Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Turd Ferguson


So, once a week, I volunteer in Reilly the Red's classroom.

I'm an underground pirate.

The kids call me a most boring, "Mrs. Fallon".

They don't know about my sword-fighting skills.

Perhaps they should.

And then things like this wouldn't happen:

On the day that I volunteered in her classroom, Reilly the Red came home from school and went straight to Billy Two Swords and said, "Little Joe Pesci said YOUR WIFE SMELLS LIKE A TURD!"

Two Swords replied, "Well, did she?"

Ha Ha Two Swords, Very Well Done!

Two Swords finds me and says, "Reilly said that Little Joe Pesci said that you smelled like a turd today."

First of all, I was cracking up laughing when he said this.

For one, I'm not saying I have never smelled like a turd in my life, because I'm certain that I have.

Especially if it's one of those days where I'm farting a lot.

But this day was NOT one of those days.

In addition, on this given day, I was NOWHERE NEAR Little Joe Pesci! He didn't get close enough to me to even know if I smelled like my own turds or hamster turds or his turds or freaking daisies for crying out loud.

And what seven year old boy has the nads to go up to a seven year old girl whose MOTHER is an ESTEEMED volunteer at their school, and allege that her mom smells like a turd?

That is just plain.....DUMB!

But then again, we ARE talking about Little Joe Pesci here.

I can't imagine a better nickname for him.

Just imagine Joe Pesci in the Second Grade, and you have nailed this child's face, demeanor, attitude, and future.

Little Joe Pesci.

Yep, that's him.

So what happened next, you're wondering?

Well, future Stanford Grad Defense Attorney Reilly the Red went all Napalm on Little Joe Pesci.

"My Mom Does NOT Smell Like a Turd And I Am Telling On You!"

So she tells on him.

And Little Joe Pesci had to give up all of his sticks.

I still don't what the sticks mean, but if you have to give them ALL away on Monday, it's kinda close to death row in the second grade, but don't quote me on that.

THEN, he had to go sit in "THE HOLE" and write a note to his OWN parents, in his OWN handwriting, detailing the events of his purported crime.

Can you imagine?

Dear Mom and Dad:

Today, at school, I said that our wonderfully awesome volunteer, Mrs. Fallon, who is so kind, and nice, and sorts our papers for us, and sometimes helps us with our reading, and does this out of the kindness of her oh so very large heart, well today, I said that she um, oh yeah, did I mention she wears Tommy Girl, and it suits her and her fabulous red hair quite nicely, well today, I um, I said that she smelled like a turd. Yep. Yeah, that's what I said.

Your son.

Little Joe Pesci


What an awesome consequence!

No sticks, you have to go sit in THE HOLE and you have to write your own note!

And if a certain tattling second grader is telling the truth, he also spent some time in the office.

Just for saying I smelled like a turd!

Honestly, this is the most fun I've had in a long time.

Hasn't bothered me in the slightest.

Because I will be seeing Little Joe Pesci again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And I doubt that Little Joe Pesci has read the Art of War yet.

Oh, but I have.

Know thy enemies better than you know yourself.

Beat your enemy to the battlefield.

Deception is necessary for victory.

It is ON, Little Joe Pesci.

Oh yeah.

It is ON.

Bring it.


  1. ROTFLMAO!!! A few tears falling as well. It's funny how kids are such mean little... you know. I'm glad Little Joe Pesci got what was coming to him.

  2. HAHAHHAHA! You always bring a smile to my face. And good for you for being ready for war. There are just some kids out there who deserve it. Tell Reily The Red great job and I can't wait til she becomes a DA. HAHAHA

  3. HAHA! I am trying to imagine a little Joe Pesci. Hilarious!

  4. Bwahahahahahahaha! Best. Post. Ever.

  5. Did we ever discover if Little Joe Pesci was paying a compliment? LOL

  6. Oh, my Jocelynn, I have loved your sense of humor for 25 years or so, but no, he was not paying a compliment. He may however, have been flirting with my daughter, who thinks of him as an annoying monkey of a boy who never stops talking.
    Worry not, friend, I will be observing Little Joe Pesci/Monkey Boy from a much closer distance in the very near future, and I will be certain to spray myself with skunk pheromones before the tardy bell rings.
    This should not be a problem, as the Infamous Dot Giver owns a pet skunk. I love my friends. And they all have unique talents and treasures for me to cull from, in times of need. Right Ashley? :)