Monday, March 28, 2011

Bad Day

Jake in hallway, butt naked, wet, playing guitar:

I don't want to have a Baddddddddddd Day.

I just want to have a Greeeeeeeeeeeen Day.

I don't want to splash in the Tubbbbbbbbbb.

I don't want to have a Baddddddddddd Day.

I just want to have a Greeeeeeeeeeeen Day.

Jake's way of singing the blues is actually to sing about the greens.....


Wednesday, March 23, 2011




As I was deeply engrossed with my favorite annual event of.....TAX PREPARATION!.....Two Swords came and rescued me by kidnapping two very bored pirates.

They headed to our 'beach', and the kids played on the tire swing, ran, played, swam, fished, and made people laugh.  That's what THEY do.

Captain Jake Sparrow arrived home first, telling me how much fun he had, that he went swimming, that he got pushed so high on the tire swing that he had to hold his breath until he turned purple....

whoa - why did you think you had to hold your breath while you were on the swing?

Sparrow - isn't it OBVIOUS?

um, nope.  it's not.  Anyway.  So who all was down there?

Sparrow:  Me, Reilly, Barney, BooBoo, The Guy Who Drinks Too Much, Daddy, Mr. Obvious, and Mr. Obvious'es Wife.  (interestingly she was not called MISSES Obvious, hmmmm?).

And always confused Mama Pirate MISTAKENLY asked:  Um, who is Mister Obvious, Jake?

Eye rolling, bored to DEATH Sparrow:  Duh, Mom.  Isn't it Obvious who Mister Obvious is?

Me, pretty much using process of elimination at this point:  Mr. Frodo?  Is Mister Frodo Mister Obvious?

Sparrow:  Of  course he is!  Isn't it OBVIOUS?  OBVIOUSLY Frodo is Mister Obvious.  I can't believe you don't 'get' it.

Nope, sure didn't.

Twenty minutes later, upon greeting Frodo/Frudo/Frito/Stanley in my garage, I said, "ummm, Hey Frodo, why does Jake say that your new nickname is Mr. Obvious?

Frodo howls with laughter.  He says he has no idea.  He says, 'Jake said I was MISTER OBVIOUS?"

Me;  Yeah, and when I asked him why, he told me, "OBVIOUSLY he is Mister OBVIOUS, Mom!"

And the confusion and laughter went on and on and on.

Today, I asked Jake once again about the 'Obviousness' of Mr. Obvious' new nickname.

And of course I got what was coming to me when the Sparrow said, "MOM!  If you can't figure out how OBVIOUS it is, then I really can't help you!  Can I have a chocoalte donut?"

I remain OBVIOUSLY confused.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Public Bathrooms



Last night, I was in the bathroom WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.

Yeah, as if THAT means anything to "Mr. I Can't Poop Unless I have Somebody to Share My Experience With".


Last night, I was in the bathroom, shaving my legs, WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.

My netherregions were NOT exposed, even though the DOOR WAS CLOSED.

Someone....(guess who!) busted open the door to attempt to tell me something uber-important like, Hey Mom Have You Seen That Awesome New Gecko Commercial; or Can I Have Another Green Apple Even Though I've Already Had Four Since Supper Was Over; or Does Aunt Meredith Have My Bahamas Tickets Yet.....


Before he could speak......

The color drained from his face.  Which frightened me for a second, as he's been having his quirky fast heartbeat lately.  My concern immediately dispersed with the next sentence (OUTBURST):

Sparrow with a contorted face and furrowed brow:  "EWWWWW!  MOM!  That is soooooo gross that you are shaving your legs IN PUBLIC!"

Non-Public Shaving Mother:  "I'm sorry. I made the mistake of thinking that CLOSING A BATHROOM DOOR meant PRIVACY?  My bad Jake."

Sparrow:  "Yeah, and I don't even understand why you would want to do such a STUPID thing like that anyway."

Non-Public Shaving Mother Who Is Not in the Mood Nor Has thc Mental Equipment At the Moment to Educate the Savant on Unwanted Body Hair:  "Jake.  Goodbye.  And close the bathrrom door.  And stop opening bathroom doors."

Sparrow:  "Yeah, I'm NOT gonna open any more bathroom doors, cuz i'm scared of (AND I QUOTE!) what the heck you might be doing in there."

And shuts the door and leaves.

Wait a second, guys.

JAKE is afraid of what MOM might be doing behind a closed bathroom door?

I'm in the bizarro world again, aren't I?

This is all a dream, right?  A really, really bad dream, right?

Ohhhhh noooooooo.

This is Day THREE of NINE straight days of the Captain.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring BRAKE in the Bahamas


It is officially "Spring BRAKE" around these parts.

I have no idea how I will remain sane after 10 solid days of H-I-M.

You know, the Captain.


Our neighbor was just over here a few minutes ago, and I was telling him I hoped he and his kids would have a safe and good time on THEIR Spring BRAKE ski/snowboard vacation.  Chit chat followed, and then the neighbor returned home.

As soon as I re-entered the house, and shut the kitchen/garage door behind me, the Captain appeared out of the deep depths of his den and questioned me with, "Where are WE going for Spring BRAKE?"

I casually reminded him that we had plans to go to the library tomorrow afternoon.

The Sparrow says, "Duh, I know THAT.  I mean, WHERE are WE going on VACATION for Spring BRAKE?"

I told him we weren't going anywhere, just like I told him LAST week and the week BEFORE that, but that I had daily activities planned each day, like, the library on Monday, the movies on Tuesday, the park on Wednesday, etc., AND he could stay up as late as he wanted to, every single night of the week and sleep in as long as he wanted to every morning of the week while he was on VACATION known as Spring BRAKE.

Jake said, "I want to go to the Bahamas for Spring BRAKE."

I'm sorry?  What?  Did I miss something?  Did he recently take a collusive time-share tour in exchange for a 3day/2night Bahamian Cruise and a carton of Tropicana orange juice?   Do you even know WHERE the Bahamas are?  Do you even know WHAT the Bahamas are?  Can't you just ask for popcorn AND candy at the movie, instead of trying to wiggle your way into an island paradise?  Seriously?  Where the heck is this Bahamas NONSENSE coming from?  I don't think I would have been anymore confused if he had tugged on my shirt and begged for immediate gender reassignment surgery.

"Um, Jake?  How ya gonna get there, buddy?" - I know, I know, I know, why do I 'play' with him.  It's actually not playtime.  This is Captain Jake Sparrow 101.  Or, Captain Jake Sparrow for Dummies.

And the Sparrow said, "Ima gonna call Aunt Meredith and ask her if she'll take me to the Bahamas."

I wanted to ride THIS boat to the Bahamas, if you know what I mean, so I dialed her number, and handed the phone to the newest Priceline Negotiator.

Reilly the Red, who was engrossed in her new favorite show, Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet, where people (freaks) sleep with crocodiles in their own beds as if they were cute little kitties , actually turned down the volume on the TV, and whispered to me, "Does he REALLY think Aunt Meredith is going to take him to the Bahamas?"  I replied, "It appears he does in fact think that."  Reilly cracks up, holding her hand over her mouth and then gets serious for a minute and says, "She really can't, Mommy, right?"  And I share with Reilly our secret look that means, "Um, hello?  We're talking about J A K E, duh!"  And she smiled and said, "I thought so.  I wonder what she's going to say!"

Well, Uncle Two-Fisted Chris answered the phone.  And this is what I 'heard' from the conversation:

Sparrow:  Hiiiiiiiii Un-cle, Chrrrrrissssssss.

Uncle Two-Fisted Chris: said something I couldn't hear.


And Uncle Two-Fisted Chris said, : Who is THIS?  Who is THIS who is calling to talk to MY WIFE?

Sparrow:  UNCLE CHRIS!  I'm your, I'm your, I'm your....I'm your SISTER's KID!  (it seeems that in the midst of the planning for his Bahamian paradise vacation, the Sparrow forgot the meaning of the word 'nephew' for a second)

Uncle Two-Fisted Chris laughed and handed the phone to Aunt Mermaidelicious, aka Aunt Meredith, aka former sparring partner of Jake, but apparently, now his NEW best friend.

Aunt Mer gets on the phone.

The Sparrow says, "Hiiiiii Aunnnnnt Merrrreeeeeddddddittttth"

Anut Mer replies, "Hi Jake.  Whassup Buddy?"

And Captain Jake Sparrow lays down his sales pitch:

"Aunt Merrrrreeeddddditttthhhhhh?  Could you get tickets for me and my family to go to the Bahamas this week?"

And I gotta give my Sista some credit.  For a whole lot of reasons, but for this in particular:

Aunt Mer:  "Sure thing, Jake.  I'll get right on it."

And Jake's face lights up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree as he holds my phone far away from his face, as if in utter BELIEF, and says, "Mom!  She said she's gonna get right on it!"

And he doesn't say, thanks so much, when are we leaving, should I get a passport, or, um, perhaps even a "goodbye Aunt Merrrrrreeeeedddithhhhhhhh, I love you."


Simply hands me the phone, which is filled with exuberant laughter on the other end.

Before she could say anything, I spoke first, telling her that this was all HIS idea, HE wanted to ask her, and HE wanted to ask her RIGHT NOW.

Aunt Mer is still laughing.

She says, "Is he sure he called the right Meredith?"  (The other MerIdith in our life is a gazillionaire who loves and adores and spoils my children, but not quite to the point where she takes them on a cruise.  And not because she can't afford it, but because she is most definitely afraid that the Sparrow would either jump off the ship, or get 'lost', or make his way to the Bridge. )

I said, "Yes, he said Aunt Merrrreddddiiittthhhh, NOT Miss Merrimuff."

Aunt Mer, "I was certain he either meant to call her, or Aunt Boz, cuz both of them are in a far better condition than ME to send Jake and Co. on a Bahamian cruise".  (Aunt Boz is the 'other' favorite aunt who loves and adores her niece and nephew and spoils my children like mad, but has yet to spoil them Bahamian-ly.)

I told her, nope, he had the right 'Aunt', and he was insistent that Aunt Merrrreeedddiithhhhh could get him and his family to the Bahamas in eight seconds flat.

She can't stop laughing.

I'm extremely curious as to when Jake is going to want to call her back to see how her 'working on it' is coming along.  And even more curious to see how Aunt Mer gets herself out of 'this' one.

Pretty sure you'll be reading about in the next few days.

While we are still in the United States.

Oh, I've got such an interesting week ahead of me.....

Stay tuned for more Captain Jake Sparrow 101.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Faith in Frodo, Donuts, and the Grey Moon


Mister Frodo (or Frudo, or Frito, or even Stanley if you prefer) was over last night torturing teasing my pirates.

He said he would be back in the morning, at around 7 am, and he would bring donuts.

And Reilly the Red and Captain Jake Sparrow (and maybe a certain elderly redhead) put in their 'orders'.

Fast forward to this morning.....

Of course the children are still recovering from this BLASTED FRICK A FRACK A FRICK A FRACK nonsensical, impractical and INANE time change.

The past two mornings have been rough as sandpaper on a hemorrhoid if you know what I mean.  (Yeah, it always comes back to poop.)

This morning, the pirates remembered that Frodo/Frudo/Frito/Stanley would be bringing donuts.

And the clock starts ticking.

We had to do things (oh no she DIDN'T!) a little bit 'out of order' this morning, which meant getting dressed BEFORE breakfast, as breakfast hadn't arrived yet from F/F/F/Stanley, which sent the Sparrow into a tailspin.  I would have said meltdown, but that wouldn't have been appropriate, with respect to those who are suffering REAL meltdowns.


Red had a much better morning today than yesterday.  Yay me!

The Sparrow?  Not so much.

He fell asleep in the chair.

He fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

He fell asleep (totally disgusting, especially since it's 'his') on his bathroom rug.

BLASTED time change!

At about 713am, Jake flips out.

He yells, "Frodo is NEVER going to bring me donuts!"

And I rightfully defended Frodo, saying, "Come on, Jake.  Has Frodo ever lied to you?  Seriously?  If he says he's going to do something, he does it.  If he says he going to be somewhere, he's there."

And Jake yells again, "I got NO FAITH in THAT guy!  He's ALWAYS trickin' me."

(me, cracking up inside - how did Jake connct faith to trusting Frodo to bring donuts?  he's smarter than we all give him credit for, but I could not help but bust out laughing when he said "NO FAITH")

But Jake is right in one sense - Frodo is a trickster.  That's for sure.  Just a little big kid.  Yes, I wrote that correctly.  Frodo is a big kid, albeit a little one.  And definitely a trickster.  But most definitely NOT a liar.

Guess what happened next?

Frodo/Frudo/Frito/Stanley showed up with a dozen donuts in hand, with all requests granted, in PLENTY of time for the donut whores to gobble their fried sugar.

And when Jake comes home tonight, I will educate him that he can, in fact, have faith in Frodo.

Especially since Jake's parents don't generally welcome people into our home and into the lives of our children if we don't have faith in them.

And the conversation will end like this, "Oh yeah?  How do YOU know?"

And I know THIS because just last night, as we were discussing Reilly the Red's solar system science project, I mentioned that we would color Neptune's 13 moons with my gray eyeshadow, as Neptune's moons appear to be as gray as our moon does, even though Neptune is bluish purple.

And the Sparrow nearly spewed his corn and mashed potatoes when he said, "Our moon is NOT gray!  Our MOOOOOOON is WHITE!!!!!"

And again, why oh why do I bother, but I said, "No Jake, you are in fact WRONG, our moon is gray."

To wit Doubting Jake replied, "How do YOU know?"

And I looked at the other member of authority in our home and said, "Billy?"

And Two Swords swallowed HIS mashed potatoes and told Jake, "She's right. (don't you just LOVE to hear those words from your husband???? or your kid????  or the IRS????)"

Oh the Sparrow didn't believe him.  "No it isn't Dad it's white."

And Two Swords VERY calmly (unusual as it is for him to be calm when dealing with the Captain) explained that although the moon LOOKS white from Earth, it really and truly IS grey.

One more time - "How do YOU know?"

Because we don't believe in the "because we said so" technique unless it's the only prudent response to those repeated questions of  'why do I have to go to bed right NOWWW? ' or 'why do I have to brush my teeth', I often feel compelled to PROVE it to him.

It has gotten to the point where the two adults in this home, aka the PARENTS, are all of a sudden not sources of valuable information.  We're now just stupid parents.

So I got the laptop, went to Wikipedia, and showed him an upclose picture of a very GREY moon.

And of course, not to be outdone, the Sparrow hunched over the keyboard and said, "Oh yeah?  Well how do THEY know?  How does WICKY-PEE-DEE-YA know that, huh, Mom?"

Then, and ONLY then did I give up.

I gave up by doubling his evening chores.

Right back at ya' son.  THAT's how I know.  Cuz I know all about the power.  I have it, and you don't.

HAHAHA (evil, wicked witch with green metallic wand laugh).




There once was a girl named Red Reilly,

Who always was seen as quite smiley,

But then she turned eight, 

Met girls filled with hate,

And Red Reilly is no longer lively.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Leprechaun



At the Terrific Kid award 'ceremony' on Friday for the Sparrow, we bumped into his teacher, Mrs. S.

She was beaming when she said, "So let me tell you what your little Irishman did this week!"

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.

That's what went through my Catholic-indoctrinated head.

It happens a lot, especially when a Jake 'issue' is about to be revealed or has revealed itself and I am preparing myself to 'deal' with said issue.


Apparently, the class was studying new words.

One of the words was "J I G".

A lot of 5 and 6 year old voices muttered, "J I G?  What the heck is a J I G?"

And then my little leprechaun JUMPED out of his chair and said, "I know!  I know!  I know!"

And then proceeded to the front of the class where he performed his own version of an Irish jig.

Mrs. S said it was clearly an Irish jig, not some crazy pretend dance just to get attention.

I have no idea where he learned how to do an Irish jig. was from a Lucky Charms commercial.


That would also explain his recent ramblings of , "they're magically DEE-LISH-USS!"


Friday, March 11, 2011



I know.

I can't believe it myself.

Even though he made it his New Year's Resolution.

What you are about to see, well, you may never see again.


The Sparrow is officially a "Terrrrrrrific Kid."

He couldn't believe it.

When his teacher put the 'green' paper on his desk on MONDAY, he went up to her and told her she must have made a mistake, that it couldn't possibly belong to him.

He was wrong.  It was all his.

That afternoon, he came careening off the bus, screaming, "I'M TERRIFIC KID, I'M TERRIFIC KID, I'M TERRIFIC KID!"

Two Swords and I were in shock and awe and complete disbelief.  So was Reilly the Red.  Who actually told him she was really proud of him!

Unfathomable, right?


Especially since he got written up two days later for smacking some innocent little kid upside the head in the lunchroom.

That's MY Terrific Kid.

Oh, and for the record, the tie was ALL his idea.  Especially the refusal to button the top button and wear a clip-on tie, the, um, REAL way.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011



I'm friends with Ben Affleck!


He accepted my 'friend request' on Facebook!


Pinch me!


I'm one degree from Ben Affleck!


Sorry, I get a little 'name dropping' crazy sometimes.


A friend of Ben Affleck


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

40 pounds


He did it.

I have no idea how.

It's taken him six years.

And he burns about 12,000 calories a day, just by running his piehole.

And he only eats green apples, corn, Alpha-Bits, grapes, green apples, bananas, green apples, popcorn, green apples, and, did I mention he eats a lot of green apples?

And last night, he had a tee-ball game, and his hustle reminded me of Mr. Hustle - Pete Rose.

He even ran about a 1/2 mile while his team was still batting, cuz he had to, you know, 'pee'.

But he weighed in this morning at a whopping:


You would have thought he had won a gold medal or something.

In fact, when he was FOUR, he tried wrestling.

He was allowed to practice, but he couldn't play in any 'matches' until he weighed FORTY pounds.

Yeah, wrestling didn't last very long, so we switched to baseball.

Thank goodness.

He'd probably still be seething on that wrestling bench.

I guess he's not a Sparrow anymore?


He'll always be the Sparrow.


Friday, March 4, 2011

My Favorite Things

1). Chocolate eclair creamer mixed with white chocolate coconut creamer with my morning coffee brought to me by my nearly perfect husband.

2). Snuggles and kisses by the kiddies.

3). Getting carded at Publix for trying to buy an eight dollar bottle of Cabernet.

4). American Idol

5). The attention I garner from my oh-so-fake-but-oh-so-fabulous red hair.

6). The fullness of my tummy after a wonderful, delectable meal.

7). Billy Two Swords' hands and forearms. They make me swoon.

8). Prescription narcotics. MY prescription, no one else's.

9). Wi-Fi

10). Facebook. Who knew?

11). Guns N Roses

12). Batman - the greatest superhero EVER, who just happens to have the HOTTEST superhero car. He has no power, therefore he wins because he's smarter and hotter. Don't get me started.

13). The attention I get from having red hair. Wait....did I say that already? Hmmmmm...I must REALLY like it....

14). Ahi tuna. Seared. Rare. With teriyaki soy sauce and hot mustard. Yum.

15). My Craftmatic Adjustable Vibrating Select Comfort Sleep Number Bed (30). If you buy nothing else in this life, get one of these. There is nothing like sleeping IN a bed, rather than ON one.

16). My Ford Expedition. It is my second one, yes it is a guzzler, yes I am quite small to be driving such a behemoth, but I love it, and I will never own anything else. It makes me feel like a badass. Especially this one - it's got some custom ghetto package, it's black with red accents on the inside and the headrests say FMF. For Funk Master Flex. Some rapper dude. We changed it to Funk Master Fallon. Yep. I'm a white Irish girl who has a brotha ride. And I love it!

17). Stargazer lilies.

18). Chocolate. In any way, shape, or form. Daily. Please.

19). Gifting people. I love to give things away. I do not like to receive. Ever. Just let me give you stuff.

20). Making people laugh.

21). Singing. I'm terrible at it. But I like to think that I'm not.

22). Mexican food. Yum.

23). Tanqueray. Boy does it get me into trouble twice a year, but it is definitely one of my favorite things.

24). Taking photographs that make people smile. Or laugh. Or cry.

25). Writing. Duh.

26). Old Navy Mid Rise 'Flirt' Jeans. No more MOM Jeans for me!