Tuesday, February 2, 2010

3-D Donuts and the Cure for the Ebola Virus


So the Captain and Reilly the Red and myself shared a 24 hour upper respiratory virus of some sort that lasted for 24 hours, but none of us had it for the same 24 hour period.

Needless to say, children always want their Mama when they are ailing.

The Captain seemed to be at the end of his pathetic sickliness when Reilly the Red started to pick up with it.

She is much easier to deal with (on a whole LOT of levels) so her whining was not so awful bad.

The Captain stayed home from school on Monday, but I didn't know this, as I was volunteering in Reilly the Red's classroom. (No applause necessary, please, just remember to vote for me as Mother of the Year when the time comes.)

When I returned home, there he was, in the same state that I left him in, but allegedly, he was 'sick'.

I wasn't buying it.

It was cold and rainy outside, and my first instinct was that the Sparrow pulled some "I'm sick" nonsense, and Two Swords had a great excuse not to go outside in the rainy cold.

Either way, Inspector Rojo had her majorly doubtful face on.

Two Swords was in the middle of a project, so I overtook the responsibilities of ensuring the Captain did not climb a ladder onto the roof, burn himself with a lighter, or cut off his foot with a chainsaw.

I did a remarkable job at all of the above, I'll have you know.

And then I was busted.

The more time I spent with the Sparrow, the less I doubted he was sick.

And the more time that passed, the sicker he seemed to get.

Man, was I off on this one or WHAT?

I gave him some tylenol and some benadryl, as he was on FIRE with fever, and his nose wasn't runny, it was drippy. I mean, dripping all over the place. I'd wipe it, it would drip some more. He was so cute holding his head out in front of him as he walked, almost strutting like a rooster, and pointing to his nose as he muttered, "Uhhhh.........Tissue!"

So I decided to give him lots of hugs and attention because I felt really badly about doubting that he was sick.

So we laid down together in Reilly's room, and I read him a few of his favorite Bible stories. He was asleep by page 5.

I napped with him.

When we both woke up, The Captain was still burning with fever, and was very cranky.

I moved him to the living room, in Two Swords' recliner, trying to figure out how to work our Roku player without the help of Two Swords.

And that's when I REALLY got all the confirmation I needed that my little Captain Jake Sparrow was really and truly QUITE ILL.

He was sitting in the recliner, under a blanket, STARING at a blank TV screen, not making a single noise. Nope, not even a peep. In fact, I had to check to ensure that he was breathing.

Yeah, if the Captain isn't asleep, and he is quiet for more than a millisecond, he's on his deathbed.

By this time, it is nearing 5 pm, and Reilly the Red is starting to get the same symptoms.


But then again I thought -- HELLO! You don't have a career anymore! It is no big deal if they miss a day of school for being sick! Stop trying to check tomorrow's to do list in your mental job calendar, cause Chiquita, you ain't got NO job! Ain't had NO job in TWO fat years!


I make a quick list to get some medicine for the two of them, as I have no idea what the evening will hold, nor the next day.

By this time, Two Swords has finished his project, and showered, and is able to focus 100% of his attention on the children.

So I head to the store.

On my way there, I called my Handbell Director to tell her that I was horribly sorry (truly, I was, and still am) but that I would not be able to make it to handbell practice that evening, as Jake was really sick and I wasn't sure what was going on with him. It was far too late to get him to the pediatrician, so I was going to have to nurse him myself, symptomatically.

(We as a family have really done our part to attempt to avoid antibiotics as much as possible. Not because we are HEALTH FREAKS, but BECAUSE we are health freaks. I had MRSA several years ago, nearly died from the 10 open craters on my body, one of which was the size and depth of a Dunkin' donut, and had it not been for Dr. Crop, I would be six feet under. I was in the hospital for 10 days, came home with an IV in my arm for another two weeks, giving myself the same antibiotics they give to HORSES, because no other human antibiotics will kill the MRSA bacteria. So we are trying to stay away from antibiotics for our own family's personal reasons, i.e. our Mom sucks because she has this stupid disease that interferes in our life and we are really suffering because of it, but we're cool with not taking the yucky medicine or getting shots.) Wow that was one long seque......

My bell director was disappointed, and rightly so, but I know she understood. She had kids, and she's a grandma, so she gets it, but it just so happens we're practicing a piece that I TOTALLY suck at. Most other pieces I just SIMPLY suck at. Nope, not this one for February. It is TOTAL and COMPLETE and UTTER SUCKAGE. But she gave me a pass and was able to find a sub to fill in for me at practice. Whew.

I got what I needed from the store and the pharmacy, (including dinner), and headed home.

I went from one pirate kid's bedroom to the other pirate kid's bedroom, until about midnight.

They were both LOADED up with medicine and should have been to sleep easy peasy, but there was still a lot of moaning.

I concentrated more on Reilly the Red, as she HAD to go to school the next day. HAD TO. Her class was going to be learning some new math concepts, and it was IMPERATIVE that she go to school, it really was. Not to mention the amount of days that she was out when we were in West Virginia for Grandpa.

So I kept trying to give her biofeedback......."You are going to be fine. Your tummy does not hurt as badly as it did. You really are starting to feel better, I just can tell. Mommy will lay with you as long as you need me to. You are going to feel so much better in the morning. Have I ever told you how beautiful you are? I know your throat hurts, but the medicine is just starting to work and you will feel better very soon and did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?....."

It must have worked.

She woke up this morning, rarin' to go.

The Captain, on the other hand.....

After I left Reilly's room for good, I went into his room, where he was staring blankly at the ceiling, patiently waiting for me (THAT NEVER HAPPENS! OMG MY KID IS DYING FROM THE EBOLA VIRUS!) to return to his room and rub his back and help him blow his nose, and tell him if he has "the Asthma", and give him some water, and read him some Bible stories, and lay with HIM until he fell asleep.

Even after the Tylenol, he was burning up with fever. I kept an eye out for convulsions, as they run in the family. (you've read about Reilly's episodes in the past - scary, but thankfully we've always been around and we know what to do, and we're used to them).

I made the decision right then and there that the Sparrow would be missing school again the next day. I didn't think his fever was going to break, as he had been on Tylenol for 12 straight hours, and it hadn't come down at all. I read the stories, and did the back rub, and helped him blow his nose, and got his humidifier running for "the Asthma" and stayed with him until he went to sleep.

And then, finally, I stopped.

I took my nighttime medicine and headed for bed.

And then it started.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe out of my nose.

Oh crap. Here we go.

I didn't mention anything to Billy Two Swords, I mean, I was staying home with the Captain the next day anyway, what was the point in mentioning that yes, I had Remicade two weeks ago, and was down for a week, and then contracted the infamous Remicade cough (spawned by the 8,000 milligrams of Benadryl that they have to give me which totally dries up my sinuses and naso-you-name-it passageways, and lungs which caused me to be horribly ill and 'down' for another week, and just as I am completely better, I am 'down' again. Dammit!) and now I was sick AGAIN? Why wake him to tell him THAT?

I didn't.

I just suffered the night away.

Slept - ZERO.

Oh, I was doped up with my happy nighttime magical pills, but sleep never came, most likely because I was scared to death that I would suffocate overnight due to my nose becoming completely unbreathable.

I think I finally went to sleep around 5 am this morning.

I was awakened this morning by Reilly the Red. I love it when my kids come in for morning snuggles, but DAMMIT! i just got to SLEEP!, but I didn't let her know that, i just took all the love and kisses she wanted to give.

And she was better, and was up early, and happy, and dressed WAY early, and asked me if I could brush her hair.

ASIDE - if you don't know this by now the above referenced event has never taken place in the life of my beautiful brilliant daughter. She NEVER wakes up early. She NEVER wakes up happy. She NEVER is dressed early. She NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER has asked me to brush her hair. Honestly at this point I am either hallucinating, or I am officially living in the bizarro world.

As I was brushing her hair, Reilly asks me why I sound so funny. I told her my nose was totally stuffed up, that I was sick now just like she and Jake were.

Then Reilly said, "Mommy! Your skin is soooo hot! I almost burned myself on your arm!"


I had the crud. Whatever you want to call it, I now had every symptom the kids did. Except I hadn't begged and whined and asked anybody to take care of me. Moms are way tougher than that.

Then Nurse Reilly the Red felt my forehead and cheeks and neck and throat and diagnosed me with a very high fever. So cute.

And then she gave me an interesting surprise!

Reilly said, "Mommy. Jake is better. He needs to go to school today. You need to stay in bed and rest and get better. And if he tells you he is still sick, he is lying!"


GREAT news! Both kids are better, AND I will probably be better lickety split, all WITHOUT antibiotics! YAY! WOOHOO! YAY! WOOHOO! And I can stay in bed all darn day and Jake won't be here! YAY! WOOHOO! YAY! WOOHOO!

And here comes the Captain.

I am still lying in bed, in the same position I have been in for about six hours, just staring at the ceiling.

The Captain is still in his pajamas, and I have no idea what time it is.

He informs me that he is all better.

I asked, "Can you have Daddy take you to school, then?"


In case you didn't get the subtleties of my husband's messaging, yes, that was YELLING.

So the Captain asks me if I will help him to get dressed.

In my pain and agony and body feeling like it is sunbathing IN the actual sun, the largest star in our solar system, I meekly whimper, 'sure'.

So there goes the Captain, and in comes the Captain.

A thought occurred to me.

"Ummmm. Jake?"

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Last night, when I finally got you to go to sleep, you were still really sick and had a really high fever. And now, this morning, you are fine. You are your normal self, bee-bopping around, causing trouble, making Dad mad, and your fever is gone. I am really confused! I thought you were going to stay home from school today, you were so sick, but now you are all better! What changed?"

Oh dear Lord in heaven, WHY did I ask? I know, friends, I know. Because I'm dumb.

"That's an easy one Mom. I was wearing my 3-D glasses and eating my chocolate donuts in my jammies, and I just got all better, just like that!"

And he was gone, out the door.

Just like that.

I laid back down.

My head was spinning.

Did I just hear my kid say he was wearing 3-D glasses while he was eating his chocolate donuts, and somehow this getup/concoction resulted in a master cure for the Ebola Virus or whatever the heck it is that all of us had/have?

3-D glasses and chocolate donuts?

3-D glasses and chocolate donuts?

I am still shaking my head.

But, alas, it has been 24 hours, and I am better.

No fever.

Back in the saddle again.

And yes, I did have a chocolate donut or two.

And no, I did NOT put on the 3-D glasses whilst doing so.


Captain Jake Sparrow.

That effin kid.




  1. Considering you don't live anywhere near me here in California...you did not have the Humboldt Crud, which is what I usually get at this time of the year. Glad to hear you are better. And I think you DID wear the 3-D glasses.

  2. Chocolate donuts and 3D glasses. That is classic. I love hearing or reading your stories. I always get a good laugh.