~
So.
At 1:03 AM this morning, Jake woke me up.
To ask me:
"Mom. What is an antibiotic?"
Yes.
He did.
And because I continue to encourage learning and made a solemn promise to myself that I would always answer their questions using age-appropriate language, I rubbed my eyes, knocked on my noggin, and tried to answer his question.
I wasn't doing a very good job, because he wouldn't stop interrupting me with even MORE questions...
(ASIDE....to all of Jake's former, current, and future educators.....I AM SOOOO SOOOOOO VERRRRY SORRRRY!!!!)
(ASIDE #2......to the person who called us The Family of Interruptors....KUDOS)
So I switched metaphors and decided to use the metaphor of vaccinations.
I got his attention, because he's not a fan of .... SHOTS.
But he IS a fan of history! It's become his favorite subject in school, he loves watching documentaries, and he has begun to reference Revolutionary War, Civil War, WWII, and Vietnam battles by name. And he's become quite the expert on the 13 Hours of Benghazi. Loves learning about "almost all" of the Presidents....
So I decided to use the Polio Vaccine as an example.
I asked him if he knew of anybody famous who had Polio.
He excitedly exclaimed, "YEAH! FDR!"
Correct.
I then told him about Dr. Jonas Salk.
"His name was SOCK, Mom?"
"No, SALK. Like WALK, TALK...."
I try to move on. Since it's 1:13 AM.
I think I did a respectable job,
Until he started screaming. Yes, my lamb wa screaming. At 1:17 AM.
MOMMMMM!!!!!
YOU told DOCTOR JILL that it was OKAY to GIVVVVE ME
POLLLLLL EEEEEEEE OHHHHHHH????
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????
Sigh.
If only he knew I "told" Doctor Jill to give him Measles, Mumps, Rubella, Diptheria, Whooping Cough, yearly doses of Influenza.....
I'll keep that little tidbit for another day.
Because, I am 100% confident that day will come.
~
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Friday, July 1, 2016
Arby's
~
So.
I got takeout from the brand new Arby's in Clermont tonight. WOOT WOOT!!! This town has been chomping at the bit for it to finally open!
Before I left, Jake said, "You know what I want, right?"
Me: Yes. A plain Roast Beef sandwich with Curly Fries.
Jake: Ok and NO ONIONS!
Me: Dude, it's NOT McDonalds. They don't have burgers. Just roast beef, chicken, and turkey sandwiches.
I left in the pouring Florida rain.
12 cars in line in front of me, 12 cars behind.
Got home in a much heavier rainstorm, dripping wet.
I got Jake's food ready for him, and allowed him to eat in front of the TV because it's Few Rules Friday and he "worked" so hard today, "helping" fix the roof by jumping off of it into the pool.
Whatevs.
He takes one bite of his plain Classic Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich and yells:
THIS IS NOTTTTT ROAST PULLED BEEF PORK!
Me: ??????????
Jerk, I mean JAKE: I WANTED that pulled roast beef pork sandwich with BBQ sauce on it that Dad makes!
Me: Did you want beef OR pork? Cuz they don't have pulled pork. Only deliciously sinful synthetic beef.
Jake: I THOUGHT you HEARD me CORRECTLY when you left! THIS is not roast pulled beef pork!
Me: You are correct. Beef comes from a cow, pork comes from a pig and Arby's comes from a laboratory.
JerkyJake: I don't want anything from there EVER again!
Me: Fine by me.
Jake: Except their roast beef curly fries. I DO like those.
??????????????????????
~
So.
I got takeout from the brand new Arby's in Clermont tonight. WOOT WOOT!!! This town has been chomping at the bit for it to finally open!
Before I left, Jake said, "You know what I want, right?"
Me: Yes. A plain Roast Beef sandwich with Curly Fries.
Jake: Ok and NO ONIONS!
Me: Dude, it's NOT McDonalds. They don't have burgers. Just roast beef, chicken, and turkey sandwiches.
I left in the pouring Florida rain.
12 cars in line in front of me, 12 cars behind.
Got home in a much heavier rainstorm, dripping wet.
I got Jake's food ready for him, and allowed him to eat in front of the TV because it's Few Rules Friday and he "worked" so hard today, "helping" fix the roof by jumping off of it into the pool.
Whatevs.
He takes one bite of his plain Classic Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich and yells:
THIS IS NOTTTTT ROAST PULLED BEEF PORK!
Me: ??????????
Jerk, I mean JAKE: I WANTED that pulled roast beef pork sandwich with BBQ sauce on it that Dad makes!
Me: Did you want beef OR pork? Cuz they don't have pulled pork. Only deliciously sinful synthetic beef.
Jake: I THOUGHT you HEARD me CORRECTLY when you left! THIS is not roast pulled beef pork!
Me: You are correct. Beef comes from a cow, pork comes from a pig and Arby's comes from a laboratory.
JerkyJake: I don't want anything from there EVER again!
Me: Fine by me.
Jake: Except their roast beef curly fries. I DO like those.
??????????????????????
~
Silly String
~
So.
Team Fallon has a tradition of whipping out Silly String on birthdays and special occasions. Reilly's 14th birthday party on the lake was no exception. When I handed over a case of Silly String to a few of the boys and said "Have at it, everyone's fair game, but you HAVE to get Reilly FIRST." They looked at me in open-mouthed shock, thinking I was either the craziest or the coolest Mom in the universe or a bit of both, until I nudged my head to where Reilly was standing, and then the 2016 Silly String War was ON! It was, as always, AWE-SOME, DUDES.
Unbelievably, a few cans of Silly String remained long after the party was over.
Fast forward 4 days and 15 minutes ago.
All I heard was a high pitched vampire-like scream, and a Ferocious Fourteen year old lowering the vampire voice to that of a wolverine as she bellowed, "YOU LITTLE Bxxxx!!!!!", followed by the slamming of the front door.
Whence Ferocious Fallon reentered the domicile, I asked in a normal tone of voice,
"Lemme guess. Jake came in the house and sprayed you with Silly String?"
Ferocious: YEAH! And, he did it IN THE HOUSE!
Wise, wise Mom: Hmmmmmm. And he was unprovoked?
Ferocious: Well....
Wise, wise Mom: (waiting ever so patiently)
Ferocious: I sprayed him first.......but I did it OUTSIDE!!!! I would NEVER do it in the house, MOM!
Wise, wise Mom hath decided to call this one a draw. Even though Reilly started it, and used an expletive and should be punished, and Jake should be punished for spraying Silly String in da house... I'm silently exploding with glee inside that Jake is FINALLY fighting back at the 8 or so years of bullying he hath endured at the hands of Ferocious.
Yeah, I'm a A Bad Mom. A Real Bad Mom.
~
So.
Team Fallon has a tradition of whipping out Silly String on birthdays and special occasions. Reilly's 14th birthday party on the lake was no exception. When I handed over a case of Silly String to a few of the boys and said "Have at it, everyone's fair game, but you HAVE to get Reilly FIRST." They looked at me in open-mouthed shock, thinking I was either the craziest or the coolest Mom in the universe or a bit of both, until I nudged my head to where Reilly was standing, and then the 2016 Silly String War was ON! It was, as always, AWE-SOME, DUDES.
Unbelievably, a few cans of Silly String remained long after the party was over.
Fast forward 4 days and 15 minutes ago.
All I heard was a high pitched vampire-like scream, and a Ferocious Fourteen year old lowering the vampire voice to that of a wolverine as she bellowed, "YOU LITTLE Bxxxx!!!!!", followed by the slamming of the front door.
Whence Ferocious Fallon reentered the domicile, I asked in a normal tone of voice,
"Lemme guess. Jake came in the house and sprayed you with Silly String?"
Ferocious: YEAH! And, he did it IN THE HOUSE!
Wise, wise Mom: Hmmmmmm. And he was unprovoked?
Ferocious: Well....
Wise, wise Mom: (waiting ever so patiently)
Ferocious: I sprayed him first.......but I did it OUTSIDE!!!! I would NEVER do it in the house, MOM!
Wise, wise Mom hath decided to call this one a draw. Even though Reilly started it, and used an expletive and should be punished, and Jake should be punished for spraying Silly String in da house... I'm silently exploding with glee inside that Jake is FINALLY fighting back at the 8 or so years of bullying he hath endured at the hands of Ferocious.
Yeah, I'm a A Bad Mom. A Real Bad Mom.
~
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
The Hangover
~
So.
Several months ago, we were treated to a visit from our St. Louis peeps, Aunt Debbie and Uncle Kelly. We visited them back in 2009 during our 'round the world in 40 days BIG TRIP', (Revisit them in Tending Bar and Motorcade ).
Anyhoo, we headed out for lunch at a Bubba's Catfish House here in Clermont. YUMMMM-O.
All of us were hankering for some seafood.
Except, of course.....
The Tweenager formerly known as Captain Jake Sparrow.
Let's just call him JAKE for now.
He doesn't like seafood. Actually, he DOES like seafood, he just THINKS he doesn't. Does this mentality ring a bell? Yeah, he's still the Captain.
So we talked him into ordering some popcorn shrimp and mac n cheese. He liked the sound of popcorn shrimp because he eats several bags of popcorn EVERY SINGLE DAY.
We chit chat for awhile, munch on some conch fritters, Jake becomes the center of attention, because, well, he's like the sun in his own galaxy. He doesn't do it on purpose. It just IS.
Food arrives. And it was just as YUMMMMO as expected.
Big Bad Dad and I are curious to see what Jake thinks of the popcorn shrimp.
He took one of the shrimp, and DOUSED it in cocktail sauce, then put it in his mouth.
I knew that "Somethin' Bad About Ta Happen", because I KNEW that he THOUGHT that he was dousing his shrimp in....KETCHUP.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He took one big bite, and his eyes popped out of his head, Muppet-style, he coughed, he gulped some water, his eyes were blinking, he swallowed, and he said:
"What the HECK kind of KETCHUP is THIS?"
I think it was Reilly who said, "Dude, it's not ketchup. It's cocktail sauce."
Oh buoy.
And then the drama started.
"Whoa."
"I'm not feeling so good."
"I think I'm drunk,"
"Dad, is this what it feels like when you drink a lot of beers?"
"Whew."
"OH WOW."
"I'm hammered."
"I think I have a hangover."
We all let this go on for several minutes, as the word 'cocktail' caused the hypochondria that was nothing but ketchup + horseradish in Jake's mouth.
Finally, Uncle Kelly had to end it. I was kinda sad, cuz this was wayyyyyy too funny to end.
Uncle Kelly: "Jake, do you know what the word 'cocktail' means?"
Drunk Jake: "Beer."
Uncle Kelly: "No. It means a 'mixture' of things."
Drunk Jake: "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it means I'm drunk and I have a hangover."
~
So.
Several months ago, we were treated to a visit from our St. Louis peeps, Aunt Debbie and Uncle Kelly. We visited them back in 2009 during our 'round the world in 40 days BIG TRIP', (Revisit them in Tending Bar and Motorcade ).
Anyhoo, we headed out for lunch at a Bubba's Catfish House here in Clermont. YUMMMM-O.
All of us were hankering for some seafood.
Except, of course.....
The Tweenager formerly known as Captain Jake Sparrow.
Let's just call him JAKE for now.
He doesn't like seafood. Actually, he DOES like seafood, he just THINKS he doesn't. Does this mentality ring a bell? Yeah, he's still the Captain.
So we talked him into ordering some popcorn shrimp and mac n cheese. He liked the sound of popcorn shrimp because he eats several bags of popcorn EVERY SINGLE DAY.
We chit chat for awhile, munch on some conch fritters, Jake becomes the center of attention, because, well, he's like the sun in his own galaxy. He doesn't do it on purpose. It just IS.
Food arrives. And it was just as YUMMMMO as expected.
Big Bad Dad and I are curious to see what Jake thinks of the popcorn shrimp.
He took one of the shrimp, and DOUSED it in cocktail sauce, then put it in his mouth.
I knew that "Somethin' Bad About Ta Happen", because I KNEW that he THOUGHT that he was dousing his shrimp in....KETCHUP.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He took one big bite, and his eyes popped out of his head, Muppet-style, he coughed, he gulped some water, his eyes were blinking, he swallowed, and he said:
"What the HECK kind of KETCHUP is THIS?"
I think it was Reilly who said, "Dude, it's not ketchup. It's cocktail sauce."
Oh buoy.
And then the drama started.
"Whoa."
"I'm not feeling so good."
"I think I'm drunk,"
"Dad, is this what it feels like when you drink a lot of beers?"
"Whew."
"OH WOW."
"I'm hammered."
"I think I have a hangover."
We all let this go on for several minutes, as the word 'cocktail' caused the hypochondria that was nothing but ketchup + horseradish in Jake's mouth.
Finally, Uncle Kelly had to end it. I was kinda sad, cuz this was wayyyyyy too funny to end.
Uncle Kelly: "Jake, do you know what the word 'cocktail' means?"
Drunk Jake: "Beer."
Uncle Kelly: "No. It means a 'mixture' of things."
Drunk Jake: "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it means I'm drunk and I have a hangover."
~
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Revelation
~
So.
The world's a cray-cray place right now, isn't it?
As the (over-involved, yet not a "drone") parent of a Teen and Tween, WHOA!!!!
Jake is 11.
Reilly is 14.
At their level, which, even though they are extraordinarily intelligent and both are ALLEGEDLY 'geniuses' on paper, how does one explain "BREXIT" at their varying degrees of curiosity and attention spans?
How does one explain L? or G? or B? or T or Q? Honestly, I don't even understand T or Q. Really, I don't. I can't stop thinking about that scene in Kindergarten Cop where the 5 year old says "Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina."
How do I tell my very strong, fiercely independent, dare I say 'ferocious' fourteen year old daughter that I cannot allow her to just go to the restroom alone while I shop at certain retail establishments? How do I explain to her that I am more concerned for her safety NOW than I was five years ago? She is unusually 'worldly' for her age. I'm sure some of you will judge me harshly for this, but she and I have been watching "Criminal Minds" together for YEARS. We share many interests. Including behavioral analysis. And serial killers. And how important it is for a beautiful, young girl who just so happens to fit the 'sex trafficking' profile to a TEE, to be able to arm, protect, and defend herself when she is alone, and what behaviors are necessary for her to learn to keep herself safe and ALIVE in this world where so many things just CANNOT be explained.
How do I explain that I CANNOT explain why, a young man, SLAUGHTERED 49 innocent who were just out doing some 'adult' partying, in THEIR BIRTHPLACE? How do I explain that I CANNOT explain that it still HAS NOT yet to be determined if there is another threat? If this monster was part of a vast global conspiracy? If individuals were targeted because of what they believe in?
How do I explain, that I can no longer PROCLAIM, pretty much ANYTHING?
Wait........WHAT?
Rojo?
Fallon?
Soapbox Stealer?
What the HELLLLLLLLLLLL?
Yeah.
I lose more arguments than I win.
I'm in Arguing Anonymous right now. Working on my first chip. Not there yet.
But I am apologizing like crazy. To just about everyone. Just last week, I apologized to someone for something I did a YEAR ago. She laughed. Not to be mean. She laughed because she didn't even remember. But I did. And then SHE apologized for laughing. And we're totally good. And I've got a pretty long list of more long overdue apologies that I must attempt.
And heretofore comes my latest revelation.
In case I haven't been "Crystal Clear" a la Colonel Nathan Jessup, I've been as far right of a right winger as one could be. No need to add any more than that. Just understand that I have been. That, jointly with my husband, we've raised our children with a certain conservative belief system that some of our families and friends have supported and encouraged, and yet some have raised many an eyebrow towards.
I'm no longer a far right wing conservative.
No one is more surprised than I am.
I'm 45 years old.
I don't think it's a middle aged crisis.
I am not on any mind-altering drugs.
I don't watch any news channels anymore.
I keep myself educated, as I absolutely love the art of learning. About anything. I just love to read. And I have an incredibly annoying habit of inundating my kiddos with "Fallon Fun Facts!".
So here's what I think I am now.
Confused.
Uncertain.
Leaning nowhere.
Desperately searching to find common ground.
Still conservative, but not a winged one.
I don't have a label.
I think I'm beginning to think that no one should have a label.
This is a bit problematic.
Because my husband is staunchly standing his ground that I am in direct opposition to his frame of mind, to a frame of mind I once shared, to a frame of mind that I directly or indirectly directed him towards from, as he is known to say, "Jump Street".
My world is a very confusing place right now.
But so is yours.
How do we explain this to our children?
I can't even explain it to myself.
~
So.
The world's a cray-cray place right now, isn't it?
As the (over-involved, yet not a "drone") parent of a Teen and Tween, WHOA!!!!
Jake is 11.
Reilly is 14.
At their level, which, even though they are extraordinarily intelligent and both are ALLEGEDLY 'geniuses' on paper, how does one explain "BREXIT" at their varying degrees of curiosity and attention spans?
How does one explain L? or G? or B? or T or Q? Honestly, I don't even understand T or Q. Really, I don't. I can't stop thinking about that scene in Kindergarten Cop where the 5 year old says "Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina."
How do I tell my very strong, fiercely independent, dare I say 'ferocious' fourteen year old daughter that I cannot allow her to just go to the restroom alone while I shop at certain retail establishments? How do I explain to her that I am more concerned for her safety NOW than I was five years ago? She is unusually 'worldly' for her age. I'm sure some of you will judge me harshly for this, but she and I have been watching "Criminal Minds" together for YEARS. We share many interests. Including behavioral analysis. And serial killers. And how important it is for a beautiful, young girl who just so happens to fit the 'sex trafficking' profile to a TEE, to be able to arm, protect, and defend herself when she is alone, and what behaviors are necessary for her to learn to keep herself safe and ALIVE in this world where so many things just CANNOT be explained.
How do I explain that I CANNOT explain why, a young man, SLAUGHTERED 49 innocent who were just out doing some 'adult' partying, in THEIR BIRTHPLACE? How do I explain that I CANNOT explain that it still HAS NOT yet to be determined if there is another threat? If this monster was part of a vast global conspiracy? If individuals were targeted because of what they believe in?
How do I explain, that I can no longer PROCLAIM, pretty much ANYTHING?
Wait........WHAT?
Rojo?
Fallon?
Soapbox Stealer?
What the HELLLLLLLLLLLL?
Yeah.
I lose more arguments than I win.
I'm in Arguing Anonymous right now. Working on my first chip. Not there yet.
But I am apologizing like crazy. To just about everyone. Just last week, I apologized to someone for something I did a YEAR ago. She laughed. Not to be mean. She laughed because she didn't even remember. But I did. And then SHE apologized for laughing. And we're totally good. And I've got a pretty long list of more long overdue apologies that I must attempt.
And heretofore comes my latest revelation.
In case I haven't been "Crystal Clear" a la Colonel Nathan Jessup, I've been as far right of a right winger as one could be. No need to add any more than that. Just understand that I have been. That, jointly with my husband, we've raised our children with a certain conservative belief system that some of our families and friends have supported and encouraged, and yet some have raised many an eyebrow towards.
I'm no longer a far right wing conservative.
No one is more surprised than I am.
I'm 45 years old.
I don't think it's a middle aged crisis.
I am not on any mind-altering drugs.
I don't watch any news channels anymore.
I keep myself educated, as I absolutely love the art of learning. About anything. I just love to read. And I have an incredibly annoying habit of inundating my kiddos with "Fallon Fun Facts!".
So here's what I think I am now.
Confused.
Uncertain.
Leaning nowhere.
Desperately searching to find common ground.
Still conservative, but not a winged one.
I don't have a label.
I think I'm beginning to think that no one should have a label.
This is a bit problematic.
Because my husband is staunchly standing his ground that I am in direct opposition to his frame of mind, to a frame of mind I once shared, to a frame of mind that I directly or indirectly directed him towards from, as he is known to say, "Jump Street".
My world is a very confusing place right now.
But so is yours.
How do we explain this to our children?
I can't even explain it to myself.
~
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Dream Dream Dream
~
So.
I think I've posted about my totally cray-cray dreams before.
I'd like to say they are a result of the mind-altering drugs I take.
But I've had crazy dreams all my life. Like, CRAYYYZEEEEEE dreams.
Two days ago I dreamt about Blake Shelton being a polygamist who chopped off all the left arms of his many wives. I was his third wife. He let me keep both my arms to help me secure him more wives.
Crayzee.
I know.
So, admittedly, I have more than just a secret crush on Blake Shelton.
I mean, like, HELLO? How can anyone NOT have a crush on this dude? Grown heterosexual MEN have ManCrushes or BroMances with this brilliantly talented, hysterically funny, giant, flannel shirt wearing, never clean shaven, self deprecating, Ford truck driving, hunk of a humble Oklahoman. Heckfire, if his next album was named, "I'm Blake and I'm YUMMY", it would probably break the internet.
I have such a gi-normous crush on Blake Shelton, that I've convinced my whole family to love him as much as I do. So much so, that even my HUSBAND loves him, and sends me links to youtube clips that I just "might" have missed. Like this one:
Highly unlikely, but I so appreciate that my husband lets me have a pretend boyfriend since he's out of town so much.
So last night, I had yet another Cray Cray dream about Blake Shelton. Which makes no sense, because I didn't see or hear any Blake Shelton yesterday. I wish there was a way to install a camera in my brain so I could just play it for everyone like a movie, rather than try to describe it.
I'll try, but it's Cray Cray, so if you can't keep track, don't worry, it's bizarre. But no chopped off limbs, thank goodness.
So.
I took my kids to school in the morning, and on my way home, I went to Walgreens, dressed in my usual "yoga panted, no makeup, clearly I'm a Mom" self. And there was Blake. In Walgreens. MY Walgreens. In CLERMONT. Wait....what? He was doing a surprise promotion of his new album.
Yeah, right, whatever. I figured I was at Madame Tussaud's. This couldn't have been real. But it was. And it was definitely a surprise, because there was NOBODY in the store. Except employees. And me. And....CARRIE UNDERWOOD holding a baby girl. Wait.....what?
Apparently they are married. And Blake is absolutely CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs over this baby girl.
Who is named SHELBY. He is singing songs to her and rocking her, and she just looks at his face and reaches a hand to touch his beard. And my heart is about to explode and I am about to bawl my eyes out over how much this man loves his little girl. I can't even move, I've been Jedi-mind-melded or something.
Eventually, they leave, said they have another engagement. Ok, whatevs. But as he walks out the door, he's holding this perfectly pink dressed little baby girl, and I JUMP on his back LIKE A MONKEY, and scream, "I LOVE YOUUUUU BLAAAAAAAKE!" Kind of like I do on his Twitter account with eleventy million other men and women every day.
So I go about my day. After I tweeted and texted and Facebooked eleventy thousand people "OMGEEEE, I hugged Blake Shelton today!!!!!" At the grocery store, I bump into this kind, older woman, who seems to be unaware of her surroundings. I ask her if I can assist her in any way. She smiles, and in an Oklahoma drawl, sweetly tells me that she needs a ride home because the person who was going to pick her up got held up. I told her that I would happily take her home, if she trusted me to do so. She was very kind, and smiled, and said, yes, she trusted anyone who would ask an elderly woman if she needed help. I told her I had to go pickup my kids from school, would she mind if we did that first and I would take her where she needed to go on our way home? She kindly smiled and said "Oh yes, I just love children!"
So we pick up my kids. Who are very confused about who is this strange old woman in our car. They get in, with all their "stuff", but don't close the doors. Suddenly, about 12 of my daughter's friends pile in as well. Wait....what??? Only one of them is on my approved "pick up list". None of the carline teachers seem to care. Maybe cuz it's Friday. Who knows. They are all fantastic kids and I love them all.
So, amidst all the teenage drama and chatter and chaos, I said, "Hey Dudes! Guess who I met today?" And my daughter's BFF said, "Duh, Blake Shelton." Wait.....what??? How do you know that? She said, "Why do you think all of us are in your car? All of our Moms who saw your posts on Facebook called the school and said you were picking us up so we can meet him too." Huh?
My daughter said, "I'm pretty sure she's making this up, but whatevs, We can just have a party at my house." Ummmm, yeah, okay. I guess. Since I've been entrusted with all these kids, I'm assuming that's okay. But....I don't know where Mr. Shelton is, as he left the Walgreens this morning, after I mauled him like a bear.
The kind, wide grinned old woman pipes up, "I know where he is. He's back at Walgreens."
Huh?
"I know this, because I'm his MOM."
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! The entire herd of teenaged cattle in my SUV are wide mouthed and SILENT. I hit the pedal to the metal to get to Walgreen's faster than a speeding bullet.
Sure enough, there's my super not so secret crush, at the same table, signing autographs, his blue eyes twinkling, with a smile wider than Oklahoma. As we try to maneuver through the many people waiting in line, teenagers still wide mouthed and silent, Blake sees his Mama, and jumps up from the table and tears run down his eyes, and he just bear hugs her and keeps saying, "Mama! I love my Mama!" And she is just oozing with pride over the attention. And me and the herd o' teenagers just stand there in a trance-like awed silence. We eventually join the line of people waiting for autographs. I see Blake's Mama point to me and smile. And he gets this quizzical look on his face. He starts walking towards my herd. I'm about to have another heart attack. My daughter and her BFF start to literally shake. He embraces me like he does everyone he meets, and says, "I thought you were a crazed fan when you jumped on me this morning, but my wife Carrie said she thought you were genuine. And now that my Mama told me how kind you were to her, not even knowing that she was Blake Shelton's Mama, well now I know it too. Love you, SIS." And he walks back to the table.
OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Suddenly, my daughter and the herd think I am the coolest Mom in the universe of cool Moms. They are texting and Instagramming and snapping pics and taking videos and sharing them with the world. I cannot speak. My son tells me, "I love you, Mama." and hugs me big. I can't even move.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see that STEVE MARTIN (!) has entered Walgreens. Of course, none of the herd knows who he is. He walks directly towards me, and says, "Hello. My name is Steve. I was wondering if you would accompany to BLAKE'S PARTY AT HIS HOUSE IN WINDERMERE later tonight?" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I can't speak. My son and daughter in unison scream, "YES, SHE WILL!" I said, "Um, I'm married." Steve just smiled. My kids scream, "DAD WILL BE TOTALLY FINE WITH THIS MOM!"
Steve goes and stands next to Blake. Me and the Herd O'Teens finally reach the front of the line. I let all the kids go first. Blake gets all of them to engage and open up and soon they are all blushing and laughing and everyone of them buys every item he is selling. He smiles and says, "On the house kids. You have a good Mama. Can't put a price on that." Wow.
When I get to the table, Blake says, "Will you join my friend Steve and my Mama at our party tonight?" I start to stammer, I um, I um, I don't think I can, since I'm married. Blake pulls out a business card, and writes something on the back. He says, "I'm trusting you with my Mama, and I'm trusting you with this number. Please ask your husband to call me. I'd like for your whole family to join with mine. Steve Martin loves your blog. He wanted to meet you. And your kids."
Somehow I get the Herd and Blake's Mama back into the car, I take Mama home, shocked that she lives within walking distance of my house. Arriving at my house, the Herd jumps out of the car and heads for the pool. I sit on my couch in stunned silence. A few minutes later, my husband enters the door and says, "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be getting ready? We got us a party to go to! I don't think Blake Shelton wants to see you in yoga pants for the third time today."
And then I woke up.
So.
I think I've posted about my totally cray-cray dreams before.
I'd like to say they are a result of the mind-altering drugs I take.
But I've had crazy dreams all my life. Like, CRAYYYZEEEEEE dreams.
Two days ago I dreamt about Blake Shelton being a polygamist who chopped off all the left arms of his many wives. I was his third wife. He let me keep both my arms to help me secure him more wives.
Crayzee.
I know.
So, admittedly, I have more than just a secret crush on Blake Shelton.
I mean, like, HELLO? How can anyone NOT have a crush on this dude? Grown heterosexual MEN have ManCrushes or BroMances with this brilliantly talented, hysterically funny, giant, flannel shirt wearing, never clean shaven, self deprecating, Ford truck driving, hunk of a humble Oklahoman. Heckfire, if his next album was named, "I'm Blake and I'm YUMMY", it would probably break the internet.
I have such a gi-normous crush on Blake Shelton, that I've convinced my whole family to love him as much as I do. So much so, that even my HUSBAND loves him, and sends me links to youtube clips that I just "might" have missed. Like this one:
Highly unlikely, but I so appreciate that my husband lets me have a pretend boyfriend since he's out of town so much.
So last night, I had yet another Cray Cray dream about Blake Shelton. Which makes no sense, because I didn't see or hear any Blake Shelton yesterday. I wish there was a way to install a camera in my brain so I could just play it for everyone like a movie, rather than try to describe it.
I'll try, but it's Cray Cray, so if you can't keep track, don't worry, it's bizarre. But no chopped off limbs, thank goodness.
So.
I took my kids to school in the morning, and on my way home, I went to Walgreens, dressed in my usual "yoga panted, no makeup, clearly I'm a Mom" self. And there was Blake. In Walgreens. MY Walgreens. In CLERMONT. Wait....what? He was doing a surprise promotion of his new album.
Yeah, right, whatever. I figured I was at Madame Tussaud's. This couldn't have been real. But it was. And it was definitely a surprise, because there was NOBODY in the store. Except employees. And me. And....CARRIE UNDERWOOD holding a baby girl. Wait.....what?
Apparently they are married. And Blake is absolutely CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs over this baby girl.
Who is named SHELBY. He is singing songs to her and rocking her, and she just looks at his face and reaches a hand to touch his beard. And my heart is about to explode and I am about to bawl my eyes out over how much this man loves his little girl. I can't even move, I've been Jedi-mind-melded or something.
Eventually, they leave, said they have another engagement. Ok, whatevs. But as he walks out the door, he's holding this perfectly pink dressed little baby girl, and I JUMP on his back LIKE A MONKEY, and scream, "I LOVE YOUUUUU BLAAAAAAAKE!" Kind of like I do on his Twitter account with eleventy million other men and women every day.
So I go about my day. After I tweeted and texted and Facebooked eleventy thousand people "OMGEEEE, I hugged Blake Shelton today!!!!!" At the grocery store, I bump into this kind, older woman, who seems to be unaware of her surroundings. I ask her if I can assist her in any way. She smiles, and in an Oklahoma drawl, sweetly tells me that she needs a ride home because the person who was going to pick her up got held up. I told her that I would happily take her home, if she trusted me to do so. She was very kind, and smiled, and said, yes, she trusted anyone who would ask an elderly woman if she needed help. I told her I had to go pickup my kids from school, would she mind if we did that first and I would take her where she needed to go on our way home? She kindly smiled and said "Oh yes, I just love children!"
So we pick up my kids. Who are very confused about who is this strange old woman in our car. They get in, with all their "stuff", but don't close the doors. Suddenly, about 12 of my daughter's friends pile in as well. Wait....what??? Only one of them is on my approved "pick up list". None of the carline teachers seem to care. Maybe cuz it's Friday. Who knows. They are all fantastic kids and I love them all.
So, amidst all the teenage drama and chatter and chaos, I said, "Hey Dudes! Guess who I met today?" And my daughter's BFF said, "Duh, Blake Shelton." Wait.....what??? How do you know that? She said, "Why do you think all of us are in your car? All of our Moms who saw your posts on Facebook called the school and said you were picking us up so we can meet him too." Huh?
My daughter said, "I'm pretty sure she's making this up, but whatevs, We can just have a party at my house." Ummmm, yeah, okay. I guess. Since I've been entrusted with all these kids, I'm assuming that's okay. But....I don't know where Mr. Shelton is, as he left the Walgreens this morning, after I mauled him like a bear.
The kind, wide grinned old woman pipes up, "I know where he is. He's back at Walgreens."
Huh?
"I know this, because I'm his MOM."
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! The entire herd of teenaged cattle in my SUV are wide mouthed and SILENT. I hit the pedal to the metal to get to Walgreen's faster than a speeding bullet.
Sure enough, there's my super not so secret crush, at the same table, signing autographs, his blue eyes twinkling, with a smile wider than Oklahoma. As we try to maneuver through the many people waiting in line, teenagers still wide mouthed and silent, Blake sees his Mama, and jumps up from the table and tears run down his eyes, and he just bear hugs her and keeps saying, "Mama! I love my Mama!" And she is just oozing with pride over the attention. And me and the herd o' teenagers just stand there in a trance-like awed silence. We eventually join the line of people waiting for autographs. I see Blake's Mama point to me and smile. And he gets this quizzical look on his face. He starts walking towards my herd. I'm about to have another heart attack. My daughter and her BFF start to literally shake. He embraces me like he does everyone he meets, and says, "I thought you were a crazed fan when you jumped on me this morning, but my wife Carrie said she thought you were genuine. And now that my Mama told me how kind you were to her, not even knowing that she was Blake Shelton's Mama, well now I know it too. Love you, SIS." And he walks back to the table.
OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Suddenly, my daughter and the herd think I am the coolest Mom in the universe of cool Moms. They are texting and Instagramming and snapping pics and taking videos and sharing them with the world. I cannot speak. My son tells me, "I love you, Mama." and hugs me big. I can't even move.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see that STEVE MARTIN (!) has entered Walgreens. Of course, none of the herd knows who he is. He walks directly towards me, and says, "Hello. My name is Steve. I was wondering if you would accompany to BLAKE'S PARTY AT HIS HOUSE IN WINDERMERE later tonight?" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I can't speak. My son and daughter in unison scream, "YES, SHE WILL!" I said, "Um, I'm married." Steve just smiled. My kids scream, "DAD WILL BE TOTALLY FINE WITH THIS MOM!"
Steve goes and stands next to Blake. Me and the Herd O'Teens finally reach the front of the line. I let all the kids go first. Blake gets all of them to engage and open up and soon they are all blushing and laughing and everyone of them buys every item he is selling. He smiles and says, "On the house kids. You have a good Mama. Can't put a price on that." Wow.
When I get to the table, Blake says, "Will you join my friend Steve and my Mama at our party tonight?" I start to stammer, I um, I um, I don't think I can, since I'm married. Blake pulls out a business card, and writes something on the back. He says, "I'm trusting you with my Mama, and I'm trusting you with this number. Please ask your husband to call me. I'd like for your whole family to join with mine. Steve Martin loves your blog. He wanted to meet you. And your kids."
Somehow I get the Herd and Blake's Mama back into the car, I take Mama home, shocked that she lives within walking distance of my house. Arriving at my house, the Herd jumps out of the car and heads for the pool. I sit on my couch in stunned silence. A few minutes later, my husband enters the door and says, "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be getting ready? We got us a party to go to! I don't think Blake Shelton wants to see you in yoga pants for the third time today."
And then I woke up.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
The Return of Team Fallon
~
I'm baaaaaaaaack.
It's been awhile, as the song says.
Lots has happened.
No surprise there, If you know anything about Team Fallon, and of course, since none of us four would know a secret if it walked up and shook our hands, thIen you old fans already know allllllll that's happened. But if there are any newbies out there, I'll get y'all caught up.
MOST importantly -
WE KICKED CANCER'S BUTT!!!!!!
It wasn't easy. We didn't do it alone. It could have been a lot worse. But all that matters is, we are now at the two year post-remission checkup, and Billy's numbers have NEVER been better. There is no sign of the Hairy Cells anywhere in his body. And the Oncologist doesn't seem to think that will change at anytime in the "near" future. Leukemia is weird. Like, they say you're in remission, but, that you'll always have leukemia. I used to be smarter, but even then I would have had a tough time grasping it. So I just hold on to the percentages. I'm kind of a statistic geek. Like, there's a 92% chance that the Hairy Cells will NOT return in the next 10 years. Those are awesome odds. Because if a baseball player hit the ball 92% of the time? Well, that means he'd be batting .920. And that's darn near impossible. So I'm thrilled with the 92%. We all are. Cancer changed Billy, in many ways. I think it changes him daily. Some good, some not so good. But all that matters is that he's still here. And we can ONLY be grateful for that.
One more thing before I tie up this mini-update:
We're not pirates anymore.
Ok, you can stop crying now,
We've all grown into different phases of new nicknames.
The Captain will ALWAYS be a Captain, of something. And he'll always be The Spawn, Buckshot, and Janice. Lately, his father and I will refer to him when texting each other as: YOUR BOY. As in, "you ain't gonna believe what YOUR BOY did today.'
Reilly the Red is currently red as a lobster, but she's also known as Thundercalves, Run Reilly Run, Faster Fallon Faster, Foulin' Fallon, Ralph, and....my personal favorite....The Alien Teenager Formerly Known As My Daughter.
Oh yeah. We are in the throes of adolescence. Many, many, many, stories to come in that department.
Two Swords? Doesn't do much swordfighting lately. Maybe because one of his children is taller, faster, and ALMOST stronger. ALMOST. So he pretty much declared himself BBD, or, Big Bad Dad. Cuz, he's all three, really. Me and the kids call him Grumpy McGrumperson. His buddies call him The Waffler. You'll soon learn why.
Me? I'm pretty much just plain Red. When I'm not being "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!"
Life as Team Fallon......to be continued.
~
Sunday, August 24, 2014
AUGUST: LAKE COUNTY
I've been remiss in posting since THE CANCER. A lot A LOT a lot has happened. I promise to bring y'all up to speed. Just read....
Wow. Trying to chill after a 24 hour marathon.
1).BBD returned after a week of building House of Waffle and asked me to
Lunch date at Burgercraft. (GO TO THERE, my friends. Their fries are worth a drive from Titusville to Clermont.)
2). Agonizing Budgetary Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Ugh.
3). 5 super awesome and beautiful Tween and Teen young ladies with long, long legs and long, long, long, flowing hair descended upon our domicile to run their daily dose of 5 miles in 117 degree heat index (aka AUGUST: LAKE COUNTY) in the cross country terrain that is the woods behind us and the lake in front. LOVE THOSE GIRLS!!!
4). Bumpy readjustment to Big Bad Dad being home and uber disappointment that we couldn't "watch" our boy pitch last night but could only wait for the box scores to refresh every 90 seconds. Whew! Shouldn't have doubted #61yankee. #shanegreenegrewupinmydriveway
4). Pizza for breakfast, BBD played in the garage with Janet's innards all day while all my awesome housecleaning was leveled by kids and cats and dog and cats and kids. #soundslikelifetome
5). 4 hour solo attack on 3 grocery stores in an attempt to meet our new food budget. Unsuccessful - I went over by $7.36. I need to be sent back to TCCO Cost Camp Meridith Simeone!
6). The Tween has another suitor besides The Tweenaged DREAMY! An overly friendly #whereshoppingisapleasure employee...LOVES my 12 year old daughter. I thought he was 15 (dating is out of the question, young man)...but, no. CREEPY MCCREEPERSON is NINETEEN!!! (Dear God, thank you soooooo much for her beauty, but even more so for her SPEED!). Run Reilly, Runnnnnn!!!
7). The tree frog that has been squawking at 730 pm every night from some unidentifiable location inside our home jumped and squawked out of my "green" grocery bags onto another customer! SCREAMY, and her friend SCREAMIER, freaked out, I thought, justifiably, from a tree frog jumping on them at Aldi. Oh no, never that simple. They had to contain him and make sure he was okay and give him some water and put him outside in the grass, and they were deeply offended by my insensitivity to....ANIMALS. Oh buoy. Enjoy the REPTILE, laydeeeze. So glad that croaker is gone!
8). Got home, kids emptied my over budget groceries, BBD making supper, and I....jumped into the pool....with...all my clothes ON! The pool water was 95 degrees. Why waste a shower? Jake came careening from inside to ask me if I was "drunk or....on somethin'?" No and no. Recurring theme and foreshadowing here - LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST.
9). Aahhhhh. Most excited when BBD proposed, "Wanna go on a nighttime boat ride?" Heck ya! Woohoo! Some of my most favoritest of redneck peeps - eight boats wide, having an amazing time, singing my favorite songs, two kids safe at home, close enough I could swim home if need be, but no, I wouldn't need to...
40 minutes later.....
THUD
Cell phones start blowing up.
Emergency disembarkation.
10). Run Reilly Run is vomiting, has a severe headache above and behind her left eye, you know, the head and the eye from the Ginormous Skull Fracture Episode of 2010? Wait, what? You "bumped" heads with Porter at PE on THURSDAY as you both went for a soccer header? Wait, what? You don't remember what happened after that? Wait, what? And 20 minutes later you commenced a 5k atop the highest hill in Clermont in LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST????? What was yesterday? You don't remember? Reilly, how many eyes do I have? "Three?" Correct. I just sprouted a third eyeball.
BLESSEDLY.......
Our neighbors are an RN and a Paramedic. They came over in their Jammies.
My hard headed and soft brained daughter will live to see another day.
Mild concussion? Probably.
Headache at the old injury site? Expected.
Running 10 miles in two days after a "double" soccer header? Stupid.
Running tomorrow? Um, No.
Dehydrated? LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST
It's 3:30 A.M. and I am still going. Waking DOUBLEHEADER up every hour or so just to be safe.
Heather Fallon's Humira treatments are.....WORKING.
Without them - my 24 hours would have ended at Burgercraft.
God is good. All the time.
Wow. Trying to chill after a 24 hour marathon.
1).BBD returned after a week of building House of Waffle and asked me to
Lunch date at Burgercraft. (GO TO THERE, my friends. Their fries are worth a drive from Titusville to Clermont.)
2). Agonizing Budgetary Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Ugh.
3). 5 super awesome and beautiful Tween and Teen young ladies with long, long legs and long, long, long, flowing hair descended upon our domicile to run their daily dose of 5 miles in 117 degree heat index (aka AUGUST: LAKE COUNTY) in the cross country terrain that is the woods behind us and the lake in front. LOVE THOSE GIRLS!!!
4). Bumpy readjustment to Big Bad Dad being home and uber disappointment that we couldn't "watch" our boy pitch last night but could only wait for the box scores to refresh every 90 seconds. Whew! Shouldn't have doubted #61yankee. #shanegreenegrewupinmydriveway
4). Pizza for breakfast, BBD played in the garage with Janet's innards all day while all my awesome housecleaning was leveled by kids and cats and dog and cats and kids. #soundslikelifetome
5). 4 hour solo attack on 3 grocery stores in an attempt to meet our new food budget. Unsuccessful - I went over by $7.36. I need to be sent back to TCCO Cost Camp Meridith Simeone!
6). The Tween has another suitor besides The Tweenaged DREAMY! An overly friendly #whereshoppingisapleasure employee...LOVES my 12 year old daughter. I thought he was 15 (dating is out of the question, young man)...but, no. CREEPY MCCREEPERSON is NINETEEN!!! (Dear God, thank you soooooo much for her beauty, but even more so for her SPEED!). Run Reilly, Runnnnnn!!!
7). The tree frog that has been squawking at 730 pm every night from some unidentifiable location inside our home jumped and squawked out of my "green" grocery bags onto another customer! SCREAMY, and her friend SCREAMIER, freaked out, I thought, justifiably, from a tree frog jumping on them at Aldi. Oh no, never that simple. They had to contain him and make sure he was okay and give him some water and put him outside in the grass, and they were deeply offended by my insensitivity to....ANIMALS. Oh buoy. Enjoy the REPTILE, laydeeeze. So glad that croaker is gone!
8). Got home, kids emptied my over budget groceries, BBD making supper, and I....jumped into the pool....with...all my clothes ON! The pool water was 95 degrees. Why waste a shower? Jake came careening from inside to ask me if I was "drunk or....on somethin'?" No and no. Recurring theme and foreshadowing here - LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST.
9). Aahhhhh. Most excited when BBD proposed, "Wanna go on a nighttime boat ride?" Heck ya! Woohoo! Some of my most favoritest of redneck peeps - eight boats wide, having an amazing time, singing my favorite songs, two kids safe at home, close enough I could swim home if need be, but no, I wouldn't need to...
40 minutes later.....
THUD
Cell phones start blowing up.
Emergency disembarkation.
10). Run Reilly Run is vomiting, has a severe headache above and behind her left eye, you know, the head and the eye from the Ginormous Skull Fracture Episode of 2010? Wait, what? You "bumped" heads with Porter at PE on THURSDAY as you both went for a soccer header? Wait, what? You don't remember what happened after that? Wait, what? And 20 minutes later you commenced a 5k atop the highest hill in Clermont in LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST????? What was yesterday? You don't remember? Reilly, how many eyes do I have? "Three?" Correct. I just sprouted a third eyeball.
BLESSEDLY.......
Our neighbors are an RN and a Paramedic. They came over in their Jammies.
My hard headed and soft brained daughter will live to see another day.
Mild concussion? Probably.
Headache at the old injury site? Expected.
Running 10 miles in two days after a "double" soccer header? Stupid.
Running tomorrow? Um, No.
Dehydrated? LAKE COUNTY, AUGUST
It's 3:30 A.M. and I am still going. Waking DOUBLEHEADER up every hour or so just to be safe.
Heather Fallon's Humira treatments are.....WORKING.
Without them - my 24 hours would have ended at Burgercraft.
God is good. All the time.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Hurdles
Yesterday's Cross Country meet was the Florida State Championships for Middle Schoolers, grades 6-8. There were HUNDREDS of kids in each race. ALL of Reilly's teammates did fantastic...one girl placed 12th in State, and one boy placed 8th! But the whole team is headed to Athens, Georgia for NATIONALS (!) on December 5-6. When we made the family decision in January for Reilly to try to get accepted to Real Life Christian Academy and forego public middle school, we had no idea where the journey would take us. Reilly had to jump over a bunch of really high hurdles to meet their requirements. And all four of us had to not just physically and emotionally commit to this new way of life, but the financial engagement was more than a commitment, it was going to be a burden. Explaining the new outflow of funds to Jake was a pretty hard sell. But as Reilly cleared hurdle after hurdle, as the finish line towards enrollment was in sight, no member of Team Fallon ever looked back.
It is now November. Reilly just finished her first quarter as a "Raptor". And what a first quarter it has been. Academically, she has conquered the more challenging curriculum and overcome the higher grading scale, earning a 3.83 on her first report card. I had conferences with all of her teachers last week, and ALL five of them could not have sung higher praises. Every teacher told me that they could not find one single area for improvement. In fact one of them told me, "She's my favorite student of all the classes. I know I shouldn't say that, but I can't lie. Her AVERAGE is 100! I absolutely LOVE her!" When I suggested that perhaps Reilly wasn't being challenged enough, and that maybe we should consider giving her additional or more difficult assignments (even though I see her putting in several hours of homework every night including weekends), the teacher actually SCOLDED me, saying, "Mrs. Fallon! Did you hear what I said? She AVERAGES 100! Which means she is PERFECT! We don't need to do anything more, she is meeting AND exceeding all benchmarks!" When I pushed the issue a bit by again remarking that extra work should be a consideration, I was scolded yet again by the teacher who said, "Mrs. Fallon! Do you have any idea how HARD my tests are?" Sheepishly I replied, " Ummmm.....no?" Then came the tongue lashing. "They are VERY difficult. Reilly has the highest grade of all my classes. It is rare for any teacher to see a student perform with ZERO mistakes, but she is doing it, and I am not about to mess with what I view to be PERFECTION." I gave up. After all, the teachers are the professionals, I'm just a Mom. The teacher told me to go home and ask Reilly how hard the tests were. So when I got home, I asked Reilly if the tests in this particular subject were indeed as hard as her teacher indicated, Reilly sighed and told me, "Yeah Mom, they're pretty hard." Okay. Teacher 1 - Mom 0.
And now, Team Fallon's biggest hurdle is yet to come.
Billy Fallon was diagnosed with leukemia on November 1, 2013. As of now, that is all we know. We know we are in for some high, high hurdles. But we are locked, loaded and ready. And inspired by the miraculous survival of four of our best friends from a plane crash a week ago. Bring it on, cancer. Team Fallon is ready for battle once again.
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