Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Children of the Corn



Two weeks ago, we Scallywags were honored to be guests at Morticia's, I mean Marguerita's wedding.

Morticia, I mean, Marguerita, and I have been BFF's since, well, Olivia Newton John was at the top of the charts, if youknowhatimeanverne.

I can't stop calling her Morticia because her new name is Adams, and well, you know me, and I just can't help myself sometimes.  I never know when to shut my piehole, according to Two Swords.  Hmmmm.  Sounds like another pirate I might be acquainted with.....

Where was I?  Apopka!  Yes!  Apopka!  The wedding~

It was a glorious event, and will recieve it's own posting, with pictures and of course, the usual mix of snide comments and oozing compliments.

But I gotta tell the 'after-party-party' story.

We left the soiree and headed home at 10 pm. 

Reilly the Red, who just started to come out of her shell at 930, and let loose and meet a ton of girls her age, and actually DANCE, and who put up a bit of a protest at leaving 'so early', but was not inappropriate with her protest, just said, "Really?  It's time to go already?  I was JUST starting to have A LOT of fun!", well THAT pirate was asleep at the click of her seat buckle.

The Captain, who interestingly had on the same color scheme as another boy in attendance, who had fun the minute he got there, who tried to breakdance on his head on concrete, who took his shoes off (with other boys, I can't just out 'him') and decided to run and slide down a very shiny wooden floor hallway, who literally tried to beat a smitten 5 year old girl off with a stick, who asked the DJ to play "Ho-zay Qwherevo You are a friend of mine" (not at the behest of his mother, oh no that would NEVER happen), who, during the processional of the wedding actually turned around in his chair and SHUSHED a four year old girl (AS IF!), well THAT pirate put on his headphones and watched a video at the click of the buckle, and blinked the sleep away.

THIS pirate sat in the front passenger seat and tried to download to our chauffeur, Billy Two Swords, who the heck all those seven sisters were and who this was and who that was, because, other than the bride, who he knows very well, and one of the sisters and her husband, he was pretty much flying blind at the wedding.


On the ride TO the wedding, Two Swords said, so who am I going to know there except for Morticia and her sister and Mr. Snap?

And I very forebodingly said, "Oh, I am certain you will run into someone you know, Mr. Most Popular Guy On Earth Who Saw Somebody He Knew In The Middle of Times Square in New York City During New York Marathon Week".

And my prediction was absolutely true when Two Swords hit the open bar for one cocktail and two Sprites and looked at the bartender and said, "Hey!  I know you!", at which point said bartender came out of the bar, to the 'other' side and offered high fives to the pirate family, as he is Mr. Gump's son, and is not typically a bartender two counties away.  So, once again, I maintain my contention that one is more likely to be six degrees from Billy Two Swords, than Kevin Bacon.  As for Mr. Gump - he comes by our house from time to time to pull his false teeth out of his mouth and totally freak out the pirates.  All FOUR of the pirates.  But we love him for other reasons too.

Backtrack - false teeth, Gump Jr, Billy Two Swords.....right!  The ride home!

It was a beautiful night, we had a great time, and we were all pretty whooped from baseball early that morning, a bit of chores in the afternoon, and BOOM the wedding.

Our drive home should have taken approximately forty minutes.

The weather was clear, the roads were barren, Two Swords was sober as can be, and my reminiscing piehole continued to runneth over.

As we exited off of a toll road ramp, and ended at a stoplight, (one pirate asleep, one pirate quietly watching a movie, one pirate running her reminiscent piehole, and one very quiet pirate very safely operating a family vehicle), Two Swords rolled his window down.

Three lanes away, an EXTREMELY large man has EXITED his EXTREMELY large truck and starts heading directly towards our family vehicle (um, there's an Alvin and the Chink-munks DVD clearly playing in the middle of the car).

It wasn't until I 'heard' him that I said, "Oh  buoy."

The words "Dumb, drunk, redneck" do not do this individual justice.  In fact, I'm probably insulting some dumb drunk rednecks when I try to offer a comparison.  And I'm reallllly trying to be nice here.

This guy was huge.  And inebriated.  And balded.  And inebriated.  And loud.  And tattooed.  And profane. 

And when I say profane, I mean, well, he is using words that THIS pirate has never uttered, even though she used to be a foul mouthed sailor before she was a foul mouthed pirate.

Out of NOWHERE, this BEASTLY BEHEMOTH BRAZENLY and ILLEGALLY exits his MONSTER truck and hightails it to our car, yelling and screaming and threatening Two Swords the entire way.

I shut my piehole.

Jake throws down the headphones.

Reilly wakes up.

Two Swords is silent.

The light turns green, and we turn right.

The BEASTLY BEHEMOTH had been in the far left turn lane, of a four lane highway off-ramp.

I thanked God that he was thankfully gone.

Yeah, right.  As if any of THAT would warrant a Pirate blogpost.

Oh-ho-ho- nooooooo.

To illustrate his insanity, the BEHEMOTH endangered Lord only knows how many lives that night, as he crossed over those four lanes of traffic and did his very best to incite Two Swords into a potentially deadly state of road rage conflict.

As we are now on a TWO lane road, this BEHEMOTH, still shouting expletives out of his open window, though all of ours are now sealed, but the BEAST was so loud, you could have heard him back in Apopka.

Or Ohio for that matter.

I whisper to Two Swords, "What did YOU do?"

Two Swords, who used to be a race car driver, (yep, it's true, I got pictures!  Doesn't that just make him even sexier?  Forearms, race car driver, a bit of a haunted past - just enough to be a 'bad boy' once upon a time, totally sexy bald head, gorgeous blue eyes, rough hands that tell the tale of a hard-working man.....yum.), attempting to safely and deftly navigate our 'family' vehicle, replied, "I guess this guy thinks I cut him off, but I didn't."

Which makes the BEHEMOTH even more BEASTLY and BRAZEN.  I'm not even using the word redneck anymore as a description, because that would make US rednecks and a whole gazillion of other rednecks look bad.  Let me try really hard to be a Christian here - this individual, to us a stranger, clearly made one or a dozen bad choices on this beautiful April Saturday evening.

His pursuit, no, his INTENTION to wreck our car, at the expense of his own, and his profound sense of voluntary endangerment began to frighten the bejesus out of all four pirates.

As the hair rises on the back of my neck, I begin to feel as if I am in the middle of a Stephen King horror story.

Two Swords remained silent.  Focused only on getting his family home safely.  To which I give him the ultimate thanks and praise, BECAUSE, in a former life, Billy Two Swords would have exited his vehicle way back at the four lane off ramp and proceeded to successfully pummel the BEAST, even though the BEAST outweighed Two Swords by about a hundred pounds, and outlengthed Two Swords by at least a foot.

Now, if you have had the pleasure of meeting Billy Two Swords, you know I speak the truth.  Billy Two Swords is a total BADASS.  Yep. Has never backed down from a fight.  Has incited his share of fights.  I have seen with my OWN eyes that this pirate of mine is NOT one to mess with.  No doubt about it.  And although it's ancient history, he has had his share of  'unsafely exit the car and begin road rage incident now' incidents.

But on this beautiful yet frightening warm April night, Two Swords became an even BIGGER BADASS.  But in a whole other way.

He did not exit the car.

He did not wind his window down and engage in profanity-laced screams.

Perhaps for the first time EVER, my awesome pirate husband, Billy Two Swords, navigated the vehicle like a MAN.  Like a MAN trying to protect the lives of his wife and children.  Fighting all the adrenaline his kidneys were releasing, Two Swords was focused on his mission:  Get home safely.

Keep in mind, we are still being chased and taunted, and we are clearly in danger and in need of assistance.

The BEAST is behind us, then to the LEFT of us on a TWO lane road, then he is in FRONT of us, trying to get Two Swords to play chicken, then he gets on the RIGHT of us.

On the right of us is nothing but the shoulder of the road, trees, brush, and ME.

Upon realizing that neither Two Swords nor I brought our cell phones to the wedding (and we have the names of COPS in our cell phones, hello!), I decide to roll my window down and loudly but passionately exclaim, "THERE ARE BABIES IN THIS CAR!  PLEASE STOP!"

This just incited the BEAST.

He went back ACROSS the TWO lane road and tried to sideswipe us.

Again.  Why?  Biting my tongue and saying - because he made some bad choices.  But YOU know what I REALLY want to say.

Two Swords rolls HIS window down and screams, "MAN!  I got MY KIDS in this CAR!  SETTLE DOWN!"

Another red light.


Yep, the BEASTLY BEHEMOTH is out of his Monster Truck again.  Screaming expletives so rarely heard, that my non-Virgin-eared, non-earmuffed children have NEVER heard uttered.  And we live in Redneck country.   And they've been to college football games and NASCAR races.  And their parents have been construction workers for a very long time.  Yeah, they've heard 'some' words before.  And even utttered 'some' words before, which resulted in lecturing and consequential punishment.  But right now?  At this minute?  My two little petrified pirates are attempting to decipher the language of the BEAST.

As the light turned green, and the BEASTLY BEHEMOTH re-entered his MONSTER truck, his BRAZENNESS took me completely by surprise.

The BEAST passed our vehicle, on the left, of a two lane country road, in the middle of nowhere, and PARKED it, just BEGGING for Two-Swords to T-bone him.

Billy Two Swords went back into race car driver mode, somehow, by the grace of God, veered off to the right shoulder of the road, and passed the BEAST with nary a nick, nor a flat.

(An aside to my in-laws, near and far, dearly departed or still with us - be thankful of those days he drove like a maniac - he saved our lives as a result of cutting his teeth on those crazy two lane West Virginia mountain roads.)

We are out of the jaws of the BEAST.

Two Swords' eyes dart from sideview mirror to windshield to rearview mirror back to sideview mirror, a thousand times a second.

There is complete silence in the car.

Two Swords whispers to me:  "Where's the closest fire station?"

He knew where it was, but he was focused solely on getting his family to safety, so I whispered the location to him.

He nodded.

If my husband hadn't already 'known his role' as husband and father before this night, he certainly learned it and knew it on that Saturday night in April.

Eyes still darting, Two Swords whispers to me - "He's gone."

I still haven't taken a breath.

This whole um, 'adventure', has taken place over a period of three minutes.

I silently wonder if this BEAST is armed.

We are not.

But we might start packin', very, very soon as a result of this wonderful life-affirming experience.

I silently wonder if this BEAST is stalking us without his lights on.

I silently wonder if this BEAST has written down our license plate number, or the words on the frame surrounding our license plate which clearly state the name of our church.

I silently wonder, if this BEAST finds us, finds our home, dear God what happens NEXT?

Two Swords whispers to me again, as we are within two miles of our home, our blessed Sanctuary, the one with cell phones and computers and um, ammo....

"He's gone.  He turned around at such-and-such."

I do not question the veracity of his statement.  Perhaps moreso than at any other time in our marriage, I'm leaving this one up to the MAN.  He knows what he's doing, and he knows what he needs to do, and he proved it to me once again that he KNOWS HIS ROLE.  Husband, father, man of God, no longer chained to the falsity and sin of revenge or one-upping.

Silence in the car.

The children are still petrified.

So am I.

I whisper to Two Swords - "say something to the kids."

Two Swords said, "He's gone.  It's okay.  I'm sorry you had to see all that, and I'm sorry you heard some really bad words.  But look.  There's Walgreens.  We're almost home."

Reilly the Red expresses her fears - what if he comes back, what if he brings friends with him, what if he has a gun, what if what if what if and WHY was he doing and saying those things?

I try to reassure her - "Honey, we're almost home.  We will be safe.  Daddy will get us home."

Finally, we hear from the Captain.  YO HO YO HO.

"I gotta tell you something, Dad.

I gotta tell you,

that it really made me mad

when THAT guy

told you to

F--K him."

We didn't correct him.  We silently allowed him to express his anger, even though he said the 'F' word.

The Captain continues, of course.


That doesn't even make any SENSE!

How are you supposed to F--K him?

That guy was STUPID."

Again, we say nothing.

As we turn at the last light, so very close to home......the Captain says,

"Where was the C O R N anyway?"


Jake, what are you talking about?

"That guy.  That stupid guy who was screaming about the corn.  Where was the corn?"

Jake?  What corn?  That scary guy never said anything about corn.

"Yeah!  He did!

He told Daddy to SUCK HIS COBS.

He told Daddy that Daddy was a COBSUCKER."




"And I want to know where the corn is.

Cuz I like corn."


And as I thank and praise God for getting us home safely, the Jakester brings us back to reality at the exact time that Two Swords pulls into our driveway.

Another day, or night, in the lively lives of the pirates........




1 comment:

  1. Just remembered that I hadn't checked to see if there was any new Poop in My Pocket... LOVE the way you expressed this. I felt it all over again. What a man you have!!