I Don't Like You ANYmore!

~

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

The lazy, hazy days of summer.

And trying to keep Reilly the Red, Captain Jake Sparrow, Nautical Nathan, One-Eyed Fred (post for another day), and myself, from going insane, and from incurring injuries that might require hospitalization, although that AFLAC duck is always quacking in the back of my mind......

Yesterday was a challenge.

And yes, I have been a mother for quite some time now. (whether or not I am a good mother or a bad mother remains to be seen).

And yes, I have a degree in psychology (with an emphasis in CHILD psychology).

But no, I have never spent a summer with my children that involved unstructured time.

And no, I have never spent a summer vacation with my children that involved unstructured time WHILST undergoing an Extreme Fallon Home Makeover Edition such as this.

Particularly since naps are out of the question seeing as how the noise from air compressors and nail guns and table saws and the like.

So when I say Captain Jake Sparrow had had enough, I REALLY mean it.

After supper, around 6:30, the Captain asked me if he could have some fruit snacks. I told him "No."

He got mad.

I gave him a reason - he had already consumed about eleventy thousand popsicles, and had not eaten all of his supper, AND, no, we do NOT have dessert or after dinner snacks every night, and YES it was my final answer.

He screamed at me, (which is HIGHLY unusual, because he really is a Mama's Boy):

"I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE!"

And then he crossed his hands over his chest, and put out the grouper lip.

I told him to go his room and shut the door.

The meltdown intensified as he headed towards his room.

He opened the under cabinet kitchen trash door, then slammed it shut, on the way to this bedroom.

I came after him into his room, and gave him a Pow-pow (Piratese for spanking).

Then he REALLY got mad.

I shut his bedroom door, and as soon as I started to walk away, his screaming and crying intensified, and he began heaving and tossing all of his toys, shotput style, across his bedroom.

As I opened the door, a three-foot long tractor trailer was headed towards my face.

I ducked. (Dammit! AFLAC cash opportunity! What the hell was I thinking! Quack Quack)

Upon re-entering the Captain's room, he knew he was in for it big-time. It was only 630 pm. His newest punishment meant he had to stay in his room ('All by mySELF????') for the rest of the night. End of story. No more discussion.

I left his room to finish cleaning up the disaster from cooking supper.

When I checked in on him about 15 minutes later, he was doing a puzzle of the USA. I told him that was a great idea, and when he finished, we could talk about all the states we are going to travel to this summer.

He looked at me and said, "Mama?"

I said, "Yes?"

He said, "I like you again."

Okay, maybe I am a good mother.

Don't worry, my head won't get too big.

I'll screw up today big time, I'm sure.

~

Year Round Schools

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Today is day three of summer vacation.

My kids have never had a 'summer' vacation.

Since Two Swords' and I always worked, the kids were always in a structured preschool environment, even in the summers.

Day three.

I am running out of ideas to keep them busy.

And I have don't have the money to 'take' them everywhere they want to go.

For two days, we did pretty good.

They played outside A LOT!, they swam, they helped with construction, they had Nautical Nathan to distract them, they were not allowed to watch any television, or play with electronics of any kind....

For two days, I had great hope for the remainder of June, until we take our big 'trip', and then I wouldn't have to worry about keeping them entertained.

I give up.

I hereby announce my wholehearted support for year-round schools.

In the meantime, I'm letting them lay around and watch movies today.

Just because.

I'll make them go outside again tomorrow.

~

Perfect Parenting

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We are very proactive and protective related to what our children are allowed to watch on television.

Mostly, we watch things TOGETHER, as a family. Monster trucks, football, Rolandoh Magic, American Idol, Wipeout, O'Reilly Factor (swear!), Food Network, and HGTV.

We do enjoy watching movies on the weekends, and absolutely LOVE Netflix.

If Two Swords and I want to watch a 'grown-up' movie, we wait until the kids are in bed, or we allow the kids to watch a 'kid' movie in the den while we watch our movie in the living room.

That is how it works in THIS family.

Recently, we rented the movie "Taken". Wow. Awesome movie. Lots of violence, but the message is so powerful.

When Two Swords and I read the description, we thought that it might be a movie that Reilly could handle, given the ultimate message. Believe it or not, we were right. She and the Captain sat riveted during the whole movie, were not scared or freaked out, and we had discussions after the movie was over as to some choices certain people (a 17 year old girl in particular) could have made to avert the disaster that was about to befall her.

So lots of parents would probably question our choice, but ultimately it worked out, and my daughter has a visual example of what happens when you lie to your parents and talk to strangers.

That being said....

Today, Captain Jake Sparrow asked Nathan (our 12 year old summer vacation 'helper') if he had seen the movie "TOOK-EN".

Nathan: "No."

Reilly the Red: "He means TAKEN. The movie TAKEN. About the girl who is TAKEN."

Nathan replied, "No, but I've heard about it."

Captain: "Oh my gosh! It is so AWESOME! There's this girl, and she gets KEEDnapped, and her dad comes to save her life and he KEELS like a million bad guys and he is such a BADASS!"

Nathan: "Um, Jake? Are you sure you should be saying that word?"

Captain: "What, Awesome?"

Nathan: "Um, no, that other word?

Captain: "What word?"

Reilly the Red interjects: "Nathan, if you're talking about BADASS, then yeah, it's okay for him to say it because my Mom taught it to him."

True.

So true.

~

saHm I am NOT

~

Allegedly, one could call me a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). I would like to offer the following summary of my Monday, and you tell me what part of STAY-AT-HOME applies to my life.

8:00 am - woke up. Give me a break, I was up til 1230am, no thanks to the stupid LA Lakers.

8:15 am - posted my Not Me Monday blog

8:30 am - greeted Mr. Pete and Nathan in my pajamas as they arrived to 'help' with the renovation

8:45 am - fed the children

9:00 am - greeted Mr. Bill in my pajamas (don't worry Miss Karen, I wasn't wearing a teddy - they were very 'modest' pajamas) as he arrived to 'help' with the renovation.

9:15 am - 10:30 am - received and complied with all of Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' barking orders related to the renovation and the children's part in said renovation.

10:35 am - finally got dressed

10:40 am - overheard Mr. Bill tell Captain Jake Sparrow and Reilly the Red to 'be careful around that nail rifle', to which I responded, "Oh no, Mr. Bill! They can play with the air rifle! It's okay! We have insurance! And AFLAC! PLEASE let them play with the air rifle!"

10:45 am - left with Reilly the Red to go to our church to volunteer at the food pantry

11:00 am - arrived at church to discover that there were 'too many' volunteers and our services weren't needed. How often does THAT happen?

11:15 am - went with Reilly to meet Miss Karen at Kohl's to help her select some 'pizazz' items for her wardrobe for her new awesome job that starts tomorrow.

11:25 am - argued with Miss Karen related to her refusal to add 'pizazz'

12:20 pm - FORCED Miss Karen to purchase certain 'pizazz' related items that she will ultimately return behind my back.

12:25 pm - told Reilly the Red she could have two pair of sneakers, since they were BOGO.

12:30 pm - get to the register, only to discover the shoes were NOT BOGO.

12:31 pm - endured a hysterically crying child in the parking lot begging for the THIRTY-FOUR dollar shoes that she couldn't understand why she wasn't getting them.

12:35 pm - successfully negotiated a settlement with Reilly the Red - if she coughed up TWENTY dollars of her own money, I had a SEVEN dollar gift card, and I would pay for the remainder.

12:36 pm - we have a deal

12:42 pm - we have the shoes and are back in the car

12:48 pm - at the bank getting moolah to pay all of our 'helpers'

12:52 pm - at McDonalds, getting dollar value McDoubles for all of our 'helpers'

1:00 pm - eating a McDouble whilst standing at my kitchen counter, staring at all the dust that I just removed from my home not less than 12 hours prior. Sigh

1:15 pm - told Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords that NO there was NO way in HELL I was going to Lowe's in HIS pickup truck to buy 40 2x4x8's.

1:20 pm - told him AGAIN that I was NOT going. No way. I am NOT a man. I do NOT know anything about wood (well, some kinds of wood I do, but I digress), drywall, plumbing, electrical, NOTHING.

1:22 pm - still arguing with Two Swords. Now trying the argument that I don't do car repairs and he doesn't do taxes, and I don't do Lowe's and he doesn't do menstruation discussions.

1:35 pm - get in Two Swords' truck and head to Lowe's. Dammit.

1:50 pm - go to the Commercial Desk at Lowe's to order the lumber.

1:51 pm - they ask me if I know what I want. Like a bank robber, a slip them a little piece of paper with the following item written on it, 40 - 2" x 4" x 8'

1:52 pm - they tell me they will have it ready in 15 minutes.

2:35 pm - still standing around staring at drywall and gypsum and wondering why all the signs also have Spanish translations?

2:52 pm - back in Two Swords' truck and headed home. Ugh.

3:15 pm - successfully BACK into the BACKYARD with the pickup truck for the lumber to be unloaded

3:20 pm - get back in MY car and head to Publix

3:35 pm - purchase milk, Klondike bars, bananas, dog food, paper towels and toilet paper.

3:40 pm - fill up my tank with gas.

3:45 pm - return home (oh to be a stay at HOME Mom).....

3:48 pm - notice another 2 inches of dust all over my house. Sigh.

3:49 pm - hear Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' exclaim "SHE GOT THE WRONG FREAKING SIZE WOOD! THIS IS NOT 8' LONG! IT IS 7' 8/9" long! DAMMIT"

3:50 pm - break the vow of submission I made on our wedding day and went into the construction site to defend myself, and my right to NEVER again go to LOWE's or HOME DEPOT for ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

3:57 pm - Reilly the Red comes in the house from the pool, screaming and crying her head off. I ask her what is wrong, and she SCREAMS, "There's a frog in the pool and Nathan pushed me in the pool and I got near the frog and it scared me because I hate frogs because they are scary." Since this is the child that learned to surf in a shark-infested OCEAN last summer, and baits her own fishing hook with SHRIMP, and rides UPSIDE DOWN roller coasters, I told her to shut her piehole and go back outside.

3:58 pm - Becoming a STAY at HOME Mom for the rest of the day.

3:59 pm - Hearing Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' relentless cussing about the wrong sized "wood"

4:01 pm - Considering taking my Ambien in about 3 minutes.

Not Me Monday courtesy of MckMama!

I, (We), are NOT unemployed.

I, (We), have NOT been unemployed for a year.

I did NOT instigate my husband to begin a major master bedroom suite renovation despite the fact that we are UNemployed, and Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman and Clark Howard would NOT have a field day with the choices I am NOT making in how to NOT spend our life savings/retirement in this time of economic UNcertainty.

Nope.

Not me.

Whilst trying to 'help' my husband, I did NOT......

..........break..........

..................into...........

..........................a..............

...............................thousand................

.......................................pieces....................

a VERY expensive double sink,

MARBLE

countertop.

Nope.

Not me.

And UNfortunately, I can NOT blame Captain Jake Sparrow, NO matter how much I would like to.

He was NOT within four miles of the house at the time that the marble crumbling did NOT take place.

Nope.

~

Carb Smart

~

The Captain and I are spending a quiet Sunday evening together.

Two Swords and the Red are off at a neighboring event eating oysters.

So the Captain was kinda 'bent' about not getting to go, but he doesn't like oysters, and Two Swords needed a break from him.

In an effort to appease the Captain, I allowed him to pick whatever dessert choice he would like, since he ate quite a good supper.

He went to the freezer, and picked out a 'Carb Smart' ice cream bar.

I said, "Are you sure that's what you want?"

Captain: "Yep."

I said, "Are you SURE? Because you only get one choice, you know..."

Captain: "Yeah, Mom. They taste good, and they are good for me, because they make my heart stop beeping."

Me: "Really? They make your heart STOP beeping?"

Captain: "Yep. That's what the commercial says."

~

Crying

~

Yeah, you've already heard my diatribe on 'there's no crying in this house'.

Let me rewind a bit.

Reilly the Red has senioritis. At six. She can't wait for summer to be here.

So she can stay up late.

And sleep in.

That's what SHE says.

She has been counting down the days until school is out. There are THREE left.

On the other hand, we have the Captain.

He is madder than hell that he is not going to school this summer.

He insists that his preschool will shut down without his presence.

"But, but, but, Mom? WHAT will they do without me?"

Two Swords and I have thought this was quite funny, as the Captain isn't the greatest student, if you know what I mean, but he is definitely a social animal.

And when we told them about our grandiose summer plans (to be disclosed in a later post), the Captain still wasn't sold.

So we've been going through this "I can't WAIT for school to be out, WOOHOO!", to "Waaaaaa, I WANT to go to school."

Not really sure what was going on in the universe last night, but both kids were BAWLING their eyes out that school was almost over.

Reilly the Red was crying and sobbing and slobbering about how much she is going to miss Mrs. B.

That she is the BEST teacher she has ever had (ummm, yeah she's great and all, but she is only the SECOND teacher you've ever had, kiddo).

Reilly even went so far as to say that she wanted us to FAIL her, so she would get Mrs. B. again.

We casually reminded her that she had the highest grade in her class, that even though she has three more days of school left, she has already been promoted to second grade, and too bad so sad, it is time to move on and move up.

The sobbing and slobbering went ON and ON and ON and ON.

We even told her that she would still see Mrs B. every single day, that she could visit her before she went to her 'new' classroom, that she could email her, or write her letters.

"But it won't be the SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMME!"

And then the Captain started.

Same exact story.

Same tears.

Same "What will Miss W. do without ME?"

"I am going to MISSSSSSSSSSSSS her!"

This went on for about two hours.

I have to say, my children have been very blessed with the most loving, generous, gifted, teachers. We couldn't have asked for better educators for our babies.

But I don't know about all this CRYING nonsense.

I know what all of you are going to say....

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

That's so sweet!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Well here's my rebuttal:

Enough crying already!

~

Nonsense

~

This morning, before Reilly the Red left for her FOURTH last day of school, she watched a little bit of Fox News with Billy Two Swords.

There was a story about a certain public school banning children from reading the bible on the school's premises.

When Reilly heard this she exclaimed, "Daddy! There is no such sense of that!"

Billy Two Swords replied, "I know."

Reilly: "That's dumb. Why wouldn't they let kids read the Bible? It's God's book!"

Two Swords sighed loudly, but smiled at how proud of her he was.

~

Not Me Monday! courtesy of MckMama

In my pre-blogging life, I did NOT spend 20 years as a construction cost accountant.

I was NOT responsible for the management of HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of dollars.

I NEVER spent hours upon hours upon days upon days searching for, say, TEN CENTS, in order for my reports to balance.

I was NOT so loud and so fast and so ASTOUNDING TO WATCH on a 10-key adding machine that I was NOT given the moniker, "Fast Fingers Fallon".

Nope.

Not Me.

No Way.

Today, at the bank, I absolutely did NOT make a TWO DOLLAR error on a bank deposit totaling $158.32.

That would NEVER happen.

And since I did NOT make such an error, I would NOT have asked the teller to "COUNT IT AGAIN."

Buffoonery, I say.

Buffoonery.

NEVER happened.

NOT to me.

NOT today.
~

Sammy and the Spiderman Pirate?

~

Here are some pics of Captain Jake Sparrow visiting his favorite cousin Sammy in the hospital recently.

Sammy has recovered quite nicely and the two of them enjoyed their visit.








After our nice visit, and sporting a very fancy Faux-Hawk....

The Captain spotted a pirate ship on the playground at the Children's Hospital.....

Why does it always come back to piracy in this family?

~