The Abyss

~

Or to be more precise, The Internet Abyss.

That is where we have been since July 1st.

On vacation.

In The Internet Abyss.

And The Facebook Abyss.

And The Cell Phone Abyss.

And The Email Abyss.

And even, for three days when a telephone pole fell down up the hill, in The Landline Abyss.

But alas, we escaped from The Abyss for a few hours today.

I have twelve more miles to go until I plunge back into the Abyss.

Not nearly long enough to post seven days worth of Captain Jake Sparrow stories.

But I assure you, there are most definitely seven days worth of said pirate's stories.

And even a near-fatal injury story to boot (NOT involving the Captain, believe it or not).

I also have a story about crucifixations that allegedly take place in The Abyss.

And Bill's Wife stories.

And Grover stories.

So, yes, there are blogs to come.

In the next few days, we will escape the Abyss entirely, and move on towards our next challenging destination.

Stay tuned.....

PS - thank GOD for Blackberries. And I don't mean the fruit. And if only I could remember the name of the sweet man from T-Mobile who spent exactly 58 minutes with me on the phone today, getting me out of the Abyss....

Three miles to go, and I'm back in the Abyss...

I'll catchya later Bloggies.

The Hurricane is still alive and well!

~

Hawk

~

~

New Friend

~

Ahhhh the Captain.

ME: "How was your last day of summer camp today Jake?"

Sparrow: "I was only in timeout for two timeouts."

ME: "Why were you in two timeouts."

Sparrow: "Because (head bobbing side to side whilst hew was relating the story) I wasn't listening on the playground and ugh I wasn't listening blah blah blah."

(The blah blah blahs were not used by me for effect. They are directly quoted from the Captain)

ME: "Oh. Okay. Did you have a better day after you got out of your two timeouts?"

Sparrow: "Yep Hey Mom today I met a new boy in my class and he is my new friend and his name is Jordan."

Clearly Captain Jake Sparrow's high school English teacher will have to spend extra time working on his run-on sentences.

But I digress.

ME: "Wow, Jake, that's cool. So when you get back from vacation, maybe he will be in your new class?"

Sparrow: "Yeah, maybe Mom. I told him that whenever he gets big I'm gonna kick his butt."

Huh?

~

Not Me Monday courtesy of MckMama!

Yesterday morning,

as our CONTEMPORARY worship session was about to begin,

Captain Jake Sparrow did NOT....

hold up a VHS tape of a Power Rangers movie,

and excitedly scream at the top of his lungs,

"Hey MOM!

Josh said I could watch his movie with him in the nursery,

while the OLD people have their church."

His exclamation was NOT met with shock, horror, and lots of laughter.

And NO one asked, "How did he know that mostly OLD people do NOT go the 11 am service?"

To which I did NOT respond,

"Ummmmm. I did NOT tell him."

~

Evolution

~

Can anyone tell me how this....

brilliant.....

artistic......

funny........

sensitive......

creative...

thoughtful...

loving....

beautiful....

inspiring....

miraculous....

stunning...

near perfection of a daughter has evolved into this?

Oh wait, I know the answer.....

SEVEN.

And I'm not talking about the Brad Pitt serial killer and the seven deadly sins movie.

~

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

~

Fire Escape?

~

Okay, so I got this story secondhand, but it sounds right.

Allegedly, at VBS tonight, Captain Jake Sparrow and his cohort, B, were asked the following question:

"If there was a fire at your house, what is the one thing you would take with you when you got out of your house?"

Allegedly, B answered, "Tinnius", which I am told is the name of one of his Webkinz or Wonderpets or something. (Again, I am repeating a story I heard while 10,000 jacked-up-on-sugar-and-Jesus children were running around screaming and begging not to have to go home).

And then, Allegedly, Captain Jake Sparrow was asked the exact same question:

"If there was a fire at YOUR house, Jake, what is the thing you would take with you when you got out of your house?"

To which a smirky Captain responded, "My Pinn-ee-uss!"

Okay, this may sound really funny to all of you, but I promise you, The Captain has never used the word 'penis' in our house.

I know, I know, good parents use the real names of the body parts, but as has been proven hundreds of times in the past, we are not good parents.

The operative word for the Captain's 'unit' is "pee-pee".

Why he decided, today, at VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL to use the word 'penis' is beyond me.

And why he would think that he had to grab it in a fire when leaving his house also confuses me.

Seriously - this is the kid who whips it out and pees in the front yard, in the back yard, on the car tires, wherever. He knows it's ATTACHED.

To say I am perplexed is an understatement.

But the leader of tonight's VBS 'Turtle' group certainly enjoyed the nonsense that is Captain Jake Sparrow.

Miss Teri, I am happy you were entertained by my son - you are welcome.

I think.

~

Ga-RATE

~

Today, my oh-so-grateful-and-never-cranky SEVEN year old got a haircut.

As usual, Miss Theresa did a fabulous job, and Reilly the Red looks like a rockstar.

As I got out my wallet to pay for the haircut, Miss Theresa said, "Nope! It's my belated birthday gift to her!"

I thanked her most graciously, as did Reilly.

As we get in the car and Reilly shuts her door, she says, "Ga-RATE! Now I have to write another damn thank-you note."

Oh the joys of parenthood.

~

Tell Everybody In Charge

~

This is the first year that the Reilly the Red and Captain Jake Sparrow have ever attended VBS (Vacation Bible School), because when we had careers we just couldn't work it out with our schedules.

So we weren't sure what they would think of it, but we committed to it nonetheless.

This is the VBS feedback that came from Red and The Captain this evening, when I picked them up at 830 pm.

On the way home, they were CRYING because VBS ended too early.

I asked them what time they thought VBS should end.

Reilly, (through the drama and the tears), said TEN O'CLOCK.

I said, "Really? That late?"

She said, "Yes! It is ending way too early. We are having fun and then it has to stop and we have to go home. WAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAA"

I asked her what she would like me to do about it.

She said, (And I Quote), "I want you to email everybody who is in charge of VBS and ask them if they can make it go until TEN O'CLOCK."

I chuckled to myself, but told her I would email "everybody who is in charge."

So I would surmise that this year's VBS is a huge success if I have to drag my kids home screaming and crying and begging to stay another hour and a half.

They don't even do that when we go to Chuck E. Cheese.

~

Guess What!

~

When Captain Jake Sparrow says to me,

"Hey Mom! Guess What!",

I get scared.

When Captain Jake Sparrow says to me,

"Hey Mom! Guess What I FOUND?",

I get REALLY scared.

When Captain Jake Sparrow says to me,

"Hey Mom! Guess What I Found Under My Bed That Is REALLY DISGUSTING?",

I take a Valium.

So.

Guess

What

The

Captain

Found

Under

His

Bed

That

Is

Really

Disgusting?




A pair of blue wonderwears with poop in them.



Old poop.

Old, crusty poop.

Old, crusty, crumbly poop.

Old, crusty, crumbly, fossilized poop.

Lord only knows how long those wonderwears were under his bed.

But I just don't care.

'Cuz the Valium has kicked in.

~

But God Had A Plan

~

Seven years ago today, I witnessed a miracle.

A seven pound, six ounce, red haired, blue eyed, beautiful baby girl emerged from my womb.

A HEALTHY, beautiful, baby girl.

My real life friends know this story, but I am certain they won't mind hearing it again.

Quite honestly, I never had a desire to be a mother.

I never had a desire to be a wife.

I was meant for greatness.

I was meant to be a show-stopping, life-changing, rule-breaking, feminist, liberal, career woman.

But God had a plan.

He sent a guy named Two Swords my way.

And I fell in love.

And I wanted nothing more than to be Mrs. Two Swords, and the mother of a couple of pirates.

And the clock started ticking.

And then I got Crohn's Disease.

But God had a plan.

And then we got married.

And then my new husband of four months had a heart attack.

But God had a plan.

And then I had emergency surgery to have nine feet of my guts removed.

But God had a plan.

And then we had problems conceiving.

But God had a plan.

We considered adoption.

But God had a plan.

Did you hear me?

God had a plan.

I got pregnant.

But God had another plan.

At 10 weeks, I contracted the Fifth Disease.

The Fifth Disease is no big deal. It's like a cold or a flu or something. And they call it the Fifth Disease because it is lumped in with measles, mumps, chicken pox, something else...and then there were FIVE.

The Fifth Disease is no big deal.

Unless you are pregnant.

Welcome to Fallon's Law - something will ALWAYS go wrong. Not if. WILL.

But God had a plan.

I was already a high-risk pregnancy due to the Crohn's Disease. I was doing pretty well up until this point.

My baby would not survive, I was told.

Even though I had exhibited no symptoms from the Fifth Disease, the baby had contracted it in utero, and the baby was in grave danger. Something to do with the blood, the brain, the lungs. I can't even remember it all. It feels like a dream now.

I was at the OB/GYN every week, and I was at the HIGH-RISK maternal fetal specialist every week as well.

Each appointment, each ultrasound, was met with furrowed brows.

But God had a plan.

The baby had a heartbeat.

The baby was growing.

That's all they could tell me.

Oh, yeah, and that 'it' probably wouldn't make it.

But God had a plan.

We found out we were having a girl.

We had named her on the day I found out I was pregnant - Reilly Nicole Fallon.

At 22 weeks, I began to go into premature labor.

I was put on bedrest.

For a long time.

My uterus was contracting constantly.

But God had a plan.

At 30 weeks, I was dilated 5 cm, and I was admitted to the hospital to be put on bedrest there, as well as to be monitored 24-7, and be given all that fun stuff like magnesium and turbutelin, the fetal fibernectin test, and who knows what else....I can't remember, it's like a dream.

And all this time, the doctors keep telling me, she has a heartbeat, and she is growing, but we're worried about her lungs and her brain and her blood, and oh by the way, she probably won't make it.

But God had a plan.

At 36 weeks, I had an amniocentesis to determine if our baby girl's lungs were 'sustainable'.

The test came back positive.

We went home.

And we waited.

And God had a plan.

And all the while, as I had been for months, I am contracting less than 2 minutes apart.

And all the while, I, Heather J. Fallon, never doubted for one second that my baby was going to make it.

I knew with all of my heart and all of my soul, that she would be okay.

I knew that God had a plan.

I just knew it.

I never doubted Him.

I knew there were hundreds, if not thousands of prayer warriors out there, praying for our precious little baby girl.

I was so at peace with the whole process.

Call it what you will, I choose to call it a miracle.

Two weeks later, on June 22nd, 2002, at 840 pm, against all medical odds, I gave birth to a PERFECTLY healthy, beautiful, red-haired, blue eyed, baby girl.

There was nothing wrong with her brain.

There was nothing wrong with her blood.

There was nothing wrong with her lungs.

And therein lain God's plan.

To show me the miracle.

To show us the miracle.

To show all who were willing to hear, willing to see the miracle.

And now, seven years later, I am sharing the miracle of Reilly Nicole Fallon with all of you.

To know her is to love her. You can't not.

She is beautiful.

She is spunky.

She is HEALTHY.

She is funny.

She is sensitive.

She is brilliant.

She is sassy.

She is a lover of God.

She is wise beyond her years.

She is artistic.

She is all of these things, and so many more.

She is HERE.

She is my daughter.

The only daughter I will ever have.

My firstborn.

My FIRST miracle baby.

Happy Seventh Birthday, Reilly!

Thousands of people are thinking of you today and wishing you a Happy Miracle Birthday!

That is how especially miraculous you are.

Mashed Potato Martini Bar

~

We celebrated Reilly the Red's 7th birthday party yesterday.

Her menu request consisted of the following:

• Kentucky Fried Chicken (and it had to be 'in buckets')
• Carrots and ranch dip
• A Mashed Potato Martini Bar
• Ice cream cones (no cake)

The Mashed Potato Martini Bar was a HUGE hit. Especially with the parents! They thought it was really cool and inventive. It wasn't an original idea. We stole it. Like we do most great ideas!

The Captain was offered a very sweet 'sorry-it's-not-your-birthday-but-we-still-love-you-so-here's-a-consolation-prize':

There were lots of giggling girls having tons of fun. I wish I could share the pictures of the swimming and the ice cream coning on the playground, but I forgot to get permission from the parents to post those pics on the internet. Yeah, I'm dumb. So you're stuck with pics of my kids.

Reilly got lots of great presents, and a much desired American Girl doll from her mom and dad.

And The Captain had fun as well. He swam, and he played, and he enjoyed being the only 'dude', and of course, loved eating tons of candy from the pinatas.

I was really proud that Reilly read every single card that was given to her, that she didn't just get into the presents and rip the paper to shreds. She is starting to exhibit that maturity that comes with being SEVEN!

And MY favorite part of the day? After everyone had left, and we cleaned up the big mess, and we all had our jammies on, and we were trying on our new American Girl outfits, and Reilly the Red came to me and said, "Mommy? Thank you so much for all the hard work you did to put my party together. It was the best birthday EVER."

And then I forgot how tired I was! Just like THAT!

"Mom? When is it going to be MY birthday?"

~

Something New

~

For some strange reason (probably because she is about to turn SEVEN in a matter of minutes), Reilly the Red has been regressing a bit.

I won't go into detail regarding her sinful behavior, but let's just say that we are walking down a road that we have walked before, and we have also started a journey we hadn't been expecting quite yet.

And that's all I have to say about that.

But I will tell you this:

Whenever Captain Jake Sparrow cries or screams, Reilly the Red screams at the top of her lungs,

"I DIDN'T DO ANYthing!"

Which means, of course, that she was the cause of the injury or insult.

My college diploma has been under my bed for eons.

I hung it up today.

She is always asking me how I know when she is lying, or how I know when she is sucking her thumb in another room, or how I know what she is thinking.

So now, all I have to do is point to my diploma, which clearly states that I have a degree in PSYCHOLOGY.

She asked me what psychology meant, and I told her that it meant that I know EVERYTHING.

She believes me.

For now.

~

One-Eyed Fred

~

I think you've met Fred before.

But since I'm still such a technical dummy and STILL don't know how to embed links, meet Fred again.

Last week, we had some friends over.

They aren't pirates. And I haven't figured out what they are exactly, like cowboys, or surfers, or what. I can tell you that they are lots of FUN.

The kids names are Wyatt Earp, and his twin sisters, Hannah Montana and Miley C.

Captain Jake Sparrow ADORES Wyatt Earp.

And of course, Reilly the Red aspires to be as cool and hip as Hannah and Miley, especially since she gets TWO sets of all of their hand-me-downs, and the three of them share the same 'hippy chick' fashion sense.

So the grown-ups were having fun in the kitchen, just you know, being grownups and talking about 'boring' stuff.

And the kids were swimming.

And golfing.

Yes, golfing.

We have quite a large front yard, and Wyatt Earp brought his golf clubs with him.

And Captain Jake Sparrow is so excited about learning how to play golf.

And Fred loves to chase balls.

Any kind of ball.

You could throw a ball until your arm fell off, and Fred would fetch the ball AND your arm.

For hours upon hours upon hours.

So the boys got tired of swimming, or got tired of the silly girls, and got out of the pool and started to hit some balls in the front yard.

Well........

Accidents happen.

They just do.

May I just interject and say that they should institute AFLAC policies for dogs?

I digress.

Wyatt Earp took his driver, and with a really big swing, hit a golf ball.

And Fred decided to fetch.

At a 2" range.

Needless to say, Fred now has a pirate name.

One-Eyed Fred.

He still looks exactly the same as he does in the above picture, 'cept he can only see out of one eye.

When I heard about the accident, immediately after it happened, I swear to you, my first thought was:

"Dammit! Why couldn't this have happened to Jake? We have insurance! And we have AFLAC! An ambulance ride to the emergency room for an eye injury could have netted us TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! Oh. Are you okay Fred?"

And poor Wyatt Earp.

He felt so badly.

It so wasn't his fault.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

It was an accident.

Wyatt Earp even called our house a couple of times to check on Fred's condition, and to apologize over and over and over again. I told him each time that Fred was going to be okay, and that it was an accident and it wasn't his fault.

Actually, it worked out pretty great, because Fred needed a pirate name.

So....

A big thank you to Wyatt Earp for helping us come up with One-Eyed Fred!

~

S-E-X

~

So we have tried the 'sleepover' thing with Reilly the Red.

Hasn't worked out so well.

Not quite sure why.

Maybe it's just too early.

But we are not going to try again until she is 13.

And here is why.

The last sleepover she had at our house was with a girl several years older.

It seemed like everything went just fine.

No one cried, or whined, or complained, or asked to go home early or asked to send someone home early.

The next day, after our little friend went home, I was emailing my BFF, Miss Merrimiff.

I started chuckling at one of the emails I got, as Miss Merrimiff was writing about a new 'boy' she met.

Reilly the Red asked me, "Whatcha laughing at Mommy?"

I replied, "I think Miss Merrimiff might have a new boyfriend."

Reilly the Red then put me into cardiac arrest when she asked,

"Are they going to have S-E-X?"

(And yes, she spelled it out S-E-X, just like that. She never said the word.)

I whipped my head around like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist", sans the chunky, green vomit.

She knew she had said something REALLY provoking.

I dug deep into the recesses of my aging brain to locate tips from child psychology, Growing Kids God's Way, and CPR classes.

"Don't Panic, Stay Calm, Pray, Assess the Damage."

All at the same time that the other part of my brain is screaming, "Where the HELL is this child's FATHER at a time like this????"

I took a deep breath and asked Reilly, "Do you know what S-E-X is?"

She said, "Yep."

I said, "Okay, what is it?"

She said, "Naked kissing"

Yeah, I wasn't prepared for that one.

I said, "Anything else?"

She said, "Naked wrestling"

I said, "Hmmmmmmm."

She said, "Are you mad?"

I said, "No, but I would like to know who told you about this."

She told me it was the little girl who had left our home several hours earlier.

I said, "Okay."

She wanted to make sure that neither she nor the little girl were in trouble.

I assured her that they were not in trouble.

And then I told her to sit down, that we were going to have a talk.

People, this child is SIX years old.

Call me naive, but I was not prepared for this discussion for several more years.

Then again, I wasn't prepared for my four year old son to get frustrated with 'morning wood' so clearly I am on the dumb side of the parenting scale.

But, what was I going to do?

Lie to her?

Not tell her?

Let it go and bury my head in the sand and pretend it never happened?

Nope.

She sat down, and I told her.

Everything.

In words that a six year old would understand.

And I EMPHASIZED that this was something that ONLY takes place between a husband and a wife and it is a COVENANT (she knows what that means) between the husband and the wife and GOD and it is something that little girls should NEVER be talking about, and is NOT something that she and JAKE would ever pretend to do and it is NOT something that she should be thinking about or worrying about or talking about and she if she ever heard her friends talking about it, she had an OBLIGATION to tell them they were discussing something INAPPROPRIATE and they should stop.

She had a horrified look on her face.

I mean HORRIFIED.

Like I was suggesting tonight-for-supper-we-are-having-roaches HORRIFIED look.

And then she stammered, "YOU........ and........... DADDY ..........do ...............THAT?"

I threw up in my mouth a little. Wasn't prepared for that one either.

I composed myself, and dug deep into my brain for the right answer.

I told her it was none of her business nor anyone else's what me and daddy do and when we do it, that she just needed to concern herself with her own business.

She asked me if we were done.

I said we were.

And she RAN out of the room.

And I RAN to find Two Swords.

And I went off on him!

And told him how difficult it was for me to have the conversation, and I probably totally screwed it up and why should I have to have all these conversations and he never does...yada yada yada.

And Two Swords said (with the same level of horror that Reilly had) "You told her THAT?"

"EWWWWWWW!"

And he shivered in disgust.

And I don't think we had 'relations' for months afterwards.

But....................the subject of S-E-X has not come out of Reilly's mouth since!

I'm counting this one a W-I-N.

~

Here She Goes AGAIN

~

I took the kids to the local library the other day.

It was their first time.

Yes, they are four and six.

And yes, I know I'm a horrible mother for not introducing my children to the joy, culture, and novelty of borrowing books from a public institution that all of us taxpayers provide them.

Blah Blah Blah.

Yeah, I KNOW!

But that's not the story!

So settle down SAHM's, Settle down! I'm still new at this!

So we're at the library.

I told the kids they could pick out five books EACH.

So they went picking.

And Captain Jake Sparrow picked this book, all on his own.

Handcups

~

I know that there are those of you out there who think I make this stuff up.

Unfortunately, I cannot take a picture of what just happened, because some home-schooling liberal whackjob will have me arrested for child pornography.

But I assure you, this really did just happen.

And as it happened, Reilly the Red said, "MOM! You have GOT to BLOG this! You HAVE to!"

So here it goes.

Captain Jake Sparrow was supposed to be putting his jammies on. Gosh I think I have written this exact sentence eleventy thousand times.

The next thing we hear is a jingly jangly sound coming down the hallway.

Sparrow turns the corner, and all I see is naked.

And Billy Two Swords starts laughing his head off.

Two Swords says, "What the heck?"

And the Captain says, "I can't get them OFF!"

Two Swords says, "Go show your mother."

And Reilly the Red fell off the couch she is laughing so hard.

I have no idea what is headed my way, besides the obvious nakedness.

So here comes the Captain.

Jingly and Jangly.

And there he is, right in front of me.

Butt naked.

With handcuffs around his ankles.

~

If You Saw Someone....

~

Anyone know what THIS is?










Correct!

It is a BUNGEE cord!

And what the heck is a bungee cord doing on my blog?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'll give you one guess.....

Correct!

Captain Jake Sparrow is involved!

Ding Ding Ding!

This morning.....

I walked into the Captain's bedroom to check on his 'getting dressed' status.

He was standing ON TOP of my three foot tall dresser.

He had one hook of the above-referenced BUNGEE cord attached to his elastic shorts.

NOT attached to a belt loop.

NOT attached to a belt.

And the other hook was NOT ATTACHED TO ANYTHING ELSE!

I didn't even bother to ask.

I picked him up and put him on the ground.

I looked at him, with both hands on my hips.

He knew.

He said, "But MOM!"

"Yes?"

"I saw Stuff do it!"

Ladies and gentlemen, he is referring to Stuff the Magic Dragon, the Mascot of the Rolandoh Magic. For those of you who did not watch any of the NBA Finals, during the games played in Rolandoh, Stuff the Magic Dragon, as well as some of the Magic Girls, were rappelled down from the ceiling of the Arena onto the basketball floor.

Today, the Captain tried to bungee jump off of my dresser, because he saw "Stuff do it".

Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Not Me Monday courtesy of MckMama!

As you may or may NOT be aware, my life has NOT been a bit chaotic lately.

It has NOT been so chaotic that I continue to forget to buy a very important, albeit very inexpensive, and very easy to obtain item.

I have NOT....

I repeat NOT.......

been using......

my six year old daughter's toothbrush.....

for two solid weeks.....

simply because I have NOT forgotten to buy one at the store.

I know.

This is NOT gross.

But hey, at least it is NOT Captain Jake Sparrow's toothbrush.

Now that would NOT be disgusting.

Because who knows where that kid's mouth has NOT been.

I will NOT be going to Walgreen's TODAY to buy a new toothbrush.

NOT me!

NO way.

~

Sally Field

~

Do you like me?

Do you realllllllllllllly like me?

Do you think I'm funny?

How about my kids, do you think they're funny?

Do you spew coffee on your laptop whilst reading my posts?

Have you ever peed your pants just a little bit after hearing the antics of Captain Jake Sparrow, Reilly the Red, and of course, Billy Two Swords?

Then vote for me!

I have been nominated for Funniest Blog......

Panty Liner

~

Have I mentioned that we are in the midst of an EXTREME home makeover?

Yeah, dead horse.

I know.

Nonetheless.....

It is important to note that Captain Jake Sparrow is 'sharing' his room with his mom and dad in terms of furniture. All of our clothes are in his room, because he had the most room available, and his room is nearest to the only working shower, so it just made logistical sense. AND....he was very open to the idea. Shocking, I know.

So when I take a shower, I disrobe in his bedroom, put on my bathrobe, grab my towel, head to the shower, and then get dressed in his room when I'm finished.

No big deal, right?

No problems, whatsoever.

Until this morning.

The Captain comes running out of his bedroom with a 'used' panty liner in his hand, and starts screaming, "WHO put THIS in MY trash can? THIS is disgusting! It smells like POOP!"

What the hell was I thinking, putting a 'used' panty liner in a TRASH CAN in my son's room?

Again, I am not very smart, obviously.

But isn't the bigger question, "WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH?????"

And..."WHY WOULD HE THEN PICK SOMETHING OUT OF THE TRASH AND SNIFF IT?"

Or..."IF IT SMELLED LIKE POOP, WHY WOULDN'T HE JUST THROW IT BACK IN THE TRASH RATHER THAN CARRY IT AROUND THE HOUSE?"

All I can say is, thank God it wasn't a tampon.

~

Flippy-Flops

~

Can anyone tell me why on earth it is MY responsbility to locate a certain four-year-old Captain's missing Gecko flippy-flops?

~

I Don't Like You ANYmore!

~

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

The lazy, hazy days of summer.

And trying to keep Reilly the Red, Captain Jake Sparrow, Nautical Nathan, One-Eyed Fred (post for another day), and myself, from going insane, and from incurring injuries that might require hospitalization, although that AFLAC duck is always quacking in the back of my mind......

Yesterday was a challenge.

And yes, I have been a mother for quite some time now. (whether or not I am a good mother or a bad mother remains to be seen).

And yes, I have a degree in psychology (with an emphasis in CHILD psychology).

But no, I have never spent a summer with my children that involved unstructured time.

And no, I have never spent a summer vacation with my children that involved unstructured time WHILST undergoing an Extreme Fallon Home Makeover Edition such as this.

Particularly since naps are out of the question seeing as how the noise from air compressors and nail guns and table saws and the like.

So when I say Captain Jake Sparrow had had enough, I REALLY mean it.

After supper, around 6:30, the Captain asked me if he could have some fruit snacks. I told him "No."

He got mad.

I gave him a reason - he had already consumed about eleventy thousand popsicles, and had not eaten all of his supper, AND, no, we do NOT have dessert or after dinner snacks every night, and YES it was my final answer.

He screamed at me, (which is HIGHLY unusual, because he really is a Mama's Boy):

"I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE!"

And then he crossed his hands over his chest, and put out the grouper lip.

I told him to go his room and shut the door.

The meltdown intensified as he headed towards his room.

He opened the under cabinet kitchen trash door, then slammed it shut, on the way to this bedroom.

I came after him into his room, and gave him a Pow-pow (Piratese for spanking).

Then he REALLY got mad.

I shut his bedroom door, and as soon as I started to walk away, his screaming and crying intensified, and he began heaving and tossing all of his toys, shotput style, across his bedroom.

As I opened the door, a three-foot long tractor trailer was headed towards my face.

I ducked. (Dammit! AFLAC cash opportunity! What the hell was I thinking! Quack Quack)

Upon re-entering the Captain's room, he knew he was in for it big-time. It was only 630 pm. His newest punishment meant he had to stay in his room ('All by mySELF????') for the rest of the night. End of story. No more discussion.

I left his room to finish cleaning up the disaster from cooking supper.

When I checked in on him about 15 minutes later, he was doing a puzzle of the USA. I told him that was a great idea, and when he finished, we could talk about all the states we are going to travel to this summer.

He looked at me and said, "Mama?"

I said, "Yes?"

He said, "I like you again."

Okay, maybe I am a good mother.

Don't worry, my head won't get too big.

I'll screw up today big time, I'm sure.

~

Year Round Schools

~

Today is day three of summer vacation.

My kids have never had a 'summer' vacation.

Since Two Swords' and I always worked, the kids were always in a structured preschool environment, even in the summers.

Day three.

I am running out of ideas to keep them busy.

And I have don't have the money to 'take' them everywhere they want to go.

For two days, we did pretty good.

They played outside A LOT!, they swam, they helped with construction, they had Nautical Nathan to distract them, they were not allowed to watch any television, or play with electronics of any kind....

For two days, I had great hope for the remainder of June, until we take our big 'trip', and then I wouldn't have to worry about keeping them entertained.

I give up.

I hereby announce my wholehearted support for year-round schools.

In the meantime, I'm letting them lay around and watch movies today.

Just because.

I'll make them go outside again tomorrow.

~

Perfect Parenting

~

We are very proactive and protective related to what our children are allowed to watch on television.

Mostly, we watch things TOGETHER, as a family. Monster trucks, football, Rolandoh Magic, American Idol, Wipeout, O'Reilly Factor (swear!), Food Network, and HGTV.

We do enjoy watching movies on the weekends, and absolutely LOVE Netflix.

If Two Swords and I want to watch a 'grown-up' movie, we wait until the kids are in bed, or we allow the kids to watch a 'kid' movie in the den while we watch our movie in the living room.

That is how it works in THIS family.

Recently, we rented the movie "Taken". Wow. Awesome movie. Lots of violence, but the message is so powerful.

When Two Swords and I read the description, we thought that it might be a movie that Reilly could handle, given the ultimate message. Believe it or not, we were right. She and the Captain sat riveted during the whole movie, were not scared or freaked out, and we had discussions after the movie was over as to some choices certain people (a 17 year old girl in particular) could have made to avert the disaster that was about to befall her.

So lots of parents would probably question our choice, but ultimately it worked out, and my daughter has a visual example of what happens when you lie to your parents and talk to strangers.

That being said....

Today, Captain Jake Sparrow asked Nathan (our 12 year old summer vacation 'helper') if he had seen the movie "TOOK-EN".

Nathan: "No."

Reilly the Red: "He means TAKEN. The movie TAKEN. About the girl who is TAKEN."

Nathan replied, "No, but I've heard about it."

Captain: "Oh my gosh! It is so AWESOME! There's this girl, and she gets KEEDnapped, and her dad comes to save her life and he KEELS like a million bad guys and he is such a BADASS!"

Nathan: "Um, Jake? Are you sure you should be saying that word?"

Captain: "What, Awesome?"

Nathan: "Um, no, that other word?

Captain: "What word?"

Reilly the Red interjects: "Nathan, if you're talking about BADASS, then yeah, it's okay for him to say it because my Mom taught it to him."

True.

So true.

~

saHm I am NOT

~

Allegedly, one could call me a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM). I would like to offer the following summary of my Monday, and you tell me what part of STAY-AT-HOME applies to my life.

8:00 am - woke up. Give me a break, I was up til 1230am, no thanks to the stupid LA Lakers.

8:15 am - posted my Not Me Monday blog

8:30 am - greeted Mr. Pete and Nathan in my pajamas as they arrived to 'help' with the renovation

8:45 am - fed the children

9:00 am - greeted Mr. Bill in my pajamas (don't worry Miss Karen, I wasn't wearing a teddy - they were very 'modest' pajamas) as he arrived to 'help' with the renovation.

9:15 am - 10:30 am - received and complied with all of Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' barking orders related to the renovation and the children's part in said renovation.

10:35 am - finally got dressed

10:40 am - overheard Mr. Bill tell Captain Jake Sparrow and Reilly the Red to 'be careful around that nail rifle', to which I responded, "Oh no, Mr. Bill! They can play with the air rifle! It's okay! We have insurance! And AFLAC! PLEASE let them play with the air rifle!"

10:45 am - left with Reilly the Red to go to our church to volunteer at the food pantry

11:00 am - arrived at church to discover that there were 'too many' volunteers and our services weren't needed. How often does THAT happen?

11:15 am - went with Reilly to meet Miss Karen at Kohl's to help her select some 'pizazz' items for her wardrobe for her new awesome job that starts tomorrow.

11:25 am - argued with Miss Karen related to her refusal to add 'pizazz'

12:20 pm - FORCED Miss Karen to purchase certain 'pizazz' related items that she will ultimately return behind my back.

12:25 pm - told Reilly the Red she could have two pair of sneakers, since they were BOGO.

12:30 pm - get to the register, only to discover the shoes were NOT BOGO.

12:31 pm - endured a hysterically crying child in the parking lot begging for the THIRTY-FOUR dollar shoes that she couldn't understand why she wasn't getting them.

12:35 pm - successfully negotiated a settlement with Reilly the Red - if she coughed up TWENTY dollars of her own money, I had a SEVEN dollar gift card, and I would pay for the remainder.

12:36 pm - we have a deal

12:42 pm - we have the shoes and are back in the car

12:48 pm - at the bank getting moolah to pay all of our 'helpers'

12:52 pm - at McDonalds, getting dollar value McDoubles for all of our 'helpers'

1:00 pm - eating a McDouble whilst standing at my kitchen counter, staring at all the dust that I just removed from my home not less than 12 hours prior. Sigh

1:15 pm - told Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords that NO there was NO way in HELL I was going to Lowe's in HIS pickup truck to buy 40 2x4x8's.

1:20 pm - told him AGAIN that I was NOT going. No way. I am NOT a man. I do NOT know anything about wood (well, some kinds of wood I do, but I digress), drywall, plumbing, electrical, NOTHING.

1:22 pm - still arguing with Two Swords. Now trying the argument that I don't do car repairs and he doesn't do taxes, and I don't do Lowe's and he doesn't do menstruation discussions.

1:35 pm - get in Two Swords' truck and head to Lowe's. Dammit.

1:50 pm - go to the Commercial Desk at Lowe's to order the lumber.

1:51 pm - they ask me if I know what I want. Like a bank robber, a slip them a little piece of paper with the following item written on it, 40 - 2" x 4" x 8'

1:52 pm - they tell me they will have it ready in 15 minutes.

2:35 pm - still standing around staring at drywall and gypsum and wondering why all the signs also have Spanish translations?

2:52 pm - back in Two Swords' truck and headed home. Ugh.

3:15 pm - successfully BACK into the BACKYARD with the pickup truck for the lumber to be unloaded

3:20 pm - get back in MY car and head to Publix

3:35 pm - purchase milk, Klondike bars, bananas, dog food, paper towels and toilet paper.

3:40 pm - fill up my tank with gas.

3:45 pm - return home (oh to be a stay at HOME Mom).....

3:48 pm - notice another 2 inches of dust all over my house. Sigh.

3:49 pm - hear Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' exclaim "SHE GOT THE WRONG FREAKING SIZE WOOD! THIS IS NOT 8' LONG! IT IS 7' 8/9" long! DAMMIT"

3:50 pm - break the vow of submission I made on our wedding day and went into the construction site to defend myself, and my right to NEVER again go to LOWE's or HOME DEPOT for ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

3:57 pm - Reilly the Red comes in the house from the pool, screaming and crying her head off. I ask her what is wrong, and she SCREAMS, "There's a frog in the pool and Nathan pushed me in the pool and I got near the frog and it scared me because I hate frogs because they are scary." Since this is the child that learned to surf in a shark-infested OCEAN last summer, and baits her own fishing hook with SHRIMP, and rides UPSIDE DOWN roller coasters, I told her to shut her piehole and go back outside.

3:58 pm - Becoming a STAY at HOME Mom for the rest of the day.

3:59 pm - Hearing Construction Superintendent Billy Two Swords' relentless cussing about the wrong sized "wood"

4:01 pm - Considering taking my Ambien in about 3 minutes.

Not Me Monday courtesy of MckMama!

I, (We), are NOT unemployed.

I, (We), have NOT been unemployed for a year.

I did NOT instigate my husband to begin a major master bedroom suite renovation despite the fact that we are UNemployed, and Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman and Clark Howard would NOT have a field day with the choices I am NOT making in how to NOT spend our life savings/retirement in this time of economic UNcertainty.

Nope.

Not me.

Whilst trying to 'help' my husband, I did NOT......

..........break..........

..................into...........

..........................a..............

...............................thousand................

.......................................pieces....................

a VERY expensive double sink,

MARBLE

countertop.

Nope.

Not me.

And UNfortunately, I can NOT blame Captain Jake Sparrow, NO matter how much I would like to.

He was NOT within four miles of the house at the time that the marble crumbling did NOT take place.

Nope.

~

Carb Smart

~

The Captain and I are spending a quiet Sunday evening together.

Two Swords and the Red are off at a neighboring event eating oysters.

So the Captain was kinda 'bent' about not getting to go, but he doesn't like oysters, and Two Swords needed a break from him.

In an effort to appease the Captain, I allowed him to pick whatever dessert choice he would like, since he ate quite a good supper.

He went to the freezer, and picked out a 'Carb Smart' ice cream bar.

I said, "Are you sure that's what you want?"

Captain: "Yep."

I said, "Are you SURE? Because you only get one choice, you know..."

Captain: "Yeah, Mom. They taste good, and they are good for me, because they make my heart stop beeping."

Me: "Really? They make your heart STOP beeping?"

Captain: "Yep. That's what the commercial says."

~

Crying

~

Yeah, you've already heard my diatribe on 'there's no crying in this house'.

Let me rewind a bit.

Reilly the Red has senioritis. At six. She can't wait for summer to be here.

So she can stay up late.

And sleep in.

That's what SHE says.

She has been counting down the days until school is out. There are THREE left.

On the other hand, we have the Captain.

He is madder than hell that he is not going to school this summer.

He insists that his preschool will shut down without his presence.

"But, but, but, Mom? WHAT will they do without me?"

Two Swords and I have thought this was quite funny, as the Captain isn't the greatest student, if you know what I mean, but he is definitely a social animal.

And when we told them about our grandiose summer plans (to be disclosed in a later post), the Captain still wasn't sold.

So we've been going through this "I can't WAIT for school to be out, WOOHOO!", to "Waaaaaa, I WANT to go to school."

Not really sure what was going on in the universe last night, but both kids were BAWLING their eyes out that school was almost over.

Reilly the Red was crying and sobbing and slobbering about how much she is going to miss Mrs. B.

That she is the BEST teacher she has ever had (ummm, yeah she's great and all, but she is only the SECOND teacher you've ever had, kiddo).

Reilly even went so far as to say that she wanted us to FAIL her, so she would get Mrs. B. again.

We casually reminded her that she had the highest grade in her class, that even though she has three more days of school left, she has already been promoted to second grade, and too bad so sad, it is time to move on and move up.

The sobbing and slobbering went ON and ON and ON and ON.

We even told her that she would still see Mrs B. every single day, that she could visit her before she went to her 'new' classroom, that she could email her, or write her letters.

"But it won't be the SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMME!"

And then the Captain started.

Same exact story.

Same tears.

Same "What will Miss W. do without ME?"

"I am going to MISSSSSSSSSSSSS her!"

This went on for about two hours.

I have to say, my children have been very blessed with the most loving, generous, gifted, teachers. We couldn't have asked for better educators for our babies.

But I don't know about all this CRYING nonsense.

I know what all of you are going to say....

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

That's so sweet!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Well here's my rebuttal:

Enough crying already!

~

Nonsense

~

This morning, before Reilly the Red left for her FOURTH last day of school, she watched a little bit of Fox News with Billy Two Swords.

There was a story about a certain public school banning children from reading the bible on the school's premises.

When Reilly heard this she exclaimed, "Daddy! There is no such sense of that!"

Billy Two Swords replied, "I know."

Reilly: "That's dumb. Why wouldn't they let kids read the Bible? It's God's book!"

Two Swords sighed loudly, but smiled at how proud of her he was.

~

Not Me Monday! courtesy of MckMama

In my pre-blogging life, I did NOT spend 20 years as a construction cost accountant.

I was NOT responsible for the management of HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of dollars.

I NEVER spent hours upon hours upon days upon days searching for, say, TEN CENTS, in order for my reports to balance.

I was NOT so loud and so fast and so ASTOUNDING TO WATCH on a 10-key adding machine that I was NOT given the moniker, "Fast Fingers Fallon".

Nope.

Not Me.

No Way.

Today, at the bank, I absolutely did NOT make a TWO DOLLAR error on a bank deposit totaling $158.32.

That would NEVER happen.

And since I did NOT make such an error, I would NOT have asked the teller to "COUNT IT AGAIN."

Buffoonery, I say.

Buffoonery.

NEVER happened.

NOT to me.

NOT today.
~