Okay, so this Facebook thing has been going round and round and round. I did mine, but anybody who reads this blog has no interest in stories about ME, since there are three real-life pirates in my family who are far more interesting. So I decided to emulate the kids. Here's my take on what Captain Jake Sparrow might say. Reilly the Red's will follow soon.
1). I don't eat. I only snack. Cookies, crackers, fruit snacks. Anything in a wrapper. If they could figure out how to put pork chops and green beans in a wrapper, then I would eat them. I can't get this through to my mom. It's simple really. Just wrap the pork chop, and put it in the damn snack drawer. How hard can that be?
2). I don't like noise. Honestly. Fireworks scare me. But monster trucks don't.
3). Pumpkins make me angry.
4). Bed is boring.
5). I have watched the original Power Rangers movie about 1,327 times. Yesterday, which would have been the 1,328th time, it scared me. Don't know why. Just did.
6). I want to be an eyeball doctor when I grow up. Eyeballs make me laugh. A lot. Most kids say bad words or potty mouth words or tell stupid jokes about bad words or potty mouth words. I'm beyond that. Eyeball. HAHAHAHAHA. Eyeball. ROFLMEO. HAHAHA! Laughing my EYEBALL off! HAHAHAHAHA.
7). I am so darned cute, that girls want to touch me all the time. Ugh. Enough already! Stop touching me! When my Dad takes me to the Rolando Magic games, I always tell him, "Dad, I don't want THEM touching me." And then I walk in the door, and I'm a babe magnet, and there they are. Touching me. Enough already!
8). I love to play the "Guess Who I Am" game with my family. Each of us takes turns imitating a person that we know and everybody else has to guess who they are pretending to be. I'm really good at this game. Because most of the time, they are all pretending to be ME!
9). Okay, so I have a mess addiction. Big freaking deal. Get over it.
10). I am in love with my pediatrician. So madly, deeply, in love, that when I get a paper cut, I INSIST that Mom takes me to see her. She doesn't. She's mean. Which just makes me love Dr. Jill that much more. Sigh.
11). I don't tolerate bullies. Even though I'm really little. I can take those big guys. Especially when they pick on my sister. If she complains to my Dad that somebody's picking on her, I'm like, "Dad, I'll handle this." And I do. I'm awesome at it. Nobody messes with the Captain.
12). Chicks dig me.
13). I am my dad's first mate. On the boat. Born to fish, I was.
14). I like to talk about doing stuff. Like swimming for instance. Everybody else will be swimming in the pool, and I just walk around the perimeter, for hours, saying, "I'm coming in! I am!" So my parents say I'm the Big Talker. It works for me.
15). I don't like showers. I like baths.
16). I get car sick. Bad. My sister thinks I'm faking it to ride in the front seat, but really I'm not. But I might be faking it so that we can take airplane rides when we go on vacation instead of driving. Maybe.
17). I like to sit in 'the hole'. That's the left hand side of my dad's lap. My little tiny butt fits in there quite nicely. We sit in the recliner together, watching the Rolando Magic or monster trucks or American Chopper or family movies. It's MY spot.
18). I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve my Mama. I tell her everyday, "Mama? You look BEEEEEYOUTEEFULL!" And she says it makes her melt. But I have never seen her melt. Not like ice melts.
19). I have no fear. I'm tough. I fall down, but I bounce right back up. It's like I have super powers. No broken bones yet. Mom doesn't get too nervous. She says we have AFLAC. I don't know what the duck has to do with it, but whatever.
20). I RULE my school. If somebody's not doing what they are supposed to be doing, I am on top of it. I have seniority. I've been there longer than the principal for crying out loud. I know my role, but I'm just 'helping' out. Especially when there is a new kid or a new teacher to 'break' in. They need to know how it goes around here, and I am the man to tell them. Problem?
21). I use big words in my sentences. Actually. Disgusting. Reedickiless. They empower me.
22). I have this weird habit of leaving the bathroom door open when I have to go. And I talk to people while I go potty. And then when they go potty, I think it's okay for them to talk to me. I mean really, if you're going to be in there for a few minutes, what's the big deal? There's no TV in there. You're all by yourself. Going potty is boring. So I think it's okay to talk to your friends while you're doing it. I really don't understand all the hullabulloo. Come on people! Broaden your horizons!
23). My sister is my best friend. Do NOT tell her I said that.
24). NOTE to SANTA: I used to like Elmo. But I'm beyond Elmo. I only like cool stuff now. Superheroes and nerf guns and capes and guitars and cap guns and swords and drums and monster trucks and football and baseball and basketball. Thomas the Train? No way dude. It's got to have horsepower and jacked up tires for me to get excited. The little plastic blue 'beep beep' just ain't gettin' it done these days. I'm a big boy now.
25). My sister has a go-kart now. And I'm pissed off and don't EVEN want to talk about it.