It is officially "Spring BRAKE" around these parts.
I have no idea how I will remain sane after 10 solid days of H-I-M.
You know, the Captain.
Our neighbor was just over here a few minutes ago, and I was telling him I hoped he and his kids would have a safe and good time on THEIR Spring BRAKE ski/snowboard vacation. Chit chat followed, and then the neighbor returned home.
As soon as I re-entered the house, and shut the kitchen/garage door behind me, the Captain appeared out of the deep depths of his den and questioned me with, "Where are WE going for Spring BRAKE?"
I casually reminded him that we had plans to go to the library tomorrow afternoon.
The Sparrow says, "Duh, I know THAT. I mean, WHERE are WE going on VACATION for Spring BRAKE?"
I told him we weren't going anywhere, just like I told him LAST week and the week BEFORE that, but that I had daily activities planned each day, like, the library on Monday, the movies on Tuesday, the park on Wednesday, etc., AND he could stay up as late as he wanted to, every single night of the week and sleep in as long as he wanted to every morning of the week while he was on VACATION known as Spring BRAKE.
Jake said, "I want to go to the Bahamas for Spring BRAKE."
I'm sorry? What? Did I miss something? Did he recently take a collusive time-share tour in exchange for a 3day/2night Bahamian Cruise and a carton of Tropicana orange juice? Do you even know WHERE the Bahamas are? Do you even know WHAT the Bahamas are? Can't you just ask for popcorn AND candy at the movie, instead of trying to wiggle your way into an island paradise? Seriously? Where the heck is this Bahamas NONSENSE coming from? I don't think I would have been anymore confused if he had tugged on my shirt and begged for immediate gender reassignment surgery.
"Um, Jake? How ya gonna get there, buddy?" - I know, I know, I know, why do I 'play' with him. It's actually not playtime. This is Captain Jake Sparrow 101. Or, Captain Jake Sparrow for Dummies.
And the Sparrow said, "Ima gonna call Aunt Meredith and ask her if she'll take me to the Bahamas."
I wanted to ride THIS boat to the Bahamas, if you know what I mean, so I dialed her number, and handed the phone to the newest Priceline Negotiator.
Reilly the Red, who was engrossed in her new favorite show, Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet, where people (freaks) sleep with crocodiles in their own beds as if they were cute little kitties , actually turned down the volume on the TV, and whispered to me, "Does he REALLY think Aunt Meredith is going to take him to the Bahamas?" I replied, "It appears he does in fact think that." Reilly cracks up, holding her hand over her mouth and then gets serious for a minute and says, "She really can't, Mommy, right?" And I share with Reilly our secret look that means, "Um, hello? We're talking about J A K E, duh!" And she smiled and said, "I thought so. I wonder what she's going to say!"
Well, Uncle Two-Fisted Chris answered the phone. And this is what I 'heard' from the conversation:
Sparrow: Hiiiiiiiii Un-cle, Chrrrrrissssssss.
Uncle Two-Fisted Chris: said something I couldn't hear.
Sparrow: WHO IS THIS? WHO AM I TALKING TO?
And Uncle Two-Fisted Chris said, : Who is THIS? Who is THIS who is calling to talk to MY WIFE?
Sparrow: UNCLE CHRIS! I'm your, I'm your, I'm your....I'm your SISTER's KID! (it seeems that in the midst of the planning for his Bahamian paradise vacation, the Sparrow forgot the meaning of the word 'nephew' for a second)
Uncle Two-Fisted Chris laughed and handed the phone to Aunt Mermaidelicious, aka Aunt Meredith, aka former sparring partner of Jake, but apparently, now his NEW best friend.
Aunt Mer gets on the phone.
The Sparrow says, "Hiiiiii Aunnnnnt Merrrreeeeeddddddittttth"
Anut Mer replies, "Hi Jake. Whassup Buddy?"
And Captain Jake Sparrow lays down his sales pitch:
"Aunt Merrrrreeeddddditttthhhhhh? Could you get tickets for me and my family to go to the Bahamas this week?"
And I gotta give my Sista some credit. For a whole lot of reasons, but for this in particular:
Aunt Mer: "Sure thing, Jake. I'll get right on it."
And Jake's face lights up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree as he holds my phone far away from his face, as if in utter BELIEF, and says, "Mom! She said she's gonna get right on it!"
And he doesn't say, thanks so much, when are we leaving, should I get a passport, or, um, perhaps even a "goodbye Aunt Merrrrrreeeeedddithhhhhhhh, I love you."
Simply hands me the phone, which is filled with exuberant laughter on the other end.
Before she could say anything, I spoke first, telling her that this was all HIS idea, HE wanted to ask her, and HE wanted to ask her RIGHT NOW.
Aunt Mer is still laughing.
She says, "Is he sure he called the right Meredith?" (The other MerIdith in our life is a gazillionaire who loves and adores and spoils my children, but not quite to the point where she takes them on a cruise. And not because she can't afford it, but because she is most definitely afraid that the Sparrow would either jump off the ship, or get 'lost', or make his way to the Bridge. )
I said, "Yes, he said Aunt Merrrreddddiiittthhhh, NOT Miss Merrimuff."
Aunt Mer, "I was certain he either meant to call her, or Aunt Boz, cuz both of them are in a far better condition than ME to send Jake and Co. on a Bahamian cruise". (Aunt Boz is the 'other' favorite aunt who loves and adores her niece and nephew and spoils my children like mad, but has yet to spoil them Bahamian-ly.)
I told her, nope, he had the right 'Aunt', and he was insistent that Aunt Merrrreeedddiithhhhh could get him and his family to the Bahamas in eight seconds flat.
She can't stop laughing.
I'm extremely curious as to when Jake is going to want to call her back to see how her 'working on it' is coming along. And even more curious to see how Aunt Mer gets herself out of 'this' one.
Pretty sure you'll be reading about in the next few days.
While we are still in the United States.
Oh, I've got such an interesting week ahead of me.....
Stay tuned for more Captain Jake Sparrow 101.