America's Funniest Videos

~

So it was the last day of summer camp for the Pirates.

And it was the last day of pre-school for Captain Jake Sparrow. On Monday, he would be headed to the 'other side' of the school, where the 'serious' business of K4 begins.

Where he allegedly will learn how to read.

Where he allegedly will learn how to write his name.

Where he allegedly will exit the anal stage.

Allegedly.

In the meantime..............

So it was the last day of summer camp for the Pirates.

And it also just so happened to be a birthday party for his little girl classmate Riley.

And it also just so happened that little Riley's parents came for her birthday extravaganza, with video camera in tow.

So the birthday games were played.

And the birthday candles were lit and blown out.

And the cake was cut.

And the ice cream was scooped.

And the video camera was-a-rolling.

As all of the children were quietly digging into their cake and ice cream, in anticipation of the promised goodie bags yet to come, one child garnered the attention of the cinematographer.

One child.

One child.

ONE child.

Of course, it would have to be MY child.

As the other kiddos were shoving cake and ice cream into their pieholes, Captain Jake Sparrow screamed the following:

"MISS WEST! MY BUTT IS ITCHY!"

All I have to say is that if little birthday party girl Riley's parents even THINK about sending this clip into America's Funniest Videos...................

This potential mega money machine that I call Captain Jake Sparrow is MINE, dammit, MINE!

~

Big, Huge......................

~
So I picked up the Captain from school on Friday.

His teacher, Miss Ashley, took me aside and said that Jake was complaining all day that his "butt was wet".

HUH?

I asked her if he had an accident.

She said that he hadn't, and she looked down his pants and underwear, and couldn't detect any 'wetness'.

I said, Okay.

But I really meant, "Whatever."

So we get in the car.

And the Sparrow goes ON and ON and ON about his butt being wet.

I asked him a whole litany of questions related to the source of this butt wetness.

I didn't get any realistic answers.

When we got home, I told the Sparrow to go take a bath.

He trots down to the bathroom, and starts the water, and takes his clothes off.

And then he screams.

"MOM! You have GOT to come SEE this!"

Here we freaking go again.

His wonderwears were full of poop.

Wet, runny diarrhea poop.

I asked him, "Did you have diarrhea today?"

He shrugged and said, "kinda."

I asked him if he told Miss Ashley he 'kinda' had diarrhea.

He said, "Nope."

I asked him why did he not tell Miss Ashley he 'kinda' had diarrhea.

He gave me the classic Captain Jake Sparrow shrug and sigh and said:

"I didn't want her to see my big, huge balls."

Huh?

"What?"

"I didn't want her to see my big, huge balls."

"Wait. Are we talking about the same kind of balls here?"

"Yes, Mom. You know, those big, huge balls, that dangle underneath my pee-pee? THOSE big, huge balls."

How do you stop laughing when your kid says this kind of stuff?

And how do you continue the conversation when you nearly diarrhea your own pants, you are laughing so hard?

"Jake, I don't understand what your big, huge balls have to do with the diarrhea?"

"MOM! The diarrhea was wet and it got all over my big, huge balls, and I couldn't wipe it off because my big, huge balls were in the way, and I didn't want Miss Ashley to see them, so I didn't tell her about it, I just told her my butt was wet. Geesh."

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

I got it.

That makes perfect sense.

Now how do I tell him that he in fact does NOT have big, huge balls?

~

Return

~
Sorry I've been gone for awhile.

Now that Grandpa is getting better, Two Swords has returned home, we have unpacked and figured out what time zone we are in, and the young Pirates have returned to school (thank you, GOD!), I can return to my regular routine.

Which means I will return to daily blogging.

And maybe I will finally finish posting the last 10 days of our vacation, so that the Texas Pirates will stop whining and get off my ass about "where are the Texas posts?". Actually, it isn't the Texas Pirates who are whining. It is one Texas Pirate in particular. That would be Black Jack Bentley. Your time will come Black Jack. Now settle down before I take some artistic license with my memories and my posts, and embellish a little bit, or even make stuff up. Because, well, I can.

Okay, now that I'm done apologizing and threatening.....here is my return to daily blogging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandpa is still in the hospital, but he continues to progress, and we are hopeful and prayerful that he will be able to return home soon.

For the past week, he has had some intestinal issues, and radical surgery was considered. But things started to, shall we say, 'move' on their own, so surgery became unnecessary. For a couple of nights while Two Swords was at Grandpa's side, and me and the kids were praying A LOT for Grandpa, we actually prayed the following prayer:

"Dear God, please help Grandpa poop. Amen."

The other night, Two Swords called Grandpa to ask how he was doing (just like he does every night).

For the first time, Captain Jake Sparrow asked if he could talk to Grandpa.

Two Swords asked Grandpa if he was up to talking to the Captain.

Grandpa said he was.

So The Sparrow gets on the phone.

Brace yourselves for this one.

"Hey Grandpa! How ya' doing man? Are you feeling better?"

"I'm doing all right Jake, how are you doing?"

"So Grandpa................... Mom tells me you FINALLY pooped!"

And Grandpa laughed.

It probably hurt a lot, but he laughed nonetheless.

~

Aunt Jodi

~
Last night, I had a Deacon's Meeting, and needed assistance with child care, since Two Swords is still in a galaxy far, far away.

My dearest friend Miss Karen (you know, the one who BLESSED me with the AMISH bread, and who absolutely did NOT return any of the pizazz items I forced her to buy?) gladfully watched the kids for me at her house during my 90 minute meeting.

I presented the pirates to Miss Karen and Mr. Bill (aka Red Plaid Shirt with No Hair), with a bag containing their somewhat healthy dinner (lunchables, Go-gurts, apples), and told her that she could give them whatever else she wanted to give them in terms of candy, ice cream, whatever.

Miss Karen is an excellent mother of a soon-to-be college student, and I trust her implicitly in every single area of my life, be it my checkbook, my computer, my home, my healthcare, my prayer needs, my children.

But I learned something about Miss Karen last night.

Miss Karen gave my children......

wait for it.............

at 730 pm.................

wait for it............................

two children who are already a bit insomniacal............................

wait for it.......................................................................................................

two children who are not at all hyperactive and bouncing off the walls crazy...............

wait for it.......................................................................................................................................

BROWN

SODA!

Yep.

The kind with sugar.

Oh yeah.

And with Caffeine.

And upon learning this, I channeled Kate Gosselin.

Just for a second.

Does this video ring a bell?

Yes, Miss Karen has become poor Aunt Jodi.

But I still love her.

And I think she still loves me.

Oh, and my kids DEFINITELY love her.

In fact, Reilly the Red loves Miss Karen/Aunt Jodi so much, that she walked to the end of Miss Karen/Aunt Jodi's driveway and said she would rather get hit by a car than have to go home with her MOTHER, aka Kate Gosselin.

~

Nuthin'

~
On the way home from church on Sunday morning, I asked Captain Jake Sparrow what he learned in Sunday School.

"Nuthin'."

Quite an unusual response, from my son who never has nuthin' to say.

But he volunteered the following:

"But I did hear Mr. Mark and Miss Carrie talking about Stinkin' Obama and the Democrats."

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. Really?"

"Yep."

"And what were they saying, Jake?"

"They were talking about the Democrats."

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Jake? Did you have anything to say?"

"Nope. I got nuthin' to say about no Stinkin' Democrats."

~

Not Me Monday!

We, as a family, have NOT had a very difficult, yet very miraculous week.

We, as a family, have NOT been praising God at every positive turn.

Yesterday, one of my dearest friends did NOT come to visit me and the children for a few hours.

This friend of mine is NOT very prayerful.

She is NOT an absolute spiritual inspiration to me.

And, NO, heaven's NO, she is absolutely NOT a pastor's wife.

That NOT being said......

Captain Jake Sparrow did NOT get a bit aggravated at a roll of paper towels whilst my friend was NOT here.

He did NOT say, (quite loudly),

"JESUS CHRIST!"

To which I did NOT look at him and HER in utter amazement!

I did NOT say to my friend, "Yeah, he has NEVER said other curse words before, but this one is definitely a first."

I did NOT ignore his utterance, in the hopes that it might NEVER return again.

NOT me.

NO way.

Did NOT happen.

~

Grandpa, and a Testimony of Faith

~
UPDATE:

Grandpa is going to be OKAY!

YAY!

Praise GOD!

I feel compelled to share a series of miracles with you that have transpired over the past one hundred days, as a testimony of faith to those of you family and friends, and those of you PERFECT strangers who have prayed for a man you have never met before in your life.

As Billy and I received the word of Grandpa's accident, of course we were mortified, and horrified and scared to death and a thousand miles away, and oh-my-God- what is going to happen next, and please, please, please let him be okay.

And as Billy took a few minutes to breathe and regroup and silently pray and ponder for his father, I did the same.

But instead of valleys, I was seeing peaks.

Instead of tragedy, I saw miracle after miracle after miracle, even as Grandpa was being airlifted, condition, status, injuries, prognosis - UNKNOWN to man, KNOWN only to God.

This man was on his riding lawnmower/tractor, crossing a two lane highway, when he was struck on his entire left side by a pickup truck going 40+ mph, the tractor then spun in 360 degree circles who knows how many times, and then he was LAUNCHED who knows how many feet, thanks to inertia and gravity, landing UNDERNEATH a guardrail halfway down the highway.

Miracle #1 - he survived. Need I say more? Oh wait. Did I mention he is SEVENTY-TWO years old?

Miracle #2 - Thank God we just got to spend 12 days with him. Thank you God for those 12 days, even if Jake and Reilly and Billy and Heather drove him absolutely nuts, thank you God for that time.

Miracle #3 - Thank God this horrific accident didn't happen while we were in the Grand Canyon with no cell phone service for days. Coincidence? Not hardly.

Miracle #4 - Thank God that MY HUSBAND STILL DOES NOT HAVE A JOB AFTER A YEAR. How can I possibly thank God for this, you ask? Because it is true. I am so thankful my husband does not have a job right now, so that he was able to take off at a moment's notice, be by his father's side, be with his family, fill whatever need he was meant to fill, and not have to worry or fret about anything else. God has His own watch, with His own set of timing, and it is not for us to question. There is always a reason. Sometimes He lets us know what it is, and sometimes He doesn't. This time, it was made crystal clear to me.

Miracle #5 - have I mentioned lately that about one hundred days ago it was inferred to me that I was potentially dying of lymphoma, and now suddenly I am NOT?

Miracle #6- Today, not only is Grandpa ALIVE, and PROGRESSING, and COMMUNICATING with his family, but TODAY, Grandpa is begging for chewing tobacco.

Don't tell ME there is no God.

He is there.

You just aren't seeing HIM.

You call them COINCIDENCES.

I call them God Sightings.

He is everywhere.

Just open your eyes.

See?

There He is.

To God be the Glory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Please pray for our Grandpa.




He was in a really bad accident yesterday, and he needs lots and lots of prayers.

He was on his riding lawn mower and he got hit by a pickup truck.

We love him a lot and want him to get better soon.

Captain Jake Sparrow and Reilly the Red

Day Twenty Eight - The Splendor

Day Twenty Eight - Junior Rangers

~
Another big journey awaits us this morning.

We spent the night here,

at the Grand Canyon Railway Hotel.

Before our grand adventure was about to begin, we were invited to a Wild, West, show.




Horses!



Outlaw Cowboys!




And even cuter Outlaw Cowboys (Miss Merrimiff, you are welcome.....)



Well, heckfire we sure did get us one heck of a heckfire Wild West Show.

There was even a real, live, SHOOTOUT!



Poor Paco.

He even lost his hat on the way down.



And what would a Wild West Show with horses be without a Wild West Show with ....



HORSE.......



POOP.............................?



After the awesome Wild, West, Show, we boarded our...................



Grand Canyon Railway for the 2 1/2 hour train trip up to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon.

It was a beautiful ride, stress-free, relaxing ride.

Do you see any stress on that face?

NOT ME!








In fact, when we pulled into the hotel, and Jake saw this:


he begged and pleaded and cajoled and entreated that he be allowed to take a train ride.

We told him we didn't think we could make that happen, for a whole bunch of reasons (even though tickets for the afore-mentioned train ride had already been purchased).

Besides, we all know that little boys just LOVVVVVE trains.

And this guy, well this guy, is wondering if there are going to be anymore wild west cowboys or train robberies or stuff.

So when he actually got to BOARD the train, he was pretty thankful and giving lots of hugs of gratification.


And the Sparrow behaved himself quite nicely on the train ride.


Upon arrival at the South Rim at Grand Canyon National Park, the Pirates enrolled in the Junior Ranger program.

They were required to walk about the park, using all of their senses to really see what different ecosystems live within the National Parks, as well as why we have National Parks at all.


Here is Two Swords helping the scallywags with their Ranger homework:


And here is Two Swords basking in the beautiful canyonesque splendor.





After finally capturing enough data to qualify for the Junior Ranger Program, we turned in our homework, said a few oaths, and received gold Junior Ranger badges and cool Junior Ranger patches, all specific to the Grand Canyon. (In the meantime, Mom and Dad were a bit miffed that we didn't learn about the Junior Ranger program at the St. Louis Arch or at Zion National Park, but we have let it go.)


So here they are with their badges, and of course, with their blue gatorade and susbsequent side effects:







Since Reilly's tongue and lips didn't turn nearly as blue as Jake's did, she asked us to take a picture of her teeth, "just in case they were blue." They really weren't, and yeah, this is kinda gross, but this was her request so I can't get in any trouble later for slathering it all over the blog.




The splendor awaits.

~

Not Me Monday!

~

We are NOT the most prayerful family in the world.

No, really, we are NOT.

We do NOT attend church most Sundays.

We do NOT attempt to glorify God the best that we can each and every day,

and we do NOT fail miserably each and every day.

During our last nighttime prayer circle, each family member did NOT say what they were NOT thankful for, and did NOT ask for prayer for a special area of need in their lives.

When it was Captain Jake Sparrow's turn to say what he was NOT thankful for,

he

did

NOT

"Thank you God for that horse poop we saw in Texas 'cuz it really was disgusting."

Amen.

NOT!

~

Day Twenty Seven - Ralph and the Air Rifle

~

Alas, we said goodbye to the Nevada pirates and trudged Eastward.

Reilly the Red cried for several hours about how much she missed Roxy and Hurley.

We thought about stopping and doing the "Real Damn Tour", but decided against it.

We'd had enough of that Damn stuff.

Next stop: Williams, Arizona.



Arizona is awesome.

Did you know that in Arizona you can just walk around the streets, or Walmart, or BP, or Starbucks with your guns?

Like this guy?


So cool.

I can just see myself going to the bank, pulling a 9mm out of my purse whilst digging for a pen to endorse a check, and like, nobody freaking out.

Since, you know, everybody has guns, so it's no big deal if a teeny, tiny (and I stress the words TEENY, TINY) stay-at-home-mom whipped out a 9 mm at the bank. Probly happens at least one a day, I'm guessing.

So all this gun talk led to Captain Jake Sparrow gun talk.

You knew it was coming.

He wants a gun.

A real gun.

Not a nerf gun.

One that shoots real bullets.

A big gun.

Not a little gun.

He was very specific with the specifications.

We stalled his demands for a bit while we supped at the following:


Yes, my friends, you are seeing that sign correctly.

Pancho McGillicudy's.

We love Mexican food, we're Irish, and one of Reilly the Red's 'other' nicknames is Gertrude McGillicuddy.

So of course we had to try this place out.

Heckfire, we'd never been to a Tex-Irish restaurant before!

Lo and behold, it was a famous establishment, if not infamous.

The movie "Midnight Run" was filmed at this very same locale.

And the food was OUTSTANDING.

After dinner, we planned to take a walk about the 'town', and maybe, just maybe, purchase a 'real big' gun for the Captain. (against his mother's best judgment, but I don't have a say in the matters of guns and go-karts, only algebra and the birds and the bees).

But, of course, the Captain made it so very easy for us.

Instead of sitting properly at the table and eating his dinner like expected, knowing full well what his consequence would be if he acted inappropriately, his behavior entailed turning himself upside down in his seat so that his feet were on the table, his butt was in the air, and his head was near the floor where his feet were supposed to be.

NO GUN FOR YOU! said the Gun Nazi.

Not only did he not get a gun, but he had to be 'stuck' with Mom back at the hotel room, while Reilly the Red and Two Swords explored the town.

Two Swords said he could hear his wailing for blocks.

It went something like this:

"WHY............(sob, sniff, sob).....do........I.................always have to have ...........CONSEQUENCES?"

I think you've read that line somewhere before.

About an hour later, Two Swords and the Red showed up back at the hotel room.

Bearing a gun.

Sigh.

An air rifle gun.

Sigh.

With these air rifle bullet thingies.

I have no idea how else to describe it, other than, it was a nerf rifle without the nerf?

And of course I didn't take a picture of it, because, well, I suck.

And because, well, I got sick.

Horribly, horribly, almost having to think about going to a hospital that I'm sure doesn't exist in Williams, Arizona, sick.

I thought it was just me. (it probably was).

But then Two Swords got sick too.

Maybe Pancho's wasn't outstanding?

Maybe it was a coincidence?

Who knows.

We recovered.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you what Reilly got when she went traipsing about 'town'.

A pocketknife.

Yep.

Something she can, you know, take to school.

Or carve initials into her hands with.

She told me it even had her name on it.

I said, "Really"? Because it is REALLY hard to find things with REILLY spelled on them the weird way that we chose to spell our daughter's name, as we were forewarned by many, but chose to ignore their advice, only to discover that our daughter would give up trying to locate a pocketknife with her name engraved on it to settle for the following:






I said, "Ralph?"

She shrugged, and said, "Yeah, it was pretty close, and besides sometimes Daddy calls me that."

Since when?

Since like you were in the store looking for pocketknives with your name on them????

Needless to say, I felt pretty safe in our room in Williams, Arizona not just because of signs like this:






but, because now, in addition to handcuffs, and Incredible Hulk masks and fighting gloves, and large quantities of prescription narcotics, and a room full of pirates, we now had knives and guns.

Yeah, baby.

Day Twenty Six - Las Vegas Lizard Lounging

~

This is what happens on the day after the Damn Tour:



Mermaidelicious and LoriLongstocking snuggling about with Hurley and the Captain.

Please notice Aunt Lori's affinity for a super soft Lightning McQueen blanket.

At least now I know what to get her for Christmas.



More Lizard Lounging.

Please notice that the only reason Two-Fisted Chris is working in the background is because all seats were taken on his super comfy couch from heaven.



Black Jack Bentley (during a rare moment of non-ADD repose), enjoying time with Red.

Where is Two Swords?

Taking the pictures.

Where am I?

No, not sleeping. Hahahaha.

Doing approximately SIXTEEN THOUSAND loads of laundry, in preparation for packing for the next day's departure.

The Sparrow eventually got bored of Las Vegas Lizard Lounging, and headed to Two-Fisted Chris' very extensive library for a book that was more on his level.




Yeah, well that didn't last very long. Not many pictures of ninjas or monster trucks or blood or pirates or skulls..


So he decided to squat.

And I don't mean, like squat, to PEE.

I mean he became a squatter.

A dog pen squatter.













And no, dear readers, we did NOT put Jake in a dog pen.

No, we did NOT.

He put HIMSELF in a dog pen.

We merely photographed the act.

Oh, and the scratch on his eye remains from his go-kart rear end collision.

Just so you know.............

The only individuals who really suffered (if you can even think such a thing), were Roxy and Hurley, who were ousted from their 'home' by the Dog Pen Squatter.




And don't they just look like their life realllllly sucks?


Goodnight Hurley.

Goodnight Roxy.

Goodbye Texas Pirates.

Goodbye Vegas Pirates.

Goodbye Nevada.....................