Monday, May 3, 2010

Not Me! Monday

Captain Jake Sparrow does NOT like to make messes.


He is NOT a FABULOUS cleaner of messes.

Seriously, he is NOT.

Captain Jake Sparrow does NOT LOVE to clean up messes, anybody's messes, as long as they are NOT his.

He does NOT get excited when I come home from BJ's or Publix, and I ask him for help putting pantry items away.

He does NOT empty the entire pantry, then put all the new items in the 'back', and he does NOT potentially have a future as a stockboy.


Not my son.

Another task that he does NOT like to do is vacuuming.

NOT at all.

He would NOT rather watch CNN than vacuum.

In fact, he did NOT stop watching Super Hero Sunday, just to vacuum one small rug in the living room.


He did NOT happily bounce off the recliner, mid-MOVIE!

He did NOT try to barter his vacuuming task until the next commercial.


I am telling you, this kid HATES the vacuum cleaner!

He despises it, I tell you.

His hatred for vacuuming runs so deep, that on this particular balmy, May evening, whilst vacuuming the red rug, my brilliant, forward-thinking, inquisitive, NEVER messy son of a brilliant man, did NOT stick the sucking vacuum house into his mouth.


He didN'T.

Nor, of course, did he then put his mouth on the 'return' portion of the vacuum, thereby inhaling and filling his asthmatic lungs with every bit of dog hair, and dander, and regular dirt, and unusual dirt, and foot traffic dirt, and dirt that could NOT be analyzed even if I had an electronmicroscope.

At which point...........the Commanding Pirate of this family, Billy Two Swords, who had instructed the young Sparrow to help out with the dirt removal, was NOT completely and utterly disgusted by what he saw the Sparrow doing.  He was NOT at his wit's end.
He was NOT questioning why on earth his son was breathing dirt, eating dirt, playing with dirt.....

Two Swords was NOT so perplexed in fact, that he did NOT scream out in exasperation:

"Sometimes I wonder if you are NOT even human!"


NOT my son.

NOT my husand.

NOT my pirate family.

We are NOT far too normal for anything like this to NOT happen!

No way!


  1. OMGrossness...but yet still funny. I use to put the vacuum sucker thing on my check to make that circle. Silly kid choices. LOL