Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Dream Dream Dream



I think I've posted about my totally cray-cray dreams before.

I'd like to say they are a result of the mind-altering drugs I take.

But I've had crazy dreams all my life.  Like, CRAYYYZEEEEEE dreams.

Two days ago I dreamt about Blake Shelton being a polygamist who chopped off all the left arms of his many wives.  I was his third wife.  He let me keep both my arms to help me secure him more wives.


I know.

So, admittedly, I have more than just a secret crush on Blake Shelton.

I mean, like, HELLO?  How can anyone NOT have a crush on this dude?  Grown heterosexual MEN have ManCrushes or BroMances with this brilliantly talented, hysterically funny, giant, flannel shirt wearing, never clean shaven, self deprecating, Ford truck driving, hunk of a humble Oklahoman.   Heckfire, if his next album was named, "I'm Blake and I'm YUMMY", it would probably break the internet.

I have such a gi-normous crush on Blake Shelton, that I've convinced my whole family to love him as much as I do.  So much so, that even my HUSBAND loves him, and sends me links to youtube clips that I just "might" have missed.   Like this one:

Highly unlikely, but I so appreciate that my husband lets me have a pretend boyfriend since he's out of town so much.

So last night, I had yet another Cray Cray dream about Blake Shelton. Which makes no sense, because I didn't see or hear any Blake Shelton yesterday.   I wish there was a way to install a camera in my brain so I could just play it for everyone like a movie, rather than try to describe it.

I'll try, but it's Cray Cray, so if you can't keep track, don't worry, it's bizarre.  But no chopped off limbs, thank goodness.


I took my kids to school in the morning, and on my way home, I went to Walgreens, dressed in my usual "yoga panted, no makeup, clearly I'm a Mom" self.  And there was Blake.  In Walgreens.  MY Walgreens.  In CLERMONT.  Wait....what?   He was doing a surprise promotion of his new album.
Yeah, right, whatever.  I figured I was at Madame Tussaud's.  This couldn't have been real.  But it was.  And it was definitely a surprise, because there was NOBODY in the store.  Except employees.  And me.  And....CARRIE UNDERWOOD holding a baby girl.  Wait.....what?

Apparently they are married.  And Blake is absolutely CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs over this baby girl.
Who is named SHELBY.  He is singing songs to her and rocking her, and she just looks at his face and reaches a hand to touch his beard.  And my heart is about to explode and I am about to bawl my eyes out over how much this man loves his little girl.  I can't even move, I've been Jedi-mind-melded or something.

Eventually, they leave, said they have another engagement.  Ok, whatevs.  But as he walks out the door, he's holding this perfectly pink dressed little baby girl, and I JUMP on his back LIKE A MONKEY, and scream, "I LOVE YOUUUUU BLAAAAAAAKE!"  Kind of like I do on his Twitter account with eleventy million other men and women every day.

So I go about my day.  After I tweeted and texted and Facebooked eleventy thousand people "OMGEEEE, I hugged Blake Shelton today!!!!!"  At the grocery store, I bump into this kind, older woman, who seems to be unaware of her surroundings.  I ask her if I can assist her in any way.  She smiles, and in an Oklahoma drawl, sweetly tells me that she needs a ride home because the person who was going to pick her up got held up.  I told her that I would happily take her home, if she trusted me to do so.  She was very kind, and smiled, and said, yes, she trusted anyone who would ask an elderly woman if she needed help.  I told her I had to go pickup my kids from school, would she mind if we did that first and I would take her where she needed to go on our way home?  She kindly smiled and said "Oh yes, I just love children!"

So we pick up my kids.  Who are very confused about who is this strange old woman in our car. They get in, with all their "stuff", but don't close the doors.  Suddenly, about 12 of my daughter's friends pile in as well.  Wait....what???  Only one of them is on my approved "pick up list".  None of the carline teachers seem to care.  Maybe cuz it's Friday.  Who knows.  They are all fantastic kids and I love them all.

So, amidst all the teenage drama and chatter and chaos, I said, "Hey Dudes!  Guess who I met today?"  And my daughter's BFF said, "Duh, Blake Shelton."  Wait.....what???  How do you know that?  She said, "Why do you think all of us are in your car?  All of our Moms who saw your posts on Facebook called the school and said you were picking us up so we can meet him too."  Huh?

My daughter said, "I'm pretty sure she's making this up, but whatevs,  We can just have a party at my house."  Ummmm, yeah, okay.  I guess.  Since I've been entrusted with all these kids, I'm assuming that's okay.  But....I don't know where Mr. Shelton is, as he left the Walgreens this morning, after I mauled him like a bear.

The kind, wide grinned old woman pipes up, "I know where he is.  He's back at Walgreens."


"I know this, because I'm his MOM."

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!  The entire herd of teenaged cattle in my SUV are wide mouthed and SILENT.  I hit the pedal to the metal to get to Walgreen's faster than a speeding bullet.

Sure enough, there's my super not so secret crush, at the same table, signing autographs, his blue eyes twinkling, with a smile wider than Oklahoma.  As we try to maneuver through the many people waiting in line, teenagers still wide mouthed and silent, Blake sees his Mama, and  jumps up from the table and tears run down his eyes, and he just bear hugs her and keeps saying, "Mama!  I love my Mama!"  And she is just oozing with pride over the attention.  And me and the herd o' teenagers just stand there in a trance-like awed silence.  We eventually join the line of people waiting for autographs.  I see Blake's Mama point to me and smile.  And he gets this quizzical look on his face. He starts walking towards my herd.  I'm about to have another heart attack.  My daughter and her BFF start to literally shake.  He embraces me like he does everyone he meets, and says, "I thought you were a crazed fan when you jumped on me this morning, but my wife Carrie said she thought you were genuine.  And now that my Mama told me how kind you were to her, not even knowing that she was Blake Shelton's Mama, well now I know it too.  Love you, SIS."  And he walks back to the table.


Suddenly, my daughter and the herd think I am the coolest Mom in the universe of cool Moms.  They are texting and Instagramming and snapping pics and taking videos and sharing them with the world. I cannot speak.  My son tells me, "I love you, Mama." and hugs me big.  I can't even move.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see that STEVE MARTIN (!) has entered Walgreens.  Of course, none of the herd knows who he is.  He walks directly towards me, and says, "Hello.  My name is Steve.  I was wondering if you would accompany to BLAKE'S PARTY AT HIS HOUSE IN WINDERMERE later tonight?"  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  I can't speak.  My son and daughter in unison scream, "YES, SHE WILL!"  I said, "Um, I'm married."  Steve just smiled.  My kids scream, "DAD WILL BE TOTALLY FINE WITH THIS MOM!"

Steve goes and stands next to Blake.  Me and the Herd O'Teens finally reach the front of the line.  I let all the kids go first.  Blake gets all of them to engage and open up and soon they are all blushing and laughing and everyone of them buys every item he is selling.  He smiles and says, "On the house kids.  You have a good Mama.  Can't put a price on that."  Wow.

When I get to the table, Blake says, "Will you join my friend Steve and my Mama at our party tonight?"  I start to stammer, I um, I um, I don't think I can, since I'm married.  Blake pulls out a business card, and writes something on the back.  He says, "I'm trusting you with my Mama, and I'm trusting you with this number.  Please ask your husband to call me.  I'd like for your whole family to join with mine.  Steve Martin loves your blog.  He wanted to meet you.  And your kids."

Somehow I get the Herd and Blake's Mama back into the car,  I take Mama home, shocked that she lives within walking distance of my house.  Arriving at my house, the Herd jumps out of the car and heads for the pool.  I sit on my couch in stunned silence.  A few minutes later, my husband enters the door and says, "What are you doing?  Shouldn't you be getting ready?  We got us a party to go to!  I don't think Blake Shelton wants to see you in yoga pants for the third time today."

And then I woke up.

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