Friday, October 30, 2009

Nine Honest Things About Me, by ME

This is all Mindi's fault, again.

Enough with the hero worship! PLEASE!

She had to go and give me another freaking award!

Thank you, and you, and you, and you.

But please, unless you're going to offer me money to blog, or Skittles, or Hershey's Cookies N Cream white chocolate candy bars, or come live with us and be our Uncle Charlie or our Alice or our Hazel, then, please, just let me blog!

But thanks anyway!

I've decided to be a total rule-breaker and play the game like this.

I'll tell you Ten Honest Things About Me, but I'll have to try really hard to be honest, and really hard not to embellish, so work with me here, okay?

Here we go.

Ten Honest Things About Me - by Hurricane Rojo

1). My oh-so-fabulously-gorgeous red hair is in fact, duh dun dah dah, NOT real.
Nope. It's fake. Just ask my oh-so-fabulous stylist Theresa. Yep, it's ALL her.
I will tell you this, though. The name of the color? Hot Chili. Yeah baby. I'm dropping the Hot, and adding the Chili. Chili Fallon. Whaddaya think? So the real question is, why do I have the red hair? Because of the attention. Dudes love it. Mostly old dudes. Like at Publix or Walmart or at church. But I don't give a damn where they are. Red hair is amazing for the ego. Worth every penny. And remember, if you read my "Love Story" post, Two Swords was into "The Redhead". The End.

2). A year ago, I was FORCED into buying Old Navy low rise jeans, and throwing out all of my "Mom Jeans". I was so scared. Frightened to death. Thought I would be excommunicated from my church or something. Then I realized I had to go out and buy new underwear. Geesh. Who knew? But I gotta give props to my BFF The Heiress Sea Wench, for seizing a weak moment and converting into an amazing opportunity and realizing she had a 'What Not to Wear' situation on her hands, and voila, man am I H-O-T. Overnight. I suggest that all you ladies do the same. The jeans are TWENTY FOUR dollars. Try them. Tomorrow. Just do it. I started out with "The Flirt", but I have gotten uber-cocky, and now I am 'down' to "The Diva". Swear.

4). I don't like flowers. I don't like getting flowers. I don't like them. I just don't. UNLESSS..........they are Stargazer Lilies (which I carried in my wedding bouquet to Billy Two Swords, along with some Mexican Heather), then I LOVE them.
Hmmmmmmm. I love the smell of Stargazer Lilies. It will fill up your entire house!
So, I'm a hypocrite. Yeah, well the topic is honesty, so there you go!

5). I drive a Ford Expedition. It is my second one, and yes it is a guzzler, and yes, I am quite small in stature to be driving such a behemoth of a vehicle, but I love it, and I will never drive anything else, unless, GOD FORBID! they stop making them. It just makes me FEEL like a BADASS. Especially this version. It's got some custom ghetto package, it's black with red accents on the inside, and the headrests say "FMF". For Funk Master Flex. Sounded like a rapper to me. So I ask the salesman, "Um, is Funk Master Flex a rapper?" And OF COURSE he said, "Oh no, it's just some custom package Ford put together to advertise their new Flex vehicle." And me, usually the most disbelieving person in the Milky Way galaxy said, "Oh, okay". So I go home and google Funk Master Flex, and I'll be damned if he ain't no rapper my ass! And a gangsta rapper at that. So after discussing this with Billy Two Swords, and really not wanting to give the car back because we pretty much stoled it since it was the day the market crashed 800 points the FIRST time, and because we really liked it, and because we got 0.00% financing, we decided to keep the Funk Master Flex. 'cept we changed the name. It is now known as FUNK MASTER FALLON.
You gotta problem with that? Didn't think so. Take it up with FUNK MASTER FLEX.

6). I swear, on the lives of my babies, I never, ever wanted children, until I met Billy Two Swords and had the hook in my mouth. You know, the one from when he went fishing and snagged the Marlin, known as Hurricane Rojo? I was terrified of live birth. How the heck was a kid's HEAD going to fit through a hole that had problems with Super Tampons? Seriously? How on earth would this work? And hello, me? A mother? Now THAT was hilarious. At the time anyway. Now, everytime the phone rings I'm scared to death it's the Department of Children and Families.

"Hello, Mrs. Fallon?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Can you please explain how your son's right eye is the size of a baseball and is purple and black and blue?"

"Uh, his sister threw a monster truck at his face, and gosh almighty, who woulda thought it woulda landed right on his eye?"

"Mrs. Fallon, where were you when this accident occurred?"

"In the house."

"And where were the children?"

"Outside the house?"

"Do you typically leave them unattended when they are outside?"

"No, typically, they have Fred with them."

"Oh. Who is Fred?"

"Their best friend."

"Oh, so sorry to bother you Mrs. Fallon, thank you so much for your time. We will consider this case to be closed with no action and no further intervention necessary. You have been most helpful."

Yeah, um, Fred, he's like our DOG.

But she didn't ask and I didn't tell.

Oh yeah, this never happened, I'm just sayin', if it did.....

This is why I never wanted children. But I have them now, and I love them to pieces. Monster Trucks to the eye or not.

7). I (We) tithe. 10% of our income. 10% of any monetary gifts we receive. 10% of any form of money that comes into this house, be it a tax refund, an escrow overage, an insurance rebate, a birthday card with $5.00 in it from Great Grandma Izzy. We tithe it. You can count on it like you can an abacus. Not going to preach to you, but since we lost our jobs, we BEGAN to tithe the full 10% and guess what? We still don't have jobs. We are still tithing. We are still 100% current on all of our bills, including our home. We still have money in the bank (not as much as we DID, but we have some nonetheless). We have NO needs at this time.
We have obeyed the Lord's command, and we tithe, and he has followed through on his promise to take care of us. 'nuff said.

8). I am addicted to clipping coupons. Sickly addicted. The weird (or cool) thing is, my husband is my biggest supporter. As long as he doesn't have to go to the store with me, he's cool with it. I'm crazy nuts about the coupon clipping. Even back when the two of us were bringing in close to 200 grand a year when we were working, I was still clipping coupons. Yep, I'm a closet clipper.

9). I don't read the Bible near as much as I should. This is becoming more like a confession!

I am 39 years old, I have survived some amazing trauma in my life, I have an incurable, chronic, bitch of a disease, I have the perfect husband, the perfect children, an amazing home, the perfect life. But I am far from being 'done'. Hurricane Rojo has much work to do. On herself, first. But God is far from through with me yet. He has lots of projects he wants me to do. And one of them is to be honest and tell the unembellished truth. So here it is. Love me, with warts and all, or leave me.

Hurricane Rojo



  1. You are freakin' hillarious! haha! You're very welcome. I plan on awarding you whenever I can...nener nener nener. :)

  2. I like the sweetheart jeans. Cept when they fall down. And my post aboout jeans, about not enough belt loops, that was about those jeans. Hmm... so why do I like those jeans? uhhhhh. I'll get back to ya.

    TOTALLY impressed that you tithe the 10%. I felt convicted to do this about 1 1/2 yrs ago but hubby wasn't on board. We (he) decided an amount and tithe that, though I often double it and he's none the wiser (I do the bills). But then I got bad about it. Looking at the numbers we didn't have, then got convicted again, and started back last sunday, and man were we blessed this past 2 weeks. Why do we doubt?

  3. I love your honesty! And I also love the Funk Master Flex thing! When you said that you wondered if he was a rapper, I thought, "yep, and the host of a show where he has a team of guys that customize cars... she knows this, right? Or at least Two Swords does." Ok, so google is a God-send!

    Also with the jean thing. I love Old Navy, but I am addicted to Hydraulic brand from Macy's. That's the only place I've found them anyway... and American Eagle brand. Sorry. I'm a real short-stack so I am pretty excited about jeans when I find some that fit well!

  4. You are so funny! I'm still in the Flirt... don't know if I'm adventurous enough to go Diva. My hubby is adamant about tithing 10%. I was not always there with him b/c I was like... if we give that much, we'll starve. Anyhow, he's brought me around and we surely are not starving. God is amazing! :)