seeing the picture, I was a bit proud of my butt.
My 39 year old, two birthed children, 85 surgery (including one on my BUTT!) butt.
Don't know how long it will look this good, so I decided I'm going to ride this one into the station.
Welcome to my butt, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to my butt.



  1. dude...

    this post is all kinds of glorious.

  2. oh yeah...

    "...even them jeans she's wearing...i'm hooked and i can't stop staring...oh baby, i wanna ---"

    alright, i'll stop!!