Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Vampire Who Never Remembers Anything (and why does this sound like the title of a Veggie Tales movie?)



The Sparrow.


Captain of a ship that never sails.







Five has been AWESOME.


Til this week.

Five has been smooth as molasses.

Pretty as a petunia.

Smart as a whip.


The Sparrow has (ahem --had) turned a corner.

He got smarter, like, OVERNIGHT.

He started getting up in the morning, getting out the cereal, a bowl, a spoon, the milk, pouring it into the bowl, not making a mess.....


You have come to the right blog.

We are talking about the same Captain Jake Sparrow here.

He has been WRITING letters and numbers and his NAME!

And for a minute, just one sixty-second moment in time, I thought, "Thank you God! There is hope for him! He just might graduate......from Pre-K!"





We arrive at yesterday.


(And yes, the Beatles are strumming in my head.)


(And yes, I am stalling.)



Yesterday, the Sparrow BIT one of his very best friends at school.






T-Rex Bitemarks.



His Best Friend Cameron.

Why? How? What were the circumstances?????


Cameron tried to H-U-G the Captain.

So Jake B-I-T Cameron.

On the arm.


Let me just pause for a moment and tell all my readers that Jake has NEVER BEEN A BITER.


Til Yesterday.

So he gets written up at school.

And, for the first time in the history of his school (I'm guessing, here, but I'm probably not very far off), FOUR dots were issued.


Jake is now the Four Dot Wonder.

When he came home and we started talking about it, we of course asked him, "WHY did you BITE Cameron?"

"I don't know."

"I forgot."

"I can't remember."

We went through this for awhile.

And Billy and I realized that he had been so good lately, so super smart, so on his A-game, that this had to be just a weird fluke thing.

Maybe it was because he has a new teacher?

We weren't going to overanalyze it too much, because it just never happened before.

Jake was forced to write an apology note to Cameron.

Trust me when I tell you, this was an herculean task.

And it was probably more painful for us to watch him try to write this note, than it was for him to actually write it.

Every time he wrote down ONE SINGLE LETTER of his apology note, he would come to one of us and say, "Hey! How's my 'D' look? Do you like my 'D'? Did I do a good job on my 'D'?"

Needless to say, it took him 2 hours to write two sentences.

We reiterated his poor behavior at Bible story/bedtime, and I did my darndest to crack into that skull of his that he had done something very wrong, and that he couldn't EVER EVER EVER do it again.

We prayed about it and it was over.

Tomorrow is a new day.


Enter today.




Captain Jake Sparrow arose early, in time with Reilly the Red, and asked if he could 'walk' her to the bus.

The bus stop is at the end of our driveway.

The end of our driveway is two car lengths away from the kitchen table.

It ain't no long walk, if you know what I mean.

Well, since it was FREEZING cold (forty degrees!) outside, and we could see everything from the window, and Reilly the Red is amazingly responsible, AND because our neighbor walks his son, Crazy Head over to our driveway, we didn't have a problem with it.

So the Sparrow has his breakfast, gets himself dressed and all bundled up.

Off they go on their TREK.

Three minutes later.........


Billy Two Swords is opening the kitchen window and screaming the following:





Then I hear Two Swords scream at him again to go back to Crazy Head and apologize.

Crazy Head's Dad is then seen giving the Sparrow 'the business' about punching his kid in the stomach. As he should.

After what seemed like three double overtimes later, the bus finally arrives, takes one of my kids, and the Captain TREKS back 'home'.

When pressed as to why on earth he would punch Crazy Head in the stomach when it was completely UNPROVOKED, The Sparrow said,

"Cuz he was acting all Crazy and stuff, and he was bothering me."

Well, friends, that's why we call him Crazy Head.

But we certainly don't condone our son punching him in the stomach!

Two Swords then gave the Sparrow "the business", and told him that TONIGHT, he would be writing ANOTHER apology note to Crazy Head.

The Sparrow didn't care for that.

No matter.

Off to school they went.

Apparently, upon arriving at school, the Sparrow's victim from yesterday, Cameron, had just arrived with his mother in tow.

The Sparrow handed Victim #1 his apology note, and the mother was very touched, and went on and on about how sweet it was and the Sparrow and His Victim had a hug that did not involve bite marks, and Two Swords breathed a huge sigh of relief and went on about his day.


1600 hours.

The Hurricane and Red go to pick up the Sparrow from school.

The Hurricane is met AT THE DOOR with the following statement:


In the words of Captain Jake Sparrow, I kinda yelled, and I kinda yelled LOUDLY:

"W-H-A-T T-H-E ?????????"


Victim #3.

In less than 24 hours.

Victim #3 was (yes, I use that term, because he may NOT be after today) one of Jake's best friends also.


SWEET Carson.

Bite wound to the back.

No marks, Ma'am.

Happened in the gym.

They were wrestling, Ma'am.

No Ma'am, we have not identified a motive.

No Ma'am, there was no provokation by the Victim.

No Ma'am, there was no retaliation by the Victim.

Yes Ma'am, we have the perpetrator under arrest.

Yes Ma'am, we will release him on his own recognizance, into your custody.



You say you don't want him in your custody?



In the words of the aforementioned Captain, I just don't want to talk about this ANYMORE!

I have been talking and talking and talking and talking about biting for the past SIX hours!

Jake and I met with our Pastor to see if he could elicit some sort of reason for this ridiculously unusual behavior.

Maybe he did.

Jake and I met with Daddy.


That one HURT.


The Sparrow cried and cried and cried and cried about how bad he felt after having the talk with his Dad, that he felt like his heart was BROKEN, REALLY BROKEN, it was BROKEN so bad, it was broken in TWO pieces!

And more crying.

And then there was the news that No, he would not be watching American Idol.


Oh, and of course not, no, he would not be having popcorn either.

And absolutely, positively NOT, No, he could not go to the fun Valentine's Wednesday program at our church.

More flooding.

And then to hear that in addition to Crazy Head's (Victim #2 - assault and battery, potential internal injuries, possible intestinal bleeding) apology note, he would also have to write an apology note to Victim #3, Carson.

Oh, the tragedy. The drama. The pain. The agony.

I got to endure HIM for several more hours, A-L-O-N-E.

We got through the tears.

We got through the broken in TWO pieces heart.

We got the apology notes written.

We got our homework done.

We emptied the dishwasher.

We settled down.

We accepted the No-Idol policy.

We freaked out about the No-Popcorn rule.

We got over it.

We had our pajamas on, and were ready to eat when Two Swords and Red arrived home from church activities with a bag of 99 cent burgers.

We ate all of our cheeseburger, and we ate it QUIETLY. (this might be the most unusual thing that happened all day, in retrospect.)


At eight o'clock, as Two Swords lumbered towards his den, Red hunkered down in her fort, the Hurricane still aflutter at swabbing the deck, the Sparrow retreated to his nest.

And he was quiet.

And still.

And he was coloring.


And still.

At nine o'clock, I asked Two Swords if perhaps he could read the nightly bedtime devotional to his son this evening, as perhaps hearing the Bible from a man's voice might somehow make a difference?

Two Swords obliged.

I left the room.

I had no intention on eavesdropping. (this time....usually I do, but honestly, tonight, I was DONE with the Perpetrator).

Two Swords read the four page story and devotional.

And then they had the talk.



Two Swords said to the Captain, "What in the heck is going on in your head with this biting?"

Captain: "I don't KNOW!"

Two Swords: "Something is! We don't BITE people! You know this! What has happpened?"

Captain: "I don't KNOW!"

Two Swords: "What would make you think it is okay to bite people?"

Captain: "God did."

Oh buoy.




Two Swords: "What?????? God said it was okay for you to BITE people?"

Captain: "No. Jesus did."

Oh buoy.

Two Swords: "WHAT? WHAT are you talking about? GOD told you to bite people?"

Captain: "NO! I said JESUS told me to bite people."

Two Swords: "WHAT?"

Captain (sighing oh so very slowly, deeply, and loudly):

"God told Jesus and Jesus told me."

Two Swords: "Jesus told you WHAT?"

Captain: "God told Jesus and Jesus told me that it was okay to bite people for TWO DAYS."

A most abrupt and utterly pissed off Two Swords replied:

"Well those TWO DAYS are over."

"Good night."

I couldn't run to the laptop any faster than I did.


  1. HA. For two days huh? That kid has got to be the most original comedian I have ever heard I hate that he did it but his reasoning is stellar. two

  2. I feel your pain. That Kid is a biter. I don't know why. I don't know what I can do to get him to stop. He bites at school. He has bit two kids, and his TEACHERS three times. Plus the two kids he bit at church. Maybe That Kid and the Captain can get together and bite each other. Then they'll know how bad it hurts and will both stop (and I truly hope that Jesus tells the Captain that today was the last day of biting!)!!

  3. Oh my. Oh dear. What the heck am I getting myself into?

  4. I found your blog on MckMama and couldn't resist the title! This story is absolutely hilarious! You really brightened my day :)